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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

New mum and getting 10 hours sleep while the dad is doing the night feeds

269 replies

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:17

My friend has had a new baby who is two weeks old and as a new mum she isn’t waking up during the night for night feeds with her baby.

Her partner is doing it all. She is going to bed and getting up at 9am all refreshed…… while her partner is up all night making bottles. He is tired and needs help while she is sleeping away.

This can’t be normal can it?

OP posts:
ThePartingOfTheWays · 26/02/2025 11:33

Treeleaf11 · 26/02/2025 11:01

You said in your OP she is getting up at 9am all refreshed, now she is sleeping all day.

I agree with PP that she has PND or she is physically unwell, they need to speak to doctor/midwife/HV

Yes, these things can't both be true.

InTheRainOnATrain · 26/02/2025 11:34

You’re contradicting yourself. Either she’s waking up refreshed or she’s sleeping all day. It can’t be both. Which is it? Is she unwell with birth complications and/or PND? Has she seen a doctor?

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 26/02/2025 11:35

Does she have PND?

Upstartled · 26/02/2025 11:37

InTheRainOnATrain · 26/02/2025 11:34

You’re contradicting yourself. Either she’s waking up refreshed or she’s sleeping all day. It can’t be both. Which is it? Is she unwell with birth complications and/or PND? Has she seen a doctor?

Well, given the fact that she switched from waking up as fresh as a daisy, to pinned to her bed for so long her baby doesn't know her, after the op wasn't getting an outraged response she has hoped...I'm getting a whiff of bollocks.

Pyjamatimenow · 26/02/2025 11:38

Doesn’t sound normal. She might be depressed or struggling to bond.

EmeraldSakara · 26/02/2025 11:39

My money is on this being MIL. The sentence "I'm concerned the little baby needs its mummy to cuddle" is a giveaway 🙄 .

Digdongdoo · 26/02/2025 11:39

Women have done it since time immemorial. It's only been 2 weeks. He'll live.
How did the birth and pregnancy go? Complications? Blood loss?
I hope he's keeping an eye on her mood and relationship with baby though.

TheStigarette · 26/02/2025 11:40

Something is obviously very wrong with poor Mum. I'm surprised your concern is not for your friend

Lime90 · 26/02/2025 11:42

If she’s sleeping during the day too she sounds depressed. Can can you do to try to help her?

WhatMe123 · 26/02/2025 11:43

I'd assume some form of post natal depression/anxiety. Maybe speak to her see she is ok, she doesn't sound ok to me

PrettyFox · 26/02/2025 11:43

You sound incredibly judgmental and you are contradicting yourself. In the original post she sleeps 9 hours straight and 'gets up at 9am all refreshed" and you are concerned about the husband. Further down the line "she sleeps all day" and now you are concerned that the "baby needs mummy's cuddles".

Is she really your friend? Because it does sounds like a post from a MIL, offended that her little prince is having to parent.

WhatMe123 · 26/02/2025 11:46

I too think op is the mother in law. Rather than posting on here assuming she's in the wrong, she doesn't seem ok to me please see to her rather than suggesting she's somehow wrong

Devonshiregal · 26/02/2025 11:46

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:45

He has no choice…. He’s asked for some help but she won’t get up

I remember hearing someone talking about their wife and how she was lazy and wouldn’t get out of bed and was doing very little and wanted to scream mate your wife has pnd. So here is my chance - your (whoever she is to you) woman sounds like she has pnd. If she won’t get up to her baby in the night even when asked that is an issue. And her looking all refreshed in the day doesn’t mean she doesn’t have it. And it can be subtle and confusing. It isn’t always the stereotype of sitting there sobbing looking like a mess.

unless you’re going to drip feed that she’s an obnoxious twit always and has always been a bit abusive to him…then she’s just a tosser - but it happens to many women who are left holding the baby and doing all the night feeds and no one bats an eyelid. If this is the case the husband is going to have to decide if he wants to stay in a relationship with her. But that’s up to him.

And if he needs help he could call the midwife/new baby nurses for advice

Noodlehen · 26/02/2025 11:48

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

It’s not for you to be concerned though, is it?

maybe the mum is depressed, maybe she’s physically unwell. You’ve said she’s not doing the nights - does that mean she’s doing the entire day? He’s the parent too , why should it fall on the mum.

what a weird and slightly nasty post for you to make. You haven’t mentioned your relationship to them either.

Mulledjuice · 26/02/2025 11:54

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

Why haven't you said whether he's on paternity leave?

What help does he want? Lots of help can be bought in.

I'm also wondering about PND....

Mulledjuice · 26/02/2025 11:55

@Elizabeth2018 how does your friend seem with the baby during the day?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/02/2025 12:04

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

You sound like a great friend.

To him, I'm assuming. 🤨

Spirallingdownwards · 26/02/2025 12:04

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:45

He has no choice…. He’s asked for some help but she won’t get up

You're his mum - aren't you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2025 12:05

Did she want the baby?

newkettleandtoaster · 26/02/2025 12:07

GuiltyGiraffe · 26/02/2025 10:34

Don't see the problem with that really. Presumably he will finish his paternity leave soon and the mum will take over the night feeds? It's normal to be tired with a newborn and she's still recovering from birth.

I exclusively breastfeed so I've done all the nights since birth. It's tiring but it's not actually that hard and it's not forever. He'll manage.

Agree with this.

We did similar. I was breastfeeding so obviously I did that but then I slept and dp did all the burping and changing.

I barely changed a nappy for the first two weeks.

Then paternity leave ended and it was all on me.

I'd imagine he's doing what he can, while he can.

Endofyear · 26/02/2025 12:10

I'm amazed to be honest that she's not woken by a crying baby. Most new mothers are primed to be alerted by the slightest noise their baby makes and our senses are generally on high alert in this period. It's evolutionary.

Is she possibly extra tired and feeling low? Could possibly be PND starting so my advise would be for them to speak to their GP/Midwife/Health Visitor if that's the case.

FiveBarGate · 26/02/2025 12:10

I'd be worried too.

Can you check she's okay? Could be mental or could have a physical cause like anaemia if she lost a lot of blood.

My sister in law has an awful birth and my BIL did most of the early nights because she was still physically wrecked and he was off. This made total sense but he was also managing and if he'd asked for help she'd have given it.

The shutting down would worry me more so than the logistics.

charmanderflame · 26/02/2025 12:14

If this was the man sleeping through whilst mum does all the night feeds you wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Notgivenuphope · 26/02/2025 12:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2025 12:05

Did she want the baby?

If she did doesn’t sound like it now

Klozza · 26/02/2025 12:24

I had my second baby in November, I choose to combi feed, so pump and formula for bottle feeding. For the first 3 weeks my partner was on paternity he did the full night feeds, then when he went back to work he still did them for a while. He’s a late night kinda guy and did late shift work anyway. I’d be up with baby at 7am and would do the full day, he’d sleep until 2pm, go to work at 4pm until 11pm, then come home and have the baby until 7am and I’d take back over. This allowed me to have a full 8 hours sleep, which I appreciated hugely. It’s not the ‘norm’ but also definitely not a bad thing if it works for the couple. I lost my mum to suicide a week before my baby was born so I was a bit of a wreck, so my partner knew the grief and post-partum depression was already too much for me to handle, let alone no sleep on top of that, I also have a 3 year old to wrangle in the day, so this gesture was hugely appreciated. We then took it in turns for a bit then luckily she started sleeping through the night at 2 months.

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