Feeling devastated about caesarean after breech baby turned again

[DefiantRabbit9]

My baby was breech I had an ECV last week and today I found out she's back to being breech. The obstetricians want to do a C section and I HATE it. All she had to do was stay put.

It feels like another dream life has robbed me of. A core fundamental experience of my being that I can't have. I feel anger, resentment and grief. I've literally done everything right and still failed.

I'm no more giving birth than when I had a 1.3kg fibroid cut out of me. Might as well have just swaddled that. I didn't go 40 years, get a 7K pay cut and exist the last 3 months in pain just to be sliced open and a flesh ball plopped on me. The reality that I will probably never give birth has destroyed my attachment to her.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, OP. I felt much the same way with one of my children, who was determinedly breech, and had a fear of surgery to go with those feelings that it wasn't a proper birth.

I think a big part of it is sometimes the lack of control. Birth is often portrayed as an empowering experience for women, but a c section just feels like a surgery that's done to you, and you're powerless.

All I can say is that I wish I'd focused on acceptance, and reframing it as positively as possible. The c section itself went pretty smoothly, my baby was perfect, breastfeeding was established quickly, and I recovered fine – but I spent months ruminating on how I hadn't had the birth I wanted and sank into PPD, and all it did was hurt me, for nothing.

16 years later, it feels ridiculous to me that I was so fraught over something that, in hindsight, is so minor – and has a lot of benefits along with any negatives, objectively. It's easier said than done, but I think the best thing to do is to embrace the c section, remind yourself of all the positives over and over, and ask your husband or a theatre nurse to take a lot of photos, if possible, so afterwards if you want, you can see your baby emerging from your body, albeit in an unconventional fashion.

I wasn't thrilled about my C-section - but loved not being incontinent!

What a rude comment.

A terrible vaginal labour left me in a state and I barely remember it and the aftermath . 2 sections were wonderful and I was fully engaged with the babies straight away - those hormones come flooding in.

Is it rude? It has been a bonus of having c section for me too. My emergency one was absolutely awful for both me and baby and of course I would have like a nice straigtforward natural birth. Main thing was, baby came out healthy. Since my c sections, I don’t wee myself when I jump or run like my friends who gave birth naturally which I think to myself- well at least that’s one good thing about c sections!

I agree. Also, an intact vagina is nice 🙂

Also, meeting your baby when not knackered and in pain. 12 hours before I had my first I was out for a dinner date with my husband. Most of my friends 12 hours before birth were using breathing techniques to manage pain.

Putting aside they the OPs language to describe her baby, which is utterly disgusting and worrying, it's genuinely a lovely way to have a baby.

Really, please try to stop thinking this way. It may not be what you planned but it is one of the very many sacrifices you will make as a mother. You are doing what is best for your baby. The important thing is that you are going to bring a child into the world in the best and safest way for her. That is your priority and role as a mum. To protect your child. There are lots of people around who are seeding the belief that by having a c- section you are failing as a woman or a mother. That is the biggest load of rubbish in the history of loads of rubbish ….you definitely will love and bond with your child. However the child arrives, it is the biggest day of your life - the day you become a Mum. I speak as somebody who very reluctantly agreed to a C- section 26 years ago. Nobody - and I mean nobody - could love a child more than I love mine and nobody could have bonded more strongly than we did from the word go and still do. Please don’t spend any more time being so upset and thinking negatively about it - the lady in the bed opposite me was beaming when we arrived at hospital. She was having a second child by c-section. I couldn’t believe she was so happy but having had my child this way if I’d been lucky enough to have a second one I would have felt exactly the same as she did. Please look forward to the miracle of bringing a child safely into the world and the amazing adventure you have ahead of you. All will be well. I promise.

Thankfully, like most of the women I know, I have an intact vagina despite giving birth vaginally, and no issues with incontinence (pelvic floor exercises are key). C sections do reduce the incidence of stress incontinence, but a great deal of the damage to the pelvic floor is done during pregnancy, anyway.

Additionally, despite having a planned c section, I was in a great deal of pain afterwards as they didn't manage it correctly, so I got to feel every inch of having a massive incision in my abdomen before getting whacked out on too much morphine, which also made my skin itch like mad - while after my 7 hour vaginal labour, despite having plenty of pain before the birth, after it I was walking about in minutes, pain-free, and floating high on happy hormones.

A c section certainly isn't the end of the world, and it does have plenty of benefits - OP certainly shouldn't be afraid of it - because in the end whether vaginal or c section, birth experiences vary enormously from woman to woman, and birth to birth. Someone can have a great vaginal labour and terrible c section, or vice versa!

But I do think it's incredibly rude (and misogynistic) to imply that it's inevitable that women who have vaginal births have ruined vaginas. Wtf?

It's not rude. I was absolutely bloody devastated at having an emergency C-section. My baby was unexpected breech at 38.5 weeks and my waters broke. I'd planned a natural birth and had NO CHOICE. My one silver lining was I didn't have to worry about pooping myself in front of everyone and could hold my urine afterwards.

Again, I'm not trying to be rude. OP is devastated at having to have a C-Section - I've been there, it was a benefit that I could cling onto afterwards. It doesn't feel helpful to share a terrible C-Section story alongside a glowing vaginal birth story on this particular thread.

My elective with DD2 was lovely, I think back on it so fondly.

I hope OP has support and is getting the help she needs.

I already shared my c section story here on the thread, where I made it clear I felt almost exactly the same way she does now and really wish that I had been more accepting and positive about it!

Despite the hiccups I experienced (it was really no worse than vaginal labour, I just had the pain after birth instead of before it) the section and recovery went pretty smoothly, and 16 years later I deeply regret that I wasted my time and energy feeling so devastated over something so minor, to the point that it spiralled into PPD.
My comment

But you don't have to imply that every woman who gives birth vaginally will have a 'not intact' vagina and piss herself in order to talk up the benefits of c sections. It's misogynistic and insulting, in addition to being untrue.

Nowhere did I say anything about having a 'not intact' vagina - I said I loved (maybe appreciated is a better word) not being incontinent which is 100% true. It's something I was worried about before - and didn't have to worry about afterwards. Trying to put words in my mouth by putting quotes around something I did not say is also insulting!

I do understand your disappointment, if this is your first and only chance to experience going into labour, feeling contractions and pushing your baby out. I expect for the last few months you have imagined it all and what it’s going to feel like. However the safety of your baby is the most important thing and once she arrives you will still love her and all the other amazing feelings you have after giving birth. My third baby was born via emergency c section after giving birth twice naturally. It wasn't a thought in my head and definitely not in my plan. I was very upset about it for quite some time after. It didn't affect my love for my dd though or the happiness i felt about been a mum

And TBF, 90% is first time vaginal births do involve some degree of tearing and incontinence rates are very different after vaginal and c section births.

It doesn't mean that people are walking round with wrecked vaginas, but we do a disservice to women to ignore the fact that first births almost always cause vaginal trauma. Its not misogynistic. It's biology.

It's definitely a plus point to having a section, which the OP is having, so maybe she can appreciate the silver lining.

Op I can feel your anger from here. And you need to have a serious word with yourself before you purposefully ruin the start of the journey with your new baby. This is a choice you are making yourself to be so angry.

I’ve actually got a blog on my website about societies view on vaginal births V c-sections.

I hate with a passion the insta /ticktok Alfa mummy pages which promote ‘natural births’ as some sort of badge of honour and life changing experience which ultimately leads to a sense of extreme motherhood recognition - they don’t.

But even when you do have a ‘natural birth’ those that did it with zero pain relief are classed as the even higher ultimate mother.

And so overwhelmed with hormones you feel deliriously happy - not quite sure everyone gets that when they are being stitched up after a third degree tear or their placenta is being pulled out of them or baby is struggling to breath because they are utterly exhausted after a very long delivery.

It just doesn’t go down how most people plan.

Then they are left to pick up the pieces with because insta told them it was going to be a wonderful experience - and it wasn’t so they too feel ‘robbed’

Come away from the vision of what you think should happen because it’s never going to match what does happen. So you’re always going to lose. And that may result in you not bonding with your baby - and your baby never asked to be born.

It’s mind boggling that on one hand obstetrics and womens health is still ruled by men who would never experience labour, pregnancy or child birth itself and yet on the other hand a portion of society believe that only vaginal labour is the only legitimate way to birth your child so you are not lacking.

Both are misogynistic

I just wish women could talk about the positives of a c section without implying that incontinence and torn vaginas are all but inevitable with vaginal births. You can talk up one thing without putting down another.

I don't know anyone IRL who gave a monkey's about 'giving birth', other than the relief it was over, everything went well and that their baby was safe.

It's not the first time I've seen posts (not just here) lamenting the lack of a vaginal birth. When did we start getting this silly, poncy attitude about something that is purely primal, functional and dangerous at times? It's downright harmful on a mental and emotional level. No-one I know sits there fondly reminiscing over the time their baby crowned. They do reminisce over the first time they held their baby, saw their face, heard them cry, washed their tiny clothes.

I don't know where these ridiculous notions come from, but people need to cut it off at source if it's impacting their sanity

It is quite rude to suggest that everyone who’s had a vaginal birth is incontinent.

I agree.

However it comes from a place where women are pitted against each other and made to feel insecure. Even the terminology - Natural V C-Section. It implies that an operation to save your babies life is unnatural/bad.

‘Too posh to push’ headlines - misogynistic.

Some women have to fight to get a C-Section because their previous vaginal birth was traumatic. Even when a C- section had been agreed due to previous concerns, if mum goes in to labour before the C-Section is due they are often left to see how the labour progresses ‘naturally’

Honestly if it was men birthing - the midwife would be asking them at their booking in appointment which they would prefer. AND the pain relief would be much better!

We absolutely do have to look at how society views C-Sections. Because a live baby is better than a not live baby

Where did I say that? I knew incontinence could be a factor, and was worried about that side of things before having my baby. In the end, it wasn't something I had to worry about and it was an huge relief. I was still, like the OP, devastated that the option of a vaginal birth was taken away - but to me this was a positive.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

Why are we weaponsing childbirth of all things and using it as something to pitch women against each other? Who is behind all this?!

A blessing to give birth - however that might be OP. To be in a country to have options on childbirth- the option to have a healthy live birth.

I don’t even want to start unpicking where your anger comes from. But you must see it’s irrational? In the grand scheme what’s important?

Where did she say ‘everyone who has had a vaginal birth is incontinent?’

she just said she was glad incontinence wasn’t an issue for her personally. I have also been glad about this for myself. Had I had a natural birth (which I wanted with my first), I may have had incontinence issues as the likelihood is higher.

i ended up with a planned c section for my second which was really lovely especially compared to my emergency one that was scary. I do think it’s hugely concerning that op is more concerned with having a natural birth than the safety and wellbeing of her baby and is resorting to calling her baby a fibroid that needs to be cut out. Very worrying way to talk about your newborn just because they’re a breech baby.