Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

OP hasn't said he can't be trusted around his child?

Yano what else is damaging to the child? Stressing the mum out and upsetting her while she's pregnant. It genuinely stresses the baby out and makes their nervous system more sensitive to stress when their growing up. He's literally causing his own baby trauma by his actions.

Read the thread she said she doesn't want him to have any unsupervised access

Don’t have him there you need to reduce stress. It’s not a spectator sport it’s a serious medical event for you and you need only supportive safe people there. No ex boyfriend has a right to look at your vagina or internal organs.
don’t care if he says you’re selfish -
say ‘kindly stop calling names and don’t contact me until I’m in touch with news about our sons birth’
register child with your surname and exes as middle name

Ps you can and should be as selfish as you like while pregnant and postpartum it’s your right

Exactly!!

The OP CHOSE to have a baby. Chose to have a baby with this man. She wasn’t far along when he cheated. Now all of a sudden she says he disrespected her in the relationship and now, only still a few months in to the pregnancy (that she CHOSE), he all of a sudden can’t have unsupervised access. It seems to be all about the control (though I agree that if they’re no longer together the OP absolutely has the choice for him not to be at the birth).

Why don't we have a like button!

There's is

Yes he can fuck right off. Giving birth is not a spectator sport.

Who said we was in a long term relationship and planned the baby ? To me i was in it for the long run and yes a baby was discussed but as soon as i fell pregnant his behaviour worsened and he showed no respect to me …. Clearly demonstrating he wasn’t in it for the long run … Preferred going out getting pissed and because I kept ‘nagging’ in his eyes about it all left me because he’d got in with this OW, I’m not using my child in any way shape or form I’m trying to protect my child from a life of inconsistency, and a dad who doesn’t respect the mother of his child , someone that in his 40s still would rather go out and get pissed than step up to his responsibilities because he chose to walk away from them why should dads be congratulated or rewarded by getting to dib in and out of their child’s lives as they please and then live a life like they don’t have kids when it suits them ? not to mention the fact the most time he’d be able to spend with his child is of a weekend and it’s the weekends he likes to drink more so naturally I’m not going to want our child with him if he’s doing that or palming our child off on someone else when it’s meant to be his time .

Thank you and everytime I’ve addressed this with him he doesn’t give a crap …… I suffered a MC and then fell pregnant quite quickly again and when i addressed issues and begged for honesty he just gave me silence or misled me but carried on with same behaviors . He left me because i tried to stand up for my boundaries and hoped he’d show me he wanted to be with me and be a family by changing that behaviour he chose not to because he’d found someone else …. Which he lied about at first and kept on trying to play with my feelings of we might end up back together despite him walking away … then I found out this woman is someone I’ve sat across the table from and talked to …. And when I found out that he instantly changed again saying he was lying to me to protect me …. He loves her and that’s that.
His lies and behavior have caused nothing but stress and upset during my pregnancy so far I’m suprised I haven’t suffered another MC

Are you kidding me ?! Yes I chose to have this baby because I had already suffered a miscarriage and I wanted to be a family with the man I loved . ONCE AGAIN his behaviour got worse after this time but foolishly I still believed he would try because he made me believe he would …. and he’d disclosed an ex of his aborted a child and I didn’t want to do the same to him because I loved him and wanted that same love in return ! He kept this up until I was over 3 months pregnant and even when he walked away then I didn’t know he had been cheating are you suggesting I should’ve aborted the baby then ?

For good reason …. Until he can prove his drinking habits have changed and he builds up trust with me that he diminished by his constant lies . This would all start by a proper conversation him finally being honest and maybe just maybe apologizing which he’s not willing to do . Can’t communicate about future arrangements for our child if he continues to lie and skirt around stuff but I’m supposed to be ok with that ….

You said he drinks at weekends which a lot of people do and if he was cheating on you the chances are he wasn't out drinking all night he was with her. Yours and his relationship has nothing to do with his and his child's relationship. All he woud have to do is pass drug and alcohol testing for the court and everything your saying about him drinking will be dismissed

I didn’t say he just drank at weekends I said this is when he drinks more …. Not everybody drinks at weekends because people have responsibilities…. I’m guessing he was drunk wether he was with her or not when he was messaging me at 4/5 am in the morning with incoherent messages even if he passes a drink test at the time of court doesn’t mean he’s t total and would be responsible.. I tell you what you swap places with me and see how much you’d put up with being messed around and him dibbling in when it suits but dropping his child when it doesn’t fit in with his social life / drinking plans

But you have no idea what type of dad he will be as he hasn't been one yet just like you don't know what type of mum you will be. The reality is if you have a child with someone unless they choose to walk away you will have to share that child for the next 16 years. In the courts eyes thats usually 50/50 and alternate holidays. You could settle this between you out of court which would give you more control but if someone dictated to me I could only see my child supervised id be taking their arse to court. You need to seperate what he has done to you and let go of the bitterness and anger to do whats best for your child that is what a good parent does.

Because it’s a medical issue and one of the most vulnerable experiences a woman can have. I wouldn’t want my ex staring at my fanny or watching me in pain, or vom and maybe worse during labour. I would want someone there that I trusted, who would be there to look after me. Until baby is born, it’s the mother that that medical focus is on and she gets to make the choices because it’s her body.

Certainly wouldn’t want him there if there was an emergency.

Same with continuing the pregnancy. Her body. Her decision.

OP, don’t panic about the supervised/unsupervised contact thing. For a newborn baby, the recommendation is little and often, in the baby’s usual environment and with the baby’s primary caregiver. So come up with a reasonable offer of contact like his comes to visit the baby every weekend for a few hours one afternoon. Say Sundays from 2-5 or something. If he reliably shows up sober and civil for his contract time for the first 3 or so months, then you can talk about him taking the baby for a walk in the pram without you for a hour or so, and you build up from there. If he doesn’t consistently show up for the contact he has agreed he wants, or if he shows up drunk or too hungover to interact positively with your baby and you, then contact doesn’t build up and he doesn’t get trusted to take the baby on short walks alone.
If you don’t feel comfortable with him alone then have a family member in the house with you when he comes over.

I Am a mum already so I do know what type of mum I’ll be and that’s why I’m trying to do what’s best for my second child in this situation

This is exactly my point he can’t be trusted with a newborn on his own especially considering his behaviour aside from his cheating but never once have I said he wouldn’t be able to see his child every week … if he wished that . He needs to build up that trust with me because I’ve seen when he’s been hungover and not moved out of bed because he hasn’t been physically able to , so he needs to show me he can be consistent and reliable and in a fit state before the unsupervised contact can be built up .
i agree and do feel it needs to be set days to be consistent…. People on my post which was originally about the birth are commenting like I am an ogre not letting him get what he wants straight away and I’m using my child to get one over on him … I’m not at all and just wants best for our child which would be consistency and a stable father which so far he hasn’t proved just because the baby isn’t physically here yet it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t of been trying to demonstrate reliability … regardless of us being together or not . Yes the time will come baby is here where he will have to demonstrate that which I’ve said he will have the opportunity to do so supervised to build up that trust that he demolished.

A judge was happy my dc were at house parties on exh week ends.
Sleeping in a chair while he got pissed. Then he walked them back to his dps..
Different parenting styles the judge said...
Even when 1 dc had 2 quite serious accidenta he still kept his access schedule...
You are being very naive op.
But..
Birth alone.
Register alone.
He can submit an application for dna testing to a court to kick-start his PR and contact schedule.

Breast feeding will delay unsupervised access and overnights...
.

Hi op, looking over your comments
1, I have total empathy with you (see my user name) and I have had similar experiences with my ex and the drinking etc, arriving to visit baby hungover etc.
he did get better after baby arrived and agreed to never drink in front of baby or when baby (now age 2) stays over - we had to build up to this very slowly. Mediation was very helpful after a year, as they really told him off for being inconsistent and unreliable and late and he improved a lot after that. I have done my best to stay away from court.x
Children’s centers and baby classes were really helpful for contact as baby was safe and staff were there to support dad (eg he initially struggles with nappy changes)
it gets SO much better when baby is a talking toddler and less vulnerable and can say what they need and feel
my feedback is to be extremely careful about what you put in writing to him. Say as little as possible. If he goes to court you don’t want to give him any amo to suggest you’re being alienating or obstructive.

Give baby your surname and dads surname as a middle name

@Unexpectedlysinglemum "Give baby your surname and dads surname as a middle name"

There's no way I'd do this, give baby a proper middle name. It's not like in the UK people give the mother's surname as a middle name? So why should this waste of space get the privilege of having his name given to his child?

Court is the last thing I want to be honest but I just don’t trust him with how he’s behaved/behaving so would want it to be supervised until he could prove that he’s capable and reliable… mediation sounds like a good idea and baby groups to facilitate his time ….
At the moment I’ve gone no contact with him because of this reason and in the past when I’ve asked for honesty and a proper conversation in messages all he’s done is lied or skirted around the subject which has led to arguments.
& I just want to try and process it all , deal with my pregnancy emotions and try and enjoy the last few months of this pregnancy as best I can which is hard when online he and this ow keep posting stuff of them together it’s like a stab in the heart everytime .
I will be a single mum of 2 the first time by choice because I adopted this time not by choice as I thought I met a man who was willing to be a family but he’s left me in pieces.

I would of considered his surname as a middle name but his surname is very similar to mine they practically sound the same so not really ideal for a middle name plus I’m having a LG so wanted her to have a nice feminine double barreled middle name like my other LG has but I’m trying to incorporate when you spell out baby’s initials it almost spells his moms nickname which I think will be nice for his mom.

No obligation at all to use his name. Or put him on the birth certificate. Don't do either.

@ADmama You don't need to justify your baby not having his name. It makes the most sense for your baby to have the same surname as you and your other daughter.

Just have the baby, let him know when he can come and visit, don't put him on the birth certificate but allow him to have regular visits at your house.

If he later goes to court seeking parental responsibility and unsupervised contact you just explain to the court that given his lifestyle and the fact that he's unreliable you didn't want to take the risk of him having parental responsibility without any court ordered contact arrangements in case he took your baby and refused to return them because it would be incredibly traumatic for you and the baby to be separated for even a short length of time.

Try to breastfeed for at least a year if possible, it'll be a strong argument against him having the baby for more than a few hours at a time.