Not wanting husband at birth

[woodpeck]

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

Exactly and that’s how it should have been. It is really really common. Midwives handle it professionally and discretely and he’s acted with all the maturity of a character from Viz, honestly he should be embarrassed by his behaviour.

You should have no guilt about saying to him that his immaturity about the normal and natural child birth process means you don’t want him present this time.

Alternatively if you would like him present and don’t want to risk a repeat of his behaviour but are unsure if he’s capable of acting with maturity one option is to talk to your midwife about how he made you feel and ask about a glycerine suppository prior to delivery - they may not feel it’s an appropriate course of action but no harm asking.

I made mine promise to stay at the head end. Probably would have been none the wiser, like I wasn’t.

Could you have him there for the run up, but then him leave the room for the pushing stage? It's handy to have someone there who's only job is to hand you stuff you need etc, and I can appreciate that he would want to meet him child asap after birth.

I think you need to talk to him. If hes a really supportive husband, im wondering if its his sense of humour and doesnt actually realise its upset you.
Of course its your body and your right to have/not have whoever you want with you and its got to be 100% what makes you the most comfortable.
I just asked my husband his thoughts on your op and he said if that was me he would want to no why.
I do wonder if you cant communicate about this, what else do you or will you struggle with together in thd future?
With our first dd he laughs that i was very loud (vaginal with gas & air) When her head was crowning, i refused to push until he looked. Our 2nd dd (vaginal with epidural) he said i was too quiet! I have the 2nd on film. Each birth will be different and you just need to do whats right for you. Good luck!

I felt like I gave birth to my entire gut as well as the baby and definitely did plenty of poo OP and am absolutely not embarrassed it is totally normal. I personally rather be alone next time too as I just don’t feel like anyone can help me, all I did was shout at the top of my lungs and it just needs to be done. Maybe the first hour just until I settle in then he can go. Do what you feel best but do tell him how you feel.

What a dickish thing to keep bringing up! I’m sorry your husband is being like this, your body did a fucking amazing thing birthing a human and shit happens, literally! Bringing it up repeatedly is just beyond thoughtless and he must know you’d find it embarrassing to be reminded of it. You need support, not to be in labour hoping you don’t poop for fear of your husband making a big deal out of it.
I’d personally tell him exactly why you don’t want him there, anyone with a brain knows to be tactful and not mention something like this.
I remember a few weeks after my c-section, for whatever reason (probably sleep deprivation) I full-on wet the bed, I called my husband up to sort it out - he ran me a bath, stripped the bed and sorted the mattress out - and it was never mentioned again. I’d hate to be reminded of something that embarrassed me so, and I wish I could give you a hug. I’d not want someone so immature with me at such a vulnerable time.

He sounds very immature. The persistent 'gross' comments are very childish and totally thoughtless, unkind even.
It should be entirely your choice who is present at your labours.

Because I was anxious about this happening I gave myself a microlax enema about an hour before going to delivery suite. I’m not suggesting you do this for your husband (who I agree after his behaviour has been appallingly unsupportive and demeaning in his comments) but it might be a good idea for your own relaxation if you are concerned it would happen again. When the babies head is engaged there is only a little bit of remaining poo in the rectum that can get squeezed out. Chat to your midwife and ask there opinion. My Mum was a midwife and said this used to be done often.

I found with baby 2, having done an enema, just knowing I was all clear down there helped me push hard. With baby 3 I didn’t have time and it was a mild concern in the back of mind

I fail to comprehend why you are having a 2nd child with this guy. Dump him.

Why is he acting like a child. It's a normal part of birthing. Is it really that surprising?

I can see why he has made you uncomfortable. Labour is an experience where we are not entirely in control the people in the room with you should be supportive through that. I would not want to be worrying about my husband and what he was thinking during my labour.

I'd tell him you would be more comfortable alone. That's your choice and right.

This with bells on. ^^
It is utterly childish and ignorant of the human body to think that one can push out a baby without a bit of poo and other bodily fluids, coming out.

The fact that he thinks this is an entertaining anecdote - and he knows it is embarrassing is so utterly ignorant and pathetic and very unkind to you.

It does make me wonder how hands on he is about changing your first child's nappies, or clearing up sick. Most parents ( and pet owners, now I think about it) that I know become immune to poo and sick after a while.

I can't imagine anything more tense and stressful than having to push a baby out whilst worrying that you are going to be judged because of a bit of poo. You need someone to help you be as relaxed as possible.

Make arrangements to have your Mum there and tell him exactly why.

When l had my dc they gave enimas whilst in labour. I didnt do this in either labour presumably because nothing left to come out after spending best part of an hour on the loo feeling dreadful. After one labour l had diarrhoa and had an accident whilst trying get our of bed to go to the loo. It was horrendous felt so humiliated.
I'm presuming they've stopped this practice now and realised its the least problem

Your body, your choice. He has no right to be there. He sound like an immature twat. Ban him

The 'accident' was blamed on the enima still working.

He does sound immature but if you don't let him know it bothers you well maybe he thinks it's funny.
I'm sorry your having to make a decision on whether he should be there or not, if you feel he will be a comfort to you I'd suggest giving it a good think over it'd be a shame for him to miss out when it seems he wants to be there.
Obviously you definitely need to have the chat with him first about how he's made you feel and how close you are to considering not having him there etc.

Is it possible he's hoping to be told you don't want him to be there because he regrets seeing it the first time?

It's only in my lifetime that fathers have been welcomed or encouraged to be present at the birth. For most of history it's been a process for women only, then the gynaecology profession was invented and dominated by men, and then in came the husbands, fainting, getting in the way, making stupid comments about the husband stitch. And poop.

Tell him how upset you were by his reaction and that you would feel more comfortable, less anxious, less stressed (so better for the baby) if it were just you and your care team and maybe another woman.

You do need to tell him how he has made you feel. If he doesn't understand or tries to diminish your feelings, ask I'm this hypothetical question.

"How would you feel if I came with you to the doctor and they had to do a prostate exam on you. Then during the exam, when the doctor has his finger inside your bum, you got an erection without intending to. How would you feel if I kept mentioning that you must have found the doctor attractive and it was so gross seeing the poo on the doctors hand?"

He then might understand why you are upset, as both scenarios are similar in that your body is reacting to things outside of conscious control.

However he needs to know that he's hurt you and why. He isn't a mind reader and if he's usually very supportive, he might not be saying it with any intention to upset you. He might just be expressing his surprise because he was ignorant of what happens during birth.

Maybe this time he's going to be better prepared, especially if you sit down with him and tell him what you would like him to do and how he can be useful. Depending on how that goes, it will give you a better idea of how he's going to approach being a good birth partner or whether it's something he's not capable of doing without being an idiot.

Whatever you decide, you don't deserve to be made to carry the weight of the "shame" about what is a very normal part of birth. He needs to know what his words have done to you.

OP, I would also be embarrassed at the constant commentary. Do what feels most comfortable.

On the other hand, I feel that men also need to have an outlet for their birth experiences. I don't think the comments are meant to be hurtful but rather an observation and probably worded ignorantly.

I don't think he can discuss it with his mates (though I wouldn't be surprised if that happened) as it's so intimate so the only person left is the ir partner who goes through the same experience but from a more active perspective.

If he's generally a good and supportive husband, I would not take it to heart but explain that my preference would be for him to wait outside the delivery room.

Wishing you a nice birth 🥰.

The rational side of me tells me to tell you I both pooed and wee'd during labour- although I got no confirmation of the former as I was disinterested - too busy bringing my partners baby into the world to give a heck, and my partner (although usually childish) respected my wishes. Your husband doing research, to know what to expect, is the bare minimum after everything you're putting your body through.

The maleficent side of me says you should fill his food/drink with laxatives and hide his underwear before you go, see how he likes the vulnerability in a room full of strangers 🤣

Do what you know to be best Mama, good luck!

This! Also I vomited all over my DH and all he ever mentions is that I was a superhero and he can’t believe I went through that. No idea if I pooed or not. Can your DH stay with the children and your mum come with you? I still don’t think you should go it alone.

Just tell him you want it to be only you. Men are extremely insensitive and if he cannot let something go then don't have him there. You at at your strongest yet most vulnerable when giving birth. He can be waiting outside and allowed in when you say. He doesn't have a 'right' to be there.

It is HER body though. And her medical procdure.
No he hasn’t got the right to be there. If she tells medical staff she wants to do it alone they won’t let him in.

Sorry but you sound like a troll.. putting inflammatory comments here for no other reason than to get a bite.

Jeez, it's totally normal! What a child he is.

I knew I was going to poo when I had DC4. I kept trying to go before active labour, which was slightly annoying the midwife as I had monitoring straps on that they had to redo. Really felt like I needed to go an couldn't. Midwife said "of course dear, there's a babies head in the way. Don't worry, when the head shifts the poo will come". DH totally unfazed by this.

Tell your DH that he's your HUSBAND. A real husband supports his wife. And if a little bit of a poo makes him laugh, how will he support you if you have any issueaafter birth? DH had to help me shower after my c section and also was better at collecting colostrum than I was while I was still woozy. He did my injections too.

You need someone to tell you to communicate with the person you let impregnate you. Seriously, have the conversation.

DH you will not be attending the birth this time. The reason is I do not feel comfortable pooing again and you commenting on it repeatedly.

For some reason I’m embarrassed about the possibility of pooing during birth and later being (laughed at/mocked) for what is a natural part of life and childbirth.

i think it best you stay home with the baby.