Ex thinks I’m being selfish

[ADmama]

So my ex left me in June and I’m now 6 months pregnant. He was disrespectful to me in the relationship and I suspect he cheated on me towards the end as the tart he’s with now he knew whilst we was together .. anyway needless to say I’m not on good terms with the lying piece of work and because of his behaviour not on speaking terms . I’ve decided it will be too upsetting and distressing for me to have him at the birth so I’ve explained I don’t want him there and he can come see baby once we are back home and settled . He says I’m being selfish … what are peoples thoughts ?

Best you said nothing then.

@ADmama nah you are definitely not being unreasonable!! Why would anyone allow their ex to view their private parts after breaking up??? they lost that right to view when they left. you have the right to decide who YOU want in the delivery room. He doesnt even have the right to know that you are in labour or the right to attend hospital appointments and scans!!! you can, in you want, inform him of the birth a couple of weeks after baby is born!!

This makes no difference. If he wants parental responsibility the court will ask for a dna test.

why do you think this makes a difference?

It does make a difference in terms of how the child is known to her friends to her family to her school how she’s introduced
It seems to be 10 times worse when there’s a little boy involved.
Mum and child are a unit.

They have the same surname

Yes but legally it makes no difference.

Because women are the ones who have to go through the pain and the panic of childbirth!
She’s not refusing him access to his child. Just trying to plan a birth where she’s at ease enough to cope. Childbirth is overwhelming enough without adding the tension of having an ex who treated you badly and who you can’t get along with in the room.
Childbirth is not about the father. It’s nice for everyone if the father is a calm, loving presence who makes the mother feel relaxed and safe - she gets his support, he gets the privilege of witnessing the birth of his child, the child later gets the knowledge of how their birth happened. But even in loving relationships, this is not always possible - sometimes the father just can’t be in the room, because they have to look after other children, or they are away at work, or they are too squeamish to be a calm helpful presence. When the relationship has broken down and the former couple are not getting along, it is simply too much to ask of the mother to cope with the father’s presence in the room on top of the emotional tsunami that is childbirth.

Fuck that, he has absolutely no right whatsoever to watch OP going through labour. Why the fuck would it occur to you that he would have??

The whole idea of him camping out at the hospital to wait to come in after the birth is ridiculous too. I feel like that only happens on TV. Labour and delivery wards don’t usually have a big waiting area like A&E does. The one I gave birth at had a small waiting area behind a door you had to be buzzed into - they let you in when you’re in labour with a birth partner if you bring one. They don’t let just anyone in. They don’t want people camped out there. It’s for women in labour to wait in while the midwives figure where to put them. And you don’t know if labour will last two hours or two days. They usually keep you in the labour and delivery ward for a couple of hours after a straightforward birth and you wouldn’t want anyone in that room who you don’t feel comfortable with because you’re usually having stitches done/having a still quite goopy baby doing skin to skin/breastfeeding on your chest. The midwives will still be monitoring your blood loss in case of haemorrage. Basically no one visits the labour and delivery ward. You visit the postnatal ward during visiting hours if you’re invited. No need whatsoever for anyone to be camped out at the hospital waiting to come into the room seconds after the birth.

Sadly, I’ve got firsthand experience of the midwives being more than accommodating in these situations
It was like a bloody day out for him and his family all sat there camped out being given cups of tea and sandwiches by midwives who didn’t really have time to attend to those actually in labour but they found the time to look after the menz 🙄

Ew.
So in other words be a good girl and take your knickers off for someone you don't want to be there?
Until men grow a uterus and birth a child, we will indeed have the control while in childbirth.

Sorry that happened to you.
If you’re not welcome at the birth why would you assume you have any right to barge in before the mother has had a chance to complete the medical side of things (3rd/stage, stitches, monitoring) and take a shower and put some fresh clothes on? A clean nightie or dressing gown is world’s apart from the remains of a hospital gown or whatever ruined bits of clothing you felt like keeping on during labour. People are weird and so uncaring towards new mums sometimes.

It’s fairly common if you read the threads about dads being on postnatal towards the midwives run around like Blue arsed flies looking after daddy’s whilst mummy’s bleeding from the eyes.
The more I think about this OP I would genuinely not tell him until after you’ve had the baby and you are home don’t say a word. It’s the safest way.

Don’t tell him when contractions start, he’ll never know. It’s not up to him who’s at ‘your’ birth. Make sure you register baby with your surname. He could very well bugger off and you’re left with a child whose surname can’t be changed. Don’t let him be there for the registration either or let on when your appointment is. His new gf will likely lose interest when the baby arrives.

I would speak to my midwife and ask whether he could see the child in hospital on his own in the nursery rather than on the ward. I wouldn't want to be there while he saw the baby for the first time. I would not allow his girlfriend to be there at all. No way should he be at the birth. I would not tell him when I went into labour and I wouldn't tell anybody else who might tell him. I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I was in the same position except I didn't know about the other woman at the time. I just knew something was very wrong.

You’re a disgrace. Sneakily advertising like that. Playing on a pregnant woman’s anxieties. I’d never use such a bunch of charlatans if I was looking for a private midwife. Disgraceful.

it will still be down to me what access he gets unless he takes me to court for more than that e.g unsupervised…. He can’t be trusted because he is a liar and he drinks most weekends and I’ve known him to drive whilst still being over limit next day there’s no way I’m going to give him unsupervised contact

It’s not that we just didn’t work out and it was an amicable split it’s the fact he completely destroyed me because he chose to walk away and be with someone else because he couldn’t be arsed to sit down and talk about what was going on or to step up for me and his unborn child what makes me have any confidence he will if he can do that to me whilst pregnant will he be consistent when baby is here …. I’m not saying he can never see the baby but I do think I have a right to decide that I don’t want to be upset at him being present at the birth and causing more distress and upset to me when he’s ruined the pregnancy . None of this has been my choice because if it was he’d of been the loving supporting partner I wanted / needed not a lying piece of shit

Tbh I don’t think I will want to be away from baby at first so the idea of the nursery part isn’t really what I want , unless I’m kept in for a few days and then yes I’d consider that but usually with straight forward births sometimes your home the same / next day . That’s why I have said to him once we are settled at home . It’s horrible I didn’t know to begin with he lied and said he wasn’t and then played it down saying he was talking to someone and he’d never say never to us getting back together despite him being the one not stepping up and walking away then I found out who it was and they had been in communication before he walked away from me so unless i’m dumb , deaf and blind he was already moving on with her whilst still with me and that’s why he couldn’t be arsed sorting his crap out because he’d already checked out and checked in on her …. Then when I did find out who it was a different story acting cold towards me , he is completely in love with the OW and he apparently only said he’d never say never and lied to me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and because he wanted to see his child …..

If he goes to court, unless you have proof, he will get unsupervised contact.

and even with proof, it’ll be contact centre, supervised, with a plan to move to unsupervised.

sorry. Xx

Don't tell him when you are registering baby as that will give him parental responsibility if he's added to the birth certificate. If he wants it, he'll have to put in some effort to fight for it as with access to the baby.

Me too, was wondering if it was Nellie Boswell posting 🙄

You need to be careful because if you act like this he will take you to court and will get 50/50. Your relationship with him has nothing to do with the relationship your child and him will have

Yeah that’s if he goes to court which I suspect he won’t but even if he does they won’t give him unsupervised contact / rights to take baby for weekends when they will be a newborn and ill be breastfeeding plus I do have proof so as you say it will be supervised even if it’s not by me which is what is needed x

If you knew he was driving over the limit, I hope you reported him.