New mum and getting 10 hours sleep while the dad is doing the night feeds

[Elizabeth2018]

My friend has had a new baby who is two weeks old and as a new mum she isn’t waking up during the night for night feeds with her baby.

Her partner is doing it all. She is going to bed and getting up at 9am all refreshed…… while her partner is up all night making bottles. He is tired and needs help while she is sleeping away.

This can’t be normal can it?

It doesn't seem fair no unless he's just got a couple of weeks off and is doing what he can in that time? Then they're going to share more. Its hard to know without context, she might really need the help and sleep for a while

Doesn’t matter what’s ‘normal’ couples do what’s best for them. Is he working, on paternity leave or doing night feeds then going to work? What kind of birth did she have? There’s lots of factors to know before it can be said it’s fair or unfair.

edited to ask are you involved in this situation, how do you know he needs help whilst she sleeps? Or are you just presuming?

She has just spent nine months growing a baby. This may be the first good sleep she's had in a while.

I would try to be a better friend.

Is he off work currently? If so that makes sense if she's having a tough recovery. There would probably be far fewer cases of PND if more mums got chance to recover and rest at first.
Obviously longer term its not sustainable, but it's also a good way of dad bonding in these early weeks. Providing he's still off work it makes much more sense him doing the night shift considering he hasn't just given birth.

Don't see the problem with that really. Presumably he will finish his paternity leave soon and the mum will take over the night feeds? It's normal to be tired with a newborn and she's still recovering from birth.

I exclusively breastfeed so I've done all the nights since birth. It's tiring but it's not actually that hard and it's not forever. He'll manage.

My husband used to do the 3am feed. He loved it. The quiet time with the baby, bonding, he’s often up at 3am anyway…in bed, but he seems to naturally wake around 2:30 and rarely gets back to sleep until 4.

Different things work for different families.

I’d second the advice to focus on being a better friend.

Lots of mums end up doing this even after going back to work and nobody thinks it strange or unsustainable, even when it is. Nice to see the shoe on the other foot for once.

Actually, if you are bottle feeding anyway and if the Dad is on paternity leave, it makes sense to take the opportunity to recuperate if you can.

Are you actually his mother?

I’m sure he’s able to speak for himself if he doesn’t want to do it.

Yeah if he is off work currently could work for them? I did all the night feeds for both DC as bf and no one batted an eyelid

Suuuuure.

Tell him to sleep when the baby sleeps and let his housekeeping standards slide for a bit

Why does a man need help to look after a baby for 10 hours?

Presumably they are tag teaming while he is on paternity leave. He can sleep during the day. If he earnt more, they could employ a night nurse.

Maybe practice some self care and grab a five minute shower if he can?

Good for her! She's just spent 9 months going through a pregnancy and is now recovering from giving birth, presumably he's on paternity leave? If so, why shouldn't he be doing this? It isn't completely normal, no, but it should be!

Tbf, when women in that situation post on MN, they are told their husbands are useless.

But that's in a situation where both are working, and no one is recovering from labour. I'd assume in this case the dad is on leave.

Are you sure this is what is happening? Why is he up all night making bottles?? how long does it take to make a bottle?

Anyway if he is off work he can cover the nights and sleep during the day. Pregnancy and childbirth take a huge physical toll.

Well nobody showed any concern for me when I was being constantly woken up by a baby after returning to work.

Tell him that the the dishes and cobwebs will wait and rocking his baby is the most important job in the world right now.

Good shout. And then he can pop baby in a sling and get on with the housework.

He has no choice…. He’s asked for some help but she won’t get up

She sounds very lazy. Great for a man to be doing this, but it should be shared.
DH and I did a 4/3 divide.

Are you worried she is depressed?

Yes this is unusual but it’s common for women to do all the night wakes and nobody shows concern. What exactly are you concerned about,

Is this really your friend? Does she have birth injuries? I assume this is new and unusual behaviour for her? Is she depressed?

The early days are rocky as a couple, don't get overly involved.

Remind him to do it all with good grace, a happy parent is a happy baby.

She could have complications from the birth. She could have, or be at high risk of, post partum psychosis. It could be PND. None of these are necessarily something they'd disclose to friends and relatives.