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Childbirth

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Original poster

Ex thinks I’m being selfish

252 replies

ADmama · 23/08/2025 22:30

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2025 11:26

gamerchick · 27/08/2025 11:18

He could be the most loveliest most supportive nurturing partner in the world. But if the mother doesn't want him in the delivery room then that's her call. It's ALWAYS her call.

Show quote history

I’m not talking about the birth in this situation. I 100% agree with what you’ve just said.

Im on about the OP stating that she doesn’t want the father having unsupervised contact with the child and commenting on his drinking habits etc.

If he was that much of a dirt bag, why be in in a relationship with him in the first place.

Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 08:31

Tiswa · 27/08/2025 09:45

But he is the father it isn’t the courts fault he is an alcoholic and if a father wants to be present in a child’s life he needs to be

be equal isn’t always true but a court will see a child having two parents is best if that is what both parents want

Show quote history

how can you say it’s in the best interest of our child to have a father who likes to heavily drink most weekends ( reason why I don’t trust him unsupervised) especially to have 50/50 . He doesn’t have suitable accommodation because he lives with his parent and not close by to me around 3 hours away . He doesn’t have a suitable vechicle to transport our child ( works van ) …. He says he wants to be involved sure …. But seeing as he’s walked out he’s obviously not wanting to be there fully for the good , bad and ugly …. it won’t be long before the ‘lifestyle’ he’s chosen will be affecting our child trying to swap or miss his time and I won’t have inconsistencies I’ve seen the damage that causes .

OP posts:
Tiswa · 28/08/2025 08:37

ADmama · 28/08/2025 08:31

how can you say it’s in the best interest of our child to have a father who likes to heavily drink most weekends ( reason why I don’t trust him unsupervised) especially to have 50/50 . He doesn’t have suitable accommodation because he lives with his parent and not close by to me around 3 hours away . He doesn’t have a suitable vechicle to transport our child ( works van ) …. He says he wants to be involved sure …. But seeing as he’s walked out he’s obviously not wanting to be there fully for the good , bad and ugly …. it won’t be long before the ‘lifestyle’ he’s chosen will be affecting our child trying to swap or miss his time and I won’t have inconsistencies I’ve seen the damage that causes .

Show quote history

I didn’t say that what I said was that it is also damaging not to have a father. You can’t protect your child from this either way they have a father who is an alcoholic so yes it is going to damage them.

But if he wants to be involved and he gets himself through the court process the courts will fall on the side of him being involved and seeing the child better than the child not knowing the father.

@ADmama it is going to be a hard journey and one that is going to be difficult and inconsistent no matter what you do. But he is the father so having to find a path to deal with this is going to be tough

Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 08:42

youalright · 27/08/2025 08:05

Not necessarily a newborn but by the time it gets to court it wont be a newborn and will only likely be taken to court if op is unfair with splitting time and insisting on ex only seeing the baby supervised. Its not all about op its about the baby and the courts believe the best for a baby is equal time between two parents

Show quote history

There’s reasons why I don’t want it to be unsupervised but I never said he couldn’t see his child or suggested an unreasonable amount of time …. He would need to take me to court if he wants unsupervised because I don’t believe he can be trusted and that’s down to his actions / behavior/ lifestyle ….. for me to trust him he’d of needed or at least tried to build up that trust in a relationship with me or not but unfortunately he didn’t do that and kept misleading and lying and now the damage has been too much to repair .
People suggesting he is going to be the best father are forgetting he will only ever be a ‘part time’ father at best … and people are forgetting I didn’t choose any of this because in my ideal world I would of had a decent partner not a lying / cheating piece of work…. And even if he didn’t want to be with me I’d of wanted him not to of cheated to sat down and talked to me about it properly and to split amicably him showing me his lifestyle of drinking was changing and he was capable of stepping up and him to of had the decency to of waited before moving on so quickly and for us to make amicable decision regarding our child but HIS ACTIONS prevented that .

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 08:48

DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2025 11:05

Maybe just maybe women should stop setting the bar so low, being in relationships with men like this and not get pregnant by them.

If you’re willing to lay down and create life with someone this terrible you have to accept the fact that is your child’s father.

Yes I know that some women don’t see a man’s “bad behaviour” or flaws until it’s too late but if you’ve seen a man’s bad behaviour and poor morals and life choices and then decide to still continue a relationship or sleeping with them, you can’t take the moral high ground and act like they’re too good for your child.

Oh wow your relationship must be perfect or never had a bad relationship before how lucky it must be to be you

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 08:53

mummytrex · 27/08/2025 10:50

Appreciate you can't change history now, but believing given you say he is untrustworthy, unreliable etc your hope he "step up" once pregnant was a little naive.

Given all you've said, yes the other woman was wrong (together with him) re the cheating, but it sounds like she has ultimately done you a favour as otherwise it seems you'd still be with him exposing your child to this chap and his issues 24/7.

You're not unreasonable to not have him at the birth. You do need to allow your child to have a relationship with it's father even if he does eventually choose to walk away. I mean you seem to have been willing to persevere in the relationship until he cheated despite his failings.

His behaviour changed when I fell pregnant re the drinking I didn’t realise it was going to get like that beforehand …. He always kept saying he loved me and before he walked away because I called him out on it again even convinced me he’d try …. Emotional abuse it just as real as physical abuse and when you love someone you want to believe they will change …. That’s why women or men for that matter who are being battered and are told I won’t hit you again and I love you stay with their partner because they want to believe that

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 09:47

DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2025 11:26

I’m not talking about the birth in this situation. I 100% agree with what you’ve just said.

Im on about the OP stating that she doesn’t want the father having unsupervised contact with the child and commenting on his drinking habits etc.

If he was that much of a dirt bag, why be in in a relationship with him in the first place.

Show quote history

Again the drinking got worse after i fell pregnant … he was going out drinking from 3pm until around 3am / 4 am onwards the next morning and laughing at me when I said it was disrespectful…. I obviously wanted him to change that because I was then pregnant with his child and rightly or wrongly loved him and wanted to be a family

OP posts:
Tiswa · 28/08/2025 09:48

I don’t think anyone is saying he will be the best father ever just that he is the father and the bar for supervised contact with the courts is low and you can control that becuase it isn’t about your relationship with him

Noelshighflyingturds · 28/08/2025 10:08

DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2025 11:05

Maybe just maybe women should stop setting the bar so low, being in relationships with men like this and not get pregnant by them.

If you’re willing to lay down and create life with someone this terrible you have to accept the fact that is your child’s father.

Yes I know that some women don’t see a man’s “bad behaviour” or flaws until it’s too late but if you’ve seen a man’s bad behaviour and poor morals and life choices and then decide to still continue a relationship or sleeping with them, you can’t take the moral high ground and act like they’re too good for your child.

Yes, you absolutely can decide that this person isn’t Fit to be around your children.
For many women the first time in their lives when they’re prepared to stand up for themselves is when they have a child to stand up for as well.
Who is it that created this low bar? Women like you bitching about other people’s choices and Looking down your nose that people you perceived to have made mistakes.

These environments are usually created by other shit men and reenforced by misogynist women.

And so the cycle continues unless it’s broken by brave women like the OP who stood up and said no this is not acceptable for my child.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/08/2025 11:07

He is going to drive 3 hours each way to see a baby for what an hour or so ?!!!
it can't / won't be much more than an hour in the early months due to feeding etc.

I wonder how long he will bother with that - a 6 hour return journey.

and according to what I have read on MumsNet it's not good for a baby to be in a car for x time, so it's not as if he will be taking baby on a 3 hour journey ?

and as I said before, babies are boring, he is going to get very little back from baby for months - what age is it they may begin to smile ?

It's going to be a long time before he can even think of overnights ! due to the distance.

I feel his interest will wane in a short period of time, as he isn't going to be getting much out of it.

and due to distance he would need to visit lots to have a bond with baby otherwise baby will be a total stranger to him and him to baby.

is he going to bother with say a twice weekly visit with a round trip of 6 hours for say a one hour visit
weekly ?
fortnightly ?
monthly ?

with a 6 hour round trip, I guess due to working, it will be a weekend day

that will affect his social life, very quickly.

It's going to be all about him, as indeed it already is with him demanding to be at the birth.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/08/2025 11:25

Your birth, your choice op. Of course you don’t have him there, you and the baby see him when you are ready.

Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 16:24

Tiswa · 28/08/2025 08:37

I didn’t say that what I said was that it is also damaging not to have a father. You can’t protect your child from this either way they have a father who is an alcoholic so yes it is going to damage them.

But if he wants to be involved and he gets himself through the court process the courts will fall on the side of him being involved and seeing the child better than the child not knowing the father.

@ADmama it is going to be a hard journey and one that is going to be difficult and inconsistent no matter what you do. But he is the father so having to find a path to deal with this is going to be tough

Show quote history

I’ve seen many Children grow up without fathers present and turn out for the better so I don’t agree with this at all ….

OP posts:
Tiswa · 28/08/2025 16:38

ADmama · 28/08/2025 16:24

I’ve seen many Children grow up without fathers present and turn out for the better so I don’t agree with this at all ….

Show quote history

But you haven’t have because there is no control group there is no experiment where identical twins one sees the father and one doesn’t.

But it isn’t your choice to decide that and it never will be ultimately it is up to your child.

Some do thrive once the decision is taken to go no or low contact with parents but that is their choice.

and it will be your child’s choice. How you give birth is yours

Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 16:42

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/08/2025 11:07

He is going to drive 3 hours each way to see a baby for what an hour or so ?!!!
it can't / won't be much more than an hour in the early months due to feeding etc.

I wonder how long he will bother with that - a 6 hour return journey.

and according to what I have read on MumsNet it's not good for a baby to be in a car for x time, so it's not as if he will be taking baby on a 3 hour journey ?

and as I said before, babies are boring, he is going to get very little back from baby for months - what age is it they may begin to smile ?

It's going to be a long time before he can even think of overnights ! due to the distance.

I feel his interest will wane in a short period of time, as he isn't going to be getting much out of it.

and due to distance he would need to visit lots to have a bond with baby otherwise baby will be a total stranger to him and him to baby.

is he going to bother with say a twice weekly visit with a round trip of 6 hours for say a one hour visit
weekly ?
fortnightly ?
monthly ?

with a 6 hour round trip, I guess due to working, it will be a weekend day

that will affect his social life, very quickly.

It's going to be all about him, as indeed it already is with him demanding to be at the birth.

His OW lives nearer so I’m not sure if his plan is one of that when he’s seeing her of a weekend he will have a place to stay and close enough to see his child but again it will be scraps of his time … even if I wasn’t planning on breast feeding new borns have to sleep in same room as their parent / parents for 6 months . Like you I don’t believe as much as he says he wants to be involved he does want to be that hands on because again he’s chosen to walk away , his carefree lifestyle of drinking and doing what he wants whe He wants ….. with this OW … lied to me etc but some people on this post think it’s better to have the dad involved even if it is just scraps and he’s a top bloke aside from how he treated me or it was somehow my fault for allowing him to treat me that way or get pregnant and he would be a great dad and I shouldn’t judge him on how he treated me to how he would be as a father

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 16:47

Tiswa · 28/08/2025 16:38

But you haven’t have because there is no control group there is no experiment where identical twins one sees the father and one doesn’t.

But it isn’t your choice to decide that and it never will be ultimately it is up to your child.

Some do thrive once the decision is taken to go no or low contact with parents but that is their choice.

and it will be your child’s choice. How you give birth is yours

Show quote history

This makes no sense ….I’ve seen working in the field that children who have grown up without the father’s involvement at all have turned out fine and have not once questioned it …. And I’ve seen more damage done to children who have had sporadic involvement … a child doesn’t need involvement from both parents if that involvement is going to more harm then good

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 16:57

Noelshighflyingturds · 28/08/2025 10:08

Yes, you absolutely can decide that this person isn’t Fit to be around your children.
For many women the first time in their lives when they’re prepared to stand up for themselves is when they have a child to stand up for as well.
Who is it that created this low bar? Women like you bitching about other people’s choices and Looking down your nose that people you perceived to have made mistakes.

These environments are usually created by other shit men and reenforced by misogynist women.

And so the cycle continues unless it’s broken by brave women like the OP who stood up and said no this is not acceptable for my child.

Show quote history

Thank you … yes I made a mistake by thinking the person I loved would change and do I regret that and wish everyday the child I’m carrying has a better father one that doesn’t feel the need to act like a teenager and go out drinking most weekends , one that didn’t lie and cheat and one that would be present every day for our child doing the role an actual father should be doing . I’m trying to protect my child from a life of that because I know what damage it causes . I’ve seen step dad or adoptive parents step up more then biological ones or just mamas doing it on there own because either they had a one night stand or the father of their child didn’t want any contact …. And the child has been just fine …. Next people will be telling me on this post if a woman got raped and fell pregnant by that rapist ( which happens ) it would be better if the child had contact with him 🙄

OP posts:
Myhairissopoofy · 28/08/2025 17:00

Campingisnexttogodliness · 23/08/2025 22:32

He can see the baby when you feel up to it.

Agree he shouldn’t be at the birth, but he should be able to see the baby as soon as possible.

the inequality on MN is laughable. It’s his baby too…as everyone will keep reminding any poster who talks about child maintenance will be reminded.

Myhairissopoofy · 28/08/2025 17:08

Shopinlille · 23/08/2025 23:50

He's lucky that you're even agreeing to him having anything to do with the baby at all. Think about whether you want his name on the birth certificate. Someone will be along soon on here being annoyed that I've said this. Hopefully someone will be along on here as well with some useful legal advice for you regarding the same. I'm thinking custody and maintenance issues.

Way to go 🙄.

If he’s wanting to be a part of the child’s life, hw absolutely should be able to. This kind of ‘punishment’ and control for his against the OP, though clearly awful, are what give women a bad rep.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/08/2025 17:22

@ADmama and of course, remember, that if he does see the baby, then it wont be happening in your home. he will have to get duplicate everything, car seat, pram, cot, clothes, nappies, bottles, food.

Suednymph · 28/08/2025 17:39

Wow a lot of hate for the OP who just clearly asked one question and has been flamed for it.

OP you are right not to let him at the birth. Yes it is half his child however this is solely your body and you have a right to decide who sees you give birth and who does not. You will be at your most fragile so absolutely have who you want in that room with you and to hell what anyone else thinks. You did not ask anything further about him seeing the child afterwards you were very clear that you wanted to know about him being at the birth so in answer, no you are not selfish. You do what is best for you, your body and your mental health during labour are paramount. If he wanted the privilege of being in the room for the birth of his child and the privilage of being there as your support then he should have behaved better.

Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 20:09

Myhairissopoofy · 28/08/2025 17:00

Agree he shouldn’t be at the birth, but he should be able to see the baby as soon as possible.

the inequality on MN is laughable. It’s his baby too…as everyone will keep reminding any poster who talks about child maintenance will be reminded.

Show quote history

not mentioned child maintanence and once again not said he couldn’t see his child

OP posts:
Original poster
ADmama · 28/08/2025 20:13

Suednymph · 28/08/2025 17:39

Wow a lot of hate for the OP who just clearly asked one question and has been flamed for it.

OP you are right not to let him at the birth. Yes it is half his child however this is solely your body and you have a right to decide who sees you give birth and who does not. You will be at your most fragile so absolutely have who you want in that room with you and to hell what anyone else thinks. You did not ask anything further about him seeing the child afterwards you were very clear that you wanted to know about him being at the birth so in answer, no you are not selfish. You do what is best for you, your body and your mental health during labour are paramount. If he wanted the privilege of being in the room for the birth of his child and the privilage of being there as your support then he should have behaved better.

Thank you 🙏🏻 exactly this my post was around the birth and nothing more ….

OP posts:
Myhairissopoofy · 28/08/2025 20:30

ADmama · 28/08/2025 20:09

not mentioned child maintanence and once again not said he couldn’t see his child

Show quote history

You didn’t. Many others have though.

BeepBoopBop · 29/08/2025 10:10

Unbelievable that so many woman would hand their baby over to a shit dad - because ‘rights’. Kids don’t need shit fathers, causing disruption and drama.

This guy has turned out to be nothing more than a sperm doner and if he really wants to be a dad, he should consider starting a long-term, loving and respectful relationship with a partner and take it from there.
Dropping your load, while cheating, then sodding off is not indicative of a loving father.

youalright · 29/08/2025 17:08

BeepBoopBop · 29/08/2025 10:10

Unbelievable that so many woman would hand their baby over to a shit dad - because ‘rights’. Kids don’t need shit fathers, causing disruption and drama.

This guy has turned out to be nothing more than a sperm doner and if he really wants to be a dad, he should consider starting a long-term, loving and respectful relationship with a partner and take it from there.
Dropping your load, while cheating, then sodding off is not indicative of a loving father.

But he was good enough to to be in a long term relationship with op and to plan a baby with but now hes cheated he's the worst person ever and can't be trusted with his own child. I can't stand women who use their children like this it only damages the child.