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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

New mum and getting 10 hours sleep while the dad is doing the night feeds

269 replies

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:17

My friend has had a new baby who is two weeks old and as a new mum she isn’t waking up during the night for night feeds with her baby.

Her partner is doing it all. She is going to bed and getting up at 9am all refreshed…… while her partner is up all night making bottles. He is tired and needs help while she is sleeping away.

This can’t be normal can it?

OP posts:
salemcooper · 26/02/2025 12:56

This doesn't seem like a real post... more like one of those "ah-ha! In real life it's the other way around and yet no one is batting an eyelid! Look at how sexist society is" social experiment sort of posts...

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 26/02/2025 13:13

No, of course it isn’t normal for a new mum to sleep all day and all night with no interest in interacting with her baby. She sounds like she needs help. How are you more concerned about dad and baby in this situation?!

Coralsunset · 26/02/2025 13:15

Either this is a woman you despise and hate, or it’s a woman you are being told lies about, or she’s unwell.

Perfectly fine for dad to do night feeds whilst on paternity leave, allowing mum to recover from birth.

Rather unusual for mum to be giving baby zero cuddles.

I would love to hear her version.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 26/02/2025 13:15

@salemcooper I got that sense too in the first post but the update about mum sleeping all day makes me think (or worry) it might be a real situation with an unwell mum and someone who obviously only cares about the dad and baby!

KeyWorker · 26/02/2025 13:25

I don’t see a problem with this. He is healthy and able? She has just spent presumably 9 months growing the baby and has at the very least a dinner plate sized wound healing in her uterus plus/minus episiotomy stitches/grazing/c-section wound to heal plus the general recovery of birth even if it was the most straightforward.

If you are concerned for her mental health and bonding with the baby, that may well be a valid concern, however if you were so concerned you’d have opened with that, not included it a few posts in.

Bet you’d not bat an eyelid if he was sleeping all night and she was up with every feed. You need to reflect on that, OP.

Tattletail · 26/02/2025 13:26

Having a baby is brutal. The toll that pregnancy takes on your body then the physical extreme of giving birth is exhausting. So I would be inclined to say good for her for getting some bloody rest especially as she is a just 2 weeks postpartum.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 26/02/2025 13:29

I'd be concerned about the mother, to be honest. If she refuses to get up at night for the baby, but sleeps most of the day as well, she might have post-natal depression - or some other unresolved medical issue from pregnancy or birth. She might be really unwell either from depression or from an undiagnosed medical condition. I'd be less quick to judge, but maybe she needs help and support to seek medical attention.

Strugglingforanamechange · 26/02/2025 13:29

Anonycat · 26/02/2025 10:39

Are you actually his mother?

I’m sure he’s able to speak for himself if he doesn’t want to do it.

This was my thoughts too! Definitely his mother.

Anxioustealady · 26/02/2025 13:34

If my husband gave birth, I'd let him catch up on sleep to recover, cook his meals and do as much housework as possible, but the other way around is unthinkable apparently. 🤨

WimbyAce · 26/02/2025 13:38

I remember my first night home with my 2nd. We got eldest to bed and then I handed baby over to OH at 8pm and off I went to bed. Hadn't really slept in hospital while he had been at home sleeping so fair dos.
After that we tag teamed and did shifts so we always got a decent block of sleep each. Worked for us and got us through those early months.
If she is sleeping all night and the day though it is a bit concerning. Hope she is ok.

TagSplashMaverick · 26/02/2025 13:39

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

A baby needs a loving parent. Which it has in its dad.

Is the mum quite well? Has anyone considered PND? Did she have a big bleed?

Coralsunset · 26/02/2025 13:41

What do we reckon?

MIL?
SIL?
Huge crush on the father?
Ex Partner of the dad?

MyDeftDuck · 26/02/2025 13:52

If he is on paternity leave I can quite understand that he might be taking on that responsibility pending his return to work.

However, if that isn't the case and there is no medical/phycological reason for him doing it then he is making a rod for his own back. What happens when he goes back to work? Poor bloke will be knackered.

SlightlyJaded · 26/02/2025 13:53

MIL 2/1 odds
SIL 5/1 odds
Ex of partner 8/2 odds
Crush of partner 19/3 odds
Actual friend 98778/1 odds

Coralsunset · 26/02/2025 13:55

I’m going with SIL

Onlycoffee · 26/02/2025 13:56

My DH did this the first week with all our dcs. He was on paternity leave, I was recovering from giving birth including one baby was born caesarian.

He did it because he knew when he went back to work he wouldn't be able to do night feeds.
He did do a fairly late night feed and I went to bed as early as possible.

Rosie120 · 26/02/2025 13:57

I'm sorry but just the first few lines p*ssed me off... My friend's just had a new baby and is getting too much sleep... She's my friend but I'm worried about her partner... They are two weeks in - it is WAY too early for you to have real concerns for her partner. Be a good friend and be pleased for her and supportive of her. She has plenty of time to be exhausted and run ragged by parenthood! Let them find their own way and also check your bias. Would you be feeling sorry and worried for your new mum friend on mumsnet if she was the one up all night feeding?!!

Onlycoffee · 26/02/2025 13:59

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

Could be an infection, did she have a C-section? Or breast infection.
Or possibly pnd.

You seem very judgemental rather than wanting to help the mother who is clearly unwell, either physically or mentally or both.

MotherOfShihTzus · 26/02/2025 14:00

You don't know what's been medically advised; I had an infection and traumatic birth, my milk struggled to come in. Had to combi-feed; midwife recommended husband step up with some feeds so that I could get the recovery needed to actually make enough milk as my body was in survival mode. I'd bet her birth was traumatic.

JimHalpertsWife · 26/02/2025 14:01

Why did your brother friend decide to have a child if he wasn't prepared for the lack of sleep a newborn would bring him?

Urghhhhhhh · 26/02/2025 14:02

Can only hope op isn't an actual friend as it's a case of 'with friends like these...'

throwaway25 · 26/02/2025 14:03

You must be the MIL.

Nevertheless sounds very unbalanced - nights should be shared.

100percenthagitude · 26/02/2025 14:04

Elizabeth2018 · 26/02/2025 10:55

She’s sleeping most of the day too, I’m just concerned that the little baby needs it’s mummy to cuddle

Your opening post said she was bed at 11pm and up at 9am and all refreshed @Elizabeth2018 but now you're saying that your friend is sleeping all day too.

If this is a genuine thing, then it feels that there may be a genuine issue that your friend and her partner need to explore.

As a mum to a 6 year old yourself, I'd expect you to come up with better potential solutions than what sounds like gossipy "this can't be normal, can it?" questions on a forum.

Smokesandeats · 26/02/2025 14:04

What support have you offered? Hopefully, you’re delivering meals or doing housework to help them out.

LadeedahYadaYada · 26/02/2025 14:04

well - it's nothing to do with you, so...

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