Feeling devastated about caesarean after breech baby turned again

[DefiantRabbit9]

My baby was breech I had an ECV last week and today I found out she's back to being breech. The obstetricians want to do a C section and I HATE it. All she had to do was stay put.

It feels like another dream life has robbed me of. A core fundamental experience of my being that I can't have. I feel anger, resentment and grief. I've literally done everything right and still failed.

I'm no more giving birth than when I had a 1.3kg fibroid cut out of me. Might as well have just swaddled that. I didn't go 40 years, get a 7K pay cut and exist the last 3 months in pain just to be sliced open and a flesh ball plopped on me. The reality that I will probably never give birth has destroyed my attachment to her.

OP, I had a planned C section because my DS was breech. It was honestly wonderful, calm, dignified. I got to make a playlist which was played in theatre so chose the song he was born to. The theatre team were amazing, and I’m still in touch with the lovely midwife who was with us in theatre. She happened to work in our local community team so we were discharged to her postpartum.

Please DM if you want to know any more about what the process is like, I’m always happy to recount our birth story as it was genuinely the best day of my life. I absolutely promise a c section can be a wonderful birth even if it’s not what you originally wanted.

Also absolutely second what PPs have said about seeking perinatal mental health support. Your midwife should hopefully be able to put you in touch with your local specialist team. Wishing you all the best

Have you had any problems with your mental health in the past, OP?

None of my children were vaginal deliveries and I couldn't breastfeed either. They were definitely my babies though.

What you're experiencing now does not reflect the truth of how you'll feel about your child. Your prescription of your attachment is not coming from a place you're going to stay in. However your emotions are completely valid and I recognise they are very distressing.

You need to see your GP and your midwife urgently and it might be helpful to show them what you've written here.

I've had 2 C-sections (breech babies...). I didn't feel pain but I did feel something. I could feel them pulling things around (that sounds worse than it felt). I felt my insides emptying as the baby came out (first time in one big whoosh). Baby was straight on my chest, skin to skin while they stitched me up (plenty of oxytocin going on there, for baby and me). I think DC1 even tried latching on while we were still in theatre but that's a bit of a blur.

Also though, a C-section was a choice, it wasn't compulsory (especially first time around) - a friend gave birth vaginally to a breech baby a couple of weeks after my first DC. So may be worth asking more about options.

Do you know how heavy your baby is measuring currently?

Sat here in bed with my breech baby who came out via elective c-section, honestly feeling annoyed at the ridiculousness of your post. You get to have a beautiful baby in the safest way for you and baby. You are lucky.

I had an EMCS so not the same but yeah I got the hormones. I think I only felt a vague bit of tugging and couldn't see what was going on. My recollection is somewhat hazy as I was off my tits on a combo of physical exhaustion and sleep deprivation, a long day of agony on an ever increasing Syntocin drip, nitrous, remifentanil and diazepam with a side order of hyponatremia. But I remember as soon as she was out they carried her off to the side to check she was OK and I remember being hyper, hyper aware of where she was and feeling fretty until they put her in my arms. In the photos from early the next day I'm still white with exhaustion but beaming like I've won 15 gold medals and been crowned Queen of the World. I remember going to the toilet and holding her in my arms, wondering why there was no cot in the hospital toilet because the cot on wheels that she was in, that I'd dragged tight to my bed so I could keep a hand on her, wouldn't fit through the door. Turns out you are meant to leave them and walk to the toilet without them. Unthinkable to me at the time. For weeks afterwards, if anyone else (apart from DH ) was holding her, I had to make nice normal expressions and small talk while my primeval brain was urging me to punch them in the face, tear at their eyes and take my precious baby back while snarling and threatening to rip their throat out with my teeth. And I would not describe myself as a maternal person, I don't think I'd ever held a baby before her and had no previous desire to. When pregnant I was worried I wouldn't bond with her. Lol. Cupid's oxytocin loaded arrow hit me right between the eyes.

The moment they’re out you’ll forget about it.
but, seconding everyone else to say that you should seek help for the way you’re feeling.

They wanted the same for me but I went into early labour about 3 weeks and I gave birth vaginally breech footling but my baby was measuring small. Might have been a different story if baby was big.

Glad you have sought help, I can appreciate your disappointment but this is troubling to read. Could it be worth looking up or painting to positive csection stories to help reframe your thinking?

You can still do skin to skin (ask for any monitors on your back), delayed cord clamping, have lovely music and a calm environment. Relax the night before, have a nice meal, watch your favourite film, light candles - enjoy your ‘baby eve’ knowing for sure that the next day you will be meeting your baby.

Your birth can still be beautiful but you need to shift your mindset to allow that to happen.

Yes she's 7.2lbs so a bit above average but still within expected size.

This reads all about you OP. Being a mother is putting your child first including her safe arrival.

Don’t be ridiculous. You sound like my DH’s ex who says, after she heard I had a section ‘oh so not a REAL birth then’!!!
I’ve had two sections on medical advice. Frankly a healthy baby is your goal. Of course it’s giving birth. Don’t be so outraged at ‘being robbed’. You are not. You will have a beautiful baby afterwards, and that’s what you should celebrate, not how they came into the world.

Mine last was breech the whole time. He turned 2 days before due date. I was elated.
When i went in to be induced 5 days later, she was really rough trying to find his heartbeat and he thought "balls to this" and turned again but he was footling breech & entangled himself in his cord. His heart rate plummeted & it was emergency c section knocked out missed everything. I was DEVASTATED. Everything that could go wrong did & i was upset for weeks. Well, still am tbh. I had 3 boys before him, all natural, all quick (less than 4hrs start to finish).
I love him dearly, he is the apple of my eye, breastfed and bonded with no trouble but all my plans for the water birth i wanted with minimal to no pain relief, delayed cord clamping ect like my others went to shit.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way OP.

I was 8 hours into my labor when I had to have an emergency c section with an epidural anaesthetic. I was upset because I wanted to deliver naturally, however the moment I saw my baby all the stress of the situation melted away and I was utterly besotted. I BF baby with no complications and recovered really well.

My second baby was also an emergency c section but a little more of an emergency so I was under GA. I went off to sleep and woke up with my gorgeous baby in my arms - both safe and healthy. I again BF and recovered well.

C sections aren’t everyone’s preference but in my experience they really aren’t as bad as I had expected them to be.

I wish you well and send my prayers.

Did they discuss with you option of vaginal breech birth?
With my breech baby, at one point the plan was that I would come to hospital in labour and they would f do a scan and if baby was breech offer C-section and if not carry on in labour.

Your baby is your baby, however it comes out. It’s good you’re getting support with that xxx

This. I found your post so hard to read and really hope they are taking you seriously.

I had C-section for a breach baby and it was exactly as this post described. We did skin to skin for hours. She was born to a special song. I was calm and happy and in control. Would I swap that for some of the quite frankly horrific and traumatising vaginal births friends had? Absolutely no way.

I've had 3 babies via c-sec, first was emcs under GA and we bonded fine. Second two were elcs. First I suspect was undiagnosed unstable lie, second two were unstable lie. I spent a week in the antenatal ward, not allowed to leave the hospital, before DC3 was born, because she was unstable lie. Is it what I wanted? No. But both elcs were fine, fairly straightforward and recovery ok to good. Bonding all fine. Love love love the snuggly period in the recovery ward, feeling a bit spaced out and so so happy and snuggled up with baby. It's absolute bliss and I'm so sad I'll never do it again! There's so many positives to an elcs.

I get it, both mine were premature and I felt for a long time that I was robbed of so much that everyone else takes for granted. I was bitter for a long time but eventually realised that I was incredibly lucky.

lucky for two healthy children which I shouldn’t have, and wouldn’t have without amazing health care.
lucky I didn’t die in childbirth
lucky my body functions as it always did.

i understand it, but it is destructive and holding on to the feelings will taint things for you if you let them.

Have your baby by whichever means necessary, enjoy their full term squishy healthiness and be thankful.

I think it’s really sad that vaginal births have become so romanticised by some people and certain media groups in recent years that a c section isn’t seen as “giving birth” . It is giving birth and anyway it’s so irrelevant what way the baby comes out as long as they are safe and healthy .

Dear OP,
You need Mental health support, probably from the perinatal mental health team and possibly support with bonding after your baby is born from what you are writing here.
Please do engage with all support being offered and be very honest about your feelings so you get the correct support. I hope you feel well again in time.

Just to clarify on the subject of C-section. I have had 3, due to a previous medical issue and they have all been the most magical and precious moments of my life. My baby's were born into a room of smiling people, a jolly team of professionals who were doing the best to make it as special as possible. All my babies breastfed whilst I was being stitched up. I very much gave birth so please do not liken such beauty to surgery to remove a fibroid. Go in excited and enjoy the birth of a child in a safe and controlled environment. Medicine is there to save lives and that is what a C-section is doing, simply saving yourself and your baby. You are clearly high risk with a breach presentation and older than 40? with a first baby?? Honestly just play safe and you get to walk away with a hopefully healthy baby.

If you feel so strongly about it breech vaginal borth does exist. Have you heard of the optibreech trial? It’s been upskilling professionals on what to expect during breech vaginal birth.

https://optibreech.uk/participating-sites/

There’s also a few different ways to do things if you have a c-section. I know people who prefer to let baby choose their own birthday. So they wait until they go into labour and then have the c-section. I also have friends who have some amazing photos of the births of their baby during a c-section.

The c-section rate in the U.K. is now not far off 50% it is a very common way to give birth.

I had a c section for a transverse baby. It was fine. I will be honest I felt some grief for not getting the birth I had hoped for but her safety and mine were more important.

It was completely calm. I wasn't really aware of the numbness. The only point that I didn't like was that my baby needed a bit of help breathing to start with so there was maybe 5 - 10 min delay on me getting to hold her. The second I held her everything felt completely right. All the hormones were there, she couldn't have been more mine and more loved at all.

I also had one of the easiest birth recoveries in the nct group and was out of hospital the next day. I had to stay one night do to my blood pressure crashing. Day after getting home I was out sitting in a cafe introducing my baby.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss anything but honestly this isn't the tragedy you are feeling it is.

I’m not wrong though am I? If someone describes their child like a bag of flesh or a tumour they are very clearly mentally unwell and quite possibly need to be supervised for the child’s safety.