Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

She is the one baring all, literally! Of course she should have all the control!

Yanbu to not want him there. However stop arguying with him just say "I will let you known when its time "

He will take that to mean time to go to hospital you will know its time to meet the baby.

Dont get into arguments itsngiving him energy he doesnt deserve from you

I agree. Why should she have all the control.

OP, I suggest you tell your ex that you are perfectly prepared to cede some of the control to him so he can deliver half the baby. It might be a bit sore for him but it will be more than a bit sore for you too. I hope his stitches heal and he doesn't lose a lot of blood and need a transfusion (like I did).

Meanwhile in the normal non-man-arse-licking world ... of course you don't need a cheating ex in the room while you go through a deeply personal medical event in which you will be vulnerable and emotional - as well as sore, in pain and possibly needing someone to support medical decisions for you.

Ask your mother or sister or friend to be with you. laugh at him when he says he should be there. Asshole.

Agree with registering the birth alone so he isnt on the birth certificate and giving the baby your surname. Dont be bullied about that, you will regret it later if you do.

Not just that, the baby will likely not be happy with having the dad's surname in the future. I know 2 DC (not siblings) with absent dads surnames who hate their surnames. I'm sure there are many more.
Children should have the surname of an active involved parent, whilst this can be the dad in some situations if it isn't guaranteed then they should have the mums. And this situation is far from guaranteed to be a dedicated involved father.

“Don’t be bitter” is an utterly stupid and unsympathetic thing to say to a woman who has been cheated on and subsequently left whilst pregnant.

Why should OP have all the control? Well because it’s her body that will be in labour, not his.
Because she’s the patient and what she wants is what is taken into account, not what non-patients want.
Because she doesn’t want the stress of being around him affecting her ability to give birth. Because she doesn’t want him around her during her most vulnerable time.
Because she doesn’t want to him to see her naked.

No, your ex was the selfish one leaving you when pregnant and going straight into a new relationship. Just as you’ve had to adjust to new realities, so does he. Having someone there at the birth is for the purpose of supporting you through labour, which could go for many hours.

I would arrange for an introductory meeting with the baby after it’s all over and you’ve had all your medical needs attended to, including any complications.

Are you a bloke?

nobody who won’t actively make the experience better for you belongs at your birth. Of course he doesn’t - tell him that if he were growing the baby he’d choose but it wouldn’t come up then because you wouldn’t have been off fucking someone else in that scenario, and you’ll let him know when baby is born and arrange for him to meet baby. (The day or so later when you feel comfortable- you are not obliged to notify ihim immediately if he comes and bangs on the door at the hospital while you’re still recovering. )

The only person who absolutely has to be in the room is the one pushing the baby out. Even medical personnel are interchangeable to an extent. Faithless ex-partners whose presence may contribute to complications for birthing mothers and babies definitely don't need to be there. This one has caused enough distress already and OP would be well within her rights to ask for him to be excluded. He can visit his baby after the birth.

And "tart" is practically a term of endearment and nowhere nearly as harsh as the names the OP's ex deserves. It's a shame the English language is deficient in that respect - we need more words for male tarts, slags, slappers, sluts, strumpets, floozies, etc. There are plenty of them about!

All the best to you and your LO OP.

You are not being selfish . Just do what's best for you .

This. Childbirth is intensely personal, private and intimate, and he has no right to be there whatsoever. You are not being selfish. You need to be able to focus on you, with all the support that the midwives and your birth partner an give you.

The last thing you need is someone in the room with an antagonistic attitude.

Ignore him, he's wrong and needs to take a good look at himself.

Then you've clearly never given birth.

It isn't a spectator sport, or a source of entertainment. An ex has no place in a delivery room unless specifically wanted by the mother.

This.

He’s made his choice and there are consequences to that. Not being at the birth is one. These are the others

Also make sure you claim cms

Fairly obvious I think. MN baiting seems to be a thing over on Redditt I am reliably informed......sad that they have nothing better to do. He is probably a performative member of "Families Need Fathers" despite being a shagaround who pays nothing to his kids and always has an excuse to not see them.

Or an OW

Good call

Absolutely have every right to say no to this.

Child birth is one of the most personal, vulnerable and special times, you should not be sat there worrying about who is on the room.

Best of luck op.

But it's the OP's body? It's her who is going to be in severe pain, vulnerable, need proper support ect. Why would she want an ex there? Regardless if he's the dad? It's not a show he needs to be there to watch?

i don’t want him at the hospital , I did consider this but I know after the way he’s treated me whilst we was together and the fact that he’s more than likely cheated on me and has moved on with this person …. I know my thoughts will be that of aniexty and upset knowing he’s out there waiting and the first time I will have seen him in months will be just after I’ve endured giving birth …. If I’m upset and distressed during birth because my minds on him surely that puts baby at risk so that’s why I’ve said he can see us when we are home and settled however if we end up staying in hospital for a few days for whatever reason then yes he can come see us in hospital but not that very same day . I want to be in the best mindset to face him as possible ( although I suspect it will still flaw me whenever I see him ) but it definitely will when I’ll be vulnerable and emotional as it is

In response to your last post, you don't know how your birth is going to go or how you are going to feel. I wouldn't commit to a time frame. Tell him you will let him know when you are ready. Saying you'll let him know when it is time is fine too. Don't wait an unreasonable period of time, but do wait till you feel ready. Have you heard of the third day blues? I get them big time and never had any visitors at all on the third day as I'd just be a tearful mess.

Women should have ALL the control during childbirth because it's their body going through the extremely difficult, painful, dangerous and potentially humiliating experience of expelling a human though her genitals. HTH.

First you said you suspected that he cheated on you and then you say he did cheat on you!

I would drop all the animosity towards the woman as chances are if they stay together she will be caring for your child at some point and it’s better to have a good relationship with her if your ex is as unpleasant as you say he is.

YANBU. Stay clear from twat and tart and focus on yourself and the life you have within you.

The irony of him calling you selfish when he left you for another woman when you’re months away from giving birth to his child. If his child was so much his priority he could have waited a few months before getting with this OW. Unbelievable! Don’t expect he will be a hands on parent after all this either.

As a wise PP said, don’t get into a back and forth with him. Tell him clearly what the plan is and then don’t engage with him until it’s time to tell him your baby has been born. Focus on you and your baby only!