Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

Also. Why were you so nasty to me?

I don’t understand.

You are projecting your situation onto OP's. I think it might be better for you to hide this thread now. It isn't helping you or the OP.

Do you honestly care what he thinks?!?! I think his behaviour is beyond selfish and now you put you and your children first. His desires come second to your and their needs. He has no right to be in the room unless you want him there. Your choice not his.

Luckily I’ve never touched drugs in my life . He drinks fairly heavily most weekends one of the issues when we was together because I found it disrespectful he was going out for 10 + hours every sat / every other sat …. This is my main issue around contact but going back to the birth which was what my post was intended for me not wanting him at the birth is just protecting myself and the experience from trauma that isn’t needed … aside from that no one can predict when they will actually give birth unless it’s a planned c section and if I went into labour over a weekend it’s highly likely he’d be drunk anyway .

I didn’t say you didn’t I say ‘like you’ I will fight until my last breath . I haven’t been nasty to you at all … you’ve been projecting your situation on to me by telling me I will loose not every situation is the same / not every court rules the same or every judge rules the same . From the very get go you’ve been quite abrupt and not once mentioned you’ve been in a similar position until I asked if you was a man or been another woman in a cheating situation.

I’m not really letting it sway my actions however I feel his actions should have consequences he’s not exactly shown he’s responsible, respectable or trustworthy whilst we was together or after he chose to walk away . I’ve never once said he won’t be able to see his child

I’ve never once said he wouldn’t be able to see his child it’s others on this post that have gone into contact and I’ve stated my reasons why I don’t trust him and the reasons why I wouldn’t really want him to have that unsupervised but never once have I said he couldn’t see our child at all

it will still be down to me what access he gets unless he takes me to court for more than that e.g unsupervised…. He can’t be trusted because he is a liar and he drinks most weekends and I’ve known him to drive whilst still being over limit next day there’s no way I’m going to give him unsupervised contact

you said right here that you won’t allow him unsupervised contact so that is you letting your feelings sway your actions.

just because he was a dick partner doesn’t mean he needs to be supervised with his child. There is no reason to suspect the baby wouldn’t be safe with him.

You’re being difficult to be difficult.

and yes his actions for treating you badly should have consequences. Those consequences are that you are no longer in a relationship with him. They should in no way shape or form be related to him and his child’s relationship.

Personally I think he will lose interest over time, for some it's all about the baby being ' his ' i.e. his house his car his job his baby - just another possession !

babies are boring - he will be unable to do anything, after 5 mins of going goo goo gaga he will be so bored, is probably unlikely to change a nappy - that's woman's work / your job and unable to give a bottle if baby is breast fed.

unless of course he takes baby to see his mum ! and she ends up doing the nappies etc. whilst he sits on his phone / whatever

he moves on in life, has a different girlfriend, then another girlfriend etc his social life doesn't match with seeing baby and he moves on, gets another woman pregnant and the cycle continues...

it feels like more than half stop paying towards their child's upkeep...

just do not put him on the birth certificate

I think there’s facts in there that suggest our child wouldn’t be safe with him e.g as mentioned him drinking and I’m not going to feel comfortable or trust him when he is a liar to tell me where he’s going with our child … when he drinks I don’t want our baby being stuck in a bar

Of course women should have control over child birth. The hospital will listen to OP's wishes and won't allow him in the labour/delivery room if OP says that she doesn't want him there. Having the man who cheated on her and left her during her pregnancy present during labour would make OP anxious and could slow down labour. She needs someone with her who loves her and will advocate for her during labour. That is absolutely not her cheating ex partner.

I don't think any court will aim for 50/50 with a new born baby who OP is planning to breastfeed.

It is all about OP as she should do what she needs to safeguard her own mental health and wellbeing as she will be caring for a new born baby without the support of the baby's father.

Not necessarily a newborn but by the time it gets to court it wont be a newborn and will only likely be taken to court if op is unfair with splitting time and insisting on ex only seeing the baby supervised. Its not all about op its about the baby and the courts believe the best for a baby is equal time between two parents

She has ‘control’ because she’s the one giving birth. Ridiculous comment.

Well, the court is wrong.
This guy is an alcoholic loser. The child games nothing but a lifetime of bullshit spending any time with him never mind 50%.

Birth isn't a spectator sport. He doesn't have any right to be there and it doesn't sound like he would be of any use to you. Choose someone else as your birth partner.

But he is the father it isn’t the courts fault he is an alcoholic and if a father wants to be present in a child’s life he needs to be

be equal isn’t always true but a court will see a child having two parents is best if that is what both parents want

I work in a role where I come into regular contact with alcoholics and I saw just yesterday a young girl about 17 sat on Park bench with her pissed dad while she had to take full responsibility for getting him home which he was not going to do willingly, she sat there for nearly 8 hours While he drank himself into a coma, pissed himself abused local Park users.
I’m sure he started a nice guy that just drove home when he was over the limit with her in the car and now she’s just wasted as an absolute minimum eight hours of her life that she’ll never get back on him.
Why would any mother or even any woman want that for another young girl? Or guy for that matter.

But hes not an alcoholic is he youve created that in your own head

I very much doubt even heavy drinking socially will be a reason for courts to restrict access once the baby is old enough to be away from you for an extended period (which i imagine is after the first 6-12 months if you manage to exclusively breastfeed which lots of women don't manage to do, maybe longer for overnights if you are continuing to breastfeed). I think you would have to find proof that he had been so heavily intoxicated whilst he had the baby that it was a danger - and even then any restriction of access would be temporary. If you want to control custody I suggest you use the first 3-6 months to get a custody arrangement in place informally you are both happy with which means you badly need to calm down and look at the bigger picture/play this much smarter. None of this changes the fact that he should of course not be at the birth.

He’s just a drunk driver 🙄

Have you actually read what the op has written he drinks at the weekends and may be over the limit the next day. Do you honestly think a person wouldn't get unsupervised custody of their own child for this. Because it doesn't exactly show op in a great light that she was aware of this and did nothing about it. If I genuinely thought someone was drink driving I would absolutely be straight on the phone to the police.

Appreciate you can't change history now, but believing given you say he is untrustworthy, unreliable etc your hope he "step up" once pregnant was a little naive.

Given all you've said, yes the other woman was wrong (together with him) re the cheating, but it sounds like she has ultimately done you a favour as otherwise it seems you'd still be with him exposing your child to this chap and his issues 24/7.

You're not unreasonable to not have him at the birth. You do need to allow your child to have a relationship with it's father even if he does eventually choose to walk away. I mean you seem to have been willing to persevere in the relationship until he cheated despite his failings.

Maybe just maybe women should stop setting the bar so low, being in relationships with men like this and not get pregnant by them.

If you’re willing to lay down and create life with someone this terrible you have to accept the fact that is your child’s father.

Yes I know that some women don’t see a man’s “bad behaviour” or flaws until it’s too late but if you’ve seen a man’s bad behaviour and poor morals and life choices and then decide to still continue a relationship or sleeping with them, you can’t take the moral high ground and act like they’re too good for your child.

He could be the most loveliest most supportive nurturing partner in the world. But if the mother doesn't want him in the delivery room then that's her call. It's ALWAYS her call.