Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

No.

im neither.

I’ve been where you are and I’m trying to save you from fighting something you’ll lose. Because I tried and I lost.

I broke up with my ex husband when my baby was a few weeks old because he had been shagging a work colleague.

good luck to you.

I agree with this 100 % , I have never once said he can’t see baby as baby is half me half him do I wish baby had better of course I do because baby deserves more than a part time dad and I won’t go into the rest ….. do I think it should be unsupervised like some people think it should be no I don’t and certainly not to begin with do I think there should be set times and days in place yes because it’s not consistent if he can just turn up when he feels like it and I will have to establish a routine that’s consistent like you said 😊

Well I’m very sorry to hear that but like you I will fight until my very last breath to protect my child even if it is fighting a loosing battle ( that’s if he does indeed take me to court which I suspect seeing as he’s chosen the life of not committing to the hard work he won’t ) I won’t just give him what he wants and roll over because it’s easier .When the time comes to sort out arrangements for him seeing the child I’m not a bitch and I will of course make reasonable arrangements for him to see our child on a regular / consistent basis under my supervision especially to begin with

Wow…… he left her for another woman…who most probably knew he was in another relationship…and you’re telling OP ‘don’t be bitter….’…she has absolutely every right to have these feelings considering she’s pregnant and single now.

And the woman who is pregnant and will ultimately be going through the pregnancy and the labour is the ONLY person in this scenario who should have the control.

you’re a man aren’t you…..no women would write this….most definitely a man.

Of course you’re not being selfish. There is no obligation on you to tell him anything about your pregnancy or the baby’s birth. If your ex cared about the baby, he wouldn’t have jeopardised the baby’s health by having sex with other women knowing that any infections he caught could be transmitted through you.

Don’t tell him where you plan to give birth.

Don’t tell him when you go into labour.

Ensure that your notes clarify that he is not allowed to attend the birth.

Register the birth without him and give baby your surname- don’t even tell him about the birth until you’ve registered it. If he wants PR he can put in the legwork.

Put a CMS claim in as soon as you can.

He doesn’t have rights over the baby- he has responsibility. The rights to contact with both parents belong to the child, and you need to figure out a way between you to enable the reasonable parental contact that the baby will have the right to.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s highly likely he will get 50/50 if he goes to court.

If he goes to court (and it sounds like that’s a big if!) he may end up with 50/50 in the end, but I doubt a court would grant that when the child is a newborn and is being breastfed. It is not in the best interests of a baby to be removed from their breastfeeding mother.

However OP, you should bear in mind that the court will have no interest in the relationship breakdown. They will give no weight to the fact that he cheated and left you while pregnant. If you have any ‘proof’ of him drinking and driving while you were in a relationship it will only reflect badly on you that you didn’t report it.

What you could do, is request alcohol/drug testing if you believe he is misusing substances to the extent that he would be unable to safely supervise the child. If you do that, he might request that you submit to testing too. Hair strand drug testing can go back a fair way - 6 inches of hair can detect use within the last 12 months!

Childbirth isn't a performance women put on for men. His accusation tells me exactly why you don't want him there.

You should block him and completely ignore him. You don't have to have him present at the delivery. If the thought of him being there causes you any sort of upset, it could seriously interfere with the progress of labour.

Make sure your midwife team are aware that you don't want him there, and they will kick him out if he turns up.

Ignore the nonsense of the handmaid on this thread too.

All of this.

Don't put him on the BC and don't give baby his name.

I did fight to my last breath. Until there was nowhere else to go. Until the court said I had to give him unsupervised access despite the fact he raped and otherwise abused me on a regular basis. How dare you.

i Have already said. He has no right to be at the birth.

but if he takes you to court he will get contact. He will get parental responsibility. He will get overnights eventually and you won’t be allowed to ban him from having the OW see your child on his time.

he might not take you to court. I thought my ex wouldn’t bother. I was wrong.

but for you to suggest that I didn’t do my best to keep that man away from my children is abhorrent and a vile lie.

You need to separate how he’s treated you to his relationship with this baby.

I know you’re hurt but you’re letting it sway your actions.

Just because he’s been a shitty partner doesn’t mean you get to post God and decide if he should get a shot at being a father.

child was bottle fed. He had overnights by 11 months.

Also. How dare you. I tried everything I could. He had loads of money to fight as hard as he could. He used that money wisely (from his point of view) to paint me as a sub optimal parent who was mentally unstable.

he used to rape and otherwise abuse me but there was no proof other than my word against his because I was quiet and didn’t fight. I couldn’t prove mental abuse and I couldn’t prove that he was abusing the court system also.

the children now have very limited contact with him and see me regularly and/or consider my house their home (they are young adults)

Amazing

Nothing that you’ve stated there is a reason for him to not see his children. If he abused you that’s abuse between you and him. It’s nothing to do with these kids and that’s where you went wrong.

Yes it is, because in a just world rapists should be in jail. Where most don’t get to see their kids very often.

I know that. That is exactly what I have said to the op. There is nothing she has said that would be a reason to stop him having overnights if it goes to court.

I was advised to give my ex overnights as he would just be granted them anyway.

he went for 50/50 because he didn’t want to pay maintenance but it never was 50/50 because he wasn’t reliable and didn’t want them to interfere with his life and it ended up being the standard every other weekend and a night in the week after about 2/3 years.

but there is nothing in what the op has said that will be enough to stop this man having contact with the child.

They can’t be in jail if she doesn’t report it can they? I mean give them a chance.
It’s a very well trodden path of men treating women like absolute shit and then when they get to court making them out to be nuts.
It is amazing that it’s still fallen for, but here we are.

however, to be blunt, you don’t have to comply with court orders. Nothing happens if you don’t you just get called back to court and told OFF.
You can do this for a number of years just saying

Sadly, that isn’t how it works.

I had to give long days by the time the baby was 3 or 4 months old.

my milk never came in so they were bottle fed before someone has a go at me for not BF. I did BF my other children but not that one. I think due to the stress of it all my milk never came in but I don’t know. I tried but my nipples just bled. So I FF.

I did report it.

It didn’t go to court because there wasn’t a realistic chance of conviction.

because he painted me as nuts.

You need to separate out childbirth which is all about you and your needs and is absolutely fine to be selfish and say no with parenting.

because parenting is different he is the father and your baby has a right to know them

And I obeyed the law and the court orders.

I don’t think that’s unusual but maybe it is. I did as I was ordered and made the children available for contact.

There are lots of very sad factors in your cases that are very different from the original posters that wouldn’t be relevant
You’ve got older children together and you were married.
Both of which gave him a much stronger position than this turnip she’s having to deal with.

She can lead him a right merry dance to delay things and I would recommend that she did because you are no better off and you are treated no better by the courts for doing everything right and complying.

My child wasn’t older when we split.