Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

Has he been to any scans with you or supported you throughout the pregnancy at all. It’s up to you entirely who you want with you when you give birth and also to decide where and when he gets to meet the baby. You may feel differently once you’ve given birth and change your mind about him seeing his baby once your hormones kick in, I hope you have support from family and friends.

The role of the father in the delivery room is to support the mother. Nothing to do with being there when the baby is born... it won't make him a better father, or make them bond etc.
Its a medical procedure where the mothers help, mental and physical, takes priority.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to communicate with this man for the next 18+ years so you will need to find some way to be cordial fir the child's sake. But not in the delivery room. But for the next few months when you need to be nearby but he needs to see the baby... you need to live with each other.

Good luck.

You’re allowed to be selfish about giving birth, in fact I think it’s essential that you are. You’re the one going through it, and no one else has any right to be there. Birth involves pain, blood sweat and tears, and a lot of getting your vag out, you definitely get the last word on who’s in the room with you.

And as an aside, I bet he doesn’t even care that much, he’s just using this as a stick to beat you with. Time to go grey rock.

While they are giving birth?

Its all perfectly reasonable to want to focus on you. Just don't give him a lot of energy his feelings on this is not as important as yours.

Make sure you tell your midwife you don't want him at the birth.

Her birth though. Would you want someone who you hate to see you so vulnerable? She’s not said he can’t see the baby at all. Birth is very stressful and often traumatic you need someone you can trust there.

🤣This made me laugh , my best friend is hopefully going to be in the room with me . He then said could he be waiting in hospital but I will be anxious and upset just knowing he’s there . He’s ruined the pregnancy . I’ve got so much to deal with afterwards because I already have a daughter ( not to him ) and she already asks where he is and that breaks my heart so to explain he will
‘ sometimes’ see baby but not really her is horrendous. I resent him for coming into our lives and making out he wanted a life with us and would like to have a child with me to throw it all away because I called him out on his disrespectful behviour making comments about other women , going out drinking till 4/5 am of a weekend then obviously leaving me pregnant and more than likely cheating on me with the woman he’s with now .
i just want the birth to be as stress free as possible and to enjoy this moment as much as i can seeing as he’s ruined everything else

There’s no way I will ever have that relationship with her because she knew I was pregnant and they was messaging before we broke up so even if there wasn’t physical cheating there was emotional cheating because he walked away from me and his child to go and be with her and her older children … and what is more made her social media public and posting all over it pictures of them together if that’s not to rub it in my face I don’t know what is … unless she goes over my dead body she will never play ‘step mum’ to my child .

Irrespective of whose baby it is, no one has a "right" to be at the birth.

No I have never heard of this long story short I single adopted my other LO when they was 6 months old as I hadn’t met the right person more fool me thinking I finally had when I met him … so I’m going to be giving birth for the first time .

he has no right to be at the birth so stop being confrontational about that and just say you’ll let him know. and don’t let him know until the baby is born.

however, unless he is deemed to be a safeguarding risk to your joint child, he will have unsupervised contact with his child and he will be able to decide who that child is around in his time. So you wont be able to stop him getting his partner to care for the child.

You can keep him at arms length for two years
Breast feed, refuse access etc unless its at your house, him and his mother/sister/brother not her
Make him take you to court if he wants anything formal

Of course he shouldn’t be at the birth. You need to be in the right mindset and his presence will ruin that. Make sure your midwives know not to keep him updated or allow him in to the ward.
Does he know your due date? If not, add a couple of weeks on.
Register your baby without naming the father. Breast feed if you can. Make him do all the work to get parental rights.

The birth is about the mothers comfort and getting the baby here safely. Baby does not give a toss or need support. The mother does not deserve to have someone there at all who she doesn't want there. It's ALL about the mothers needs. Emotional or otherwise.

Why people can't grasp that boggles my head. How selfish.

I thought he couldn’t be on the birth certificate unless he went with her to register the birth if they weren’t married? As in, I didn’t think she could name him on the birth certificate unless he was physically there unless they were married?

All about what he wants. Knowing you were pregnant with his baby he left you and now wants to be Dad of the year. He gave up that privilege when he went to another woman. @ADmama just stop communicating with him, letting him mess with your head and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Contact him when you are ready and be clear re contact etc. Good luck to you and stay strong.

Hang on, even if a couple are happily married if the wife doesn’t want her husband at a birth that is her right. For an ex partner to expect to be there is beyond belief, I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t love and care about me standing there looking at my nether regions.

This. About time some women took responsibility for their actions. As should the men. I hate this narrative that other women have no responsibility. It’s selfish and shitty behaviour. Just don’t tell him OP. The midwives won’t let him in if he turns up.

Go into labour with only those you want there to support you.

It could be easier to allow the ex to meet the baby while you are in hospital though. I wouldn't invite him to my home until I was very comfortable, recovered and had someone else there.

Stay strong. Don't give baby his surname.

You are correct that she can’t name him unless he attends.
She should register as soon as possible without him, in case he tries to inveigle his way on to the BC as he is trying to the labour room.

Your body your choice. You do not have to please anybody else during child birth.

Giving birth is a very vulnerable and scary experience. You do not need to have someone who you don’t like there watching.

Tell him to kick rocks.

@abracadabra1980 Yes! I came on here to say the same. The OP gets to do exactly what she wants