Not wanting husband at birth

[woodpeck]

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

Just tell him you don’t want him there, you’d rather have another woman - the midwife / your sister / your BF / whoever.

Personally Id not tell him why, as he will just invalidate your feelings yet again. Just say it was too embarrassing without giving a specific reason.

Having the dad there is a very modern trend, it’s only been a thing very recently. For thousands of years women have laboured and given birth attended by other women.

Theres research to show that having someone there you are uncomfortable with can slow down or stop the progress of your labour . Which is bad for you and baby. So don’t be tempted to pander to him - this isn’t about him. It’s what is best for you.

It's astonishingly common ignorance from men. My (ex)friend once said to me with genuine bewilderment, 'I just don't understand it, why would women not think, "Oh, baby's on the way, better have a quick poo and save the embarrassment later."'

I didn't even know where to start tbh. But I did manage to pick my jaw up off the floor and berate him for his own low pain threshold and how he is prone to panic and flap in any minor crisis - pointing out that he was unlikely to have the forethought to even think about having a 'tactical poo' let alone shit on demand before labour really gets going.

And we're not friends anymore.

I’m a naturally a really private person (hate being naked!) and I was worried about being embarrassed during my births with my long term partner there. Tried my best to do things in the way I felt comfortable- nightie on, for example, no looking down the business end, and for some examinations he went out. But by the end of it I had my legs in stirrups being stitched / was slightly delirious / had a emergency team in at one point / lots of screaming etc so in definitely didn’t end the way it started but by then I really didn’t care.

If you don’t want him at the birth that’s totally up to you but I would prob want him outside the room or very nearby in case anything happens and he needs to be there for you or the baby

ps no idea if I pooped or not but my partner has the sense to know that if I’ve put my body through so much to birth his children there are some things that just aren’t funny to joke about…

I would say to him “you know most husbands are incredibly proud and amazed when their wife has pushed their child into the world, the fact you keep going on about some poo which is an incredibly common and natural part of birth is extremely pathetic and immature and is really putting me off having you at this next birth. If you want to be present I suggest you grow up and start acting like a supportive husband”

OP, firstly, this is completely your body, your birth and your decision. If having him there is going to make you anxious then speak to him about it.

pooing is very normal and as a midwife it’s something we get excited about. It means things are progressing and physical mechanics of birth mean it’s very likely to happen.

I would speak to your partner about your concerns then tell your midwife too. She can ensure he stays up top end and keep him in check. The amount of men I have to give firm reminders to actually support their partners and behave is outstanding.

He sounds very immature and needs to know he is stressing you out.

Good luck with your birth!

This is a totally normal thing to happen as I’m sure you know. I don’t know why your husband is fixating on this instead of the huge and wonderful achievement of birthing your child. Men, hey!

Tell him calmly since it was clearly so upsetting for him last time, he won’t be expected to attend again.

Have You had a serious discussion with him about this? As is “when you talk repeatedly about how gross it was, I feel belittled and adamant that you won’t be there to collect more incidents with the aim of humiliating me. So what if you found it gross? Who do you think actually cares- because I certainly don’t?”

You beat me to it, he’s a fucking twat, there’s no way anyone should be at a birth if that’s what the mother chooses. Mind you, not sure I’d have had sex with him ever again seeing as he thinks bodily functions are so distasteful.

I pooped nonstop for around 24 hours leading up to the birth of my first. I’m amazed I got off the loo long enough to get to hospital. Then I didn’t go again for a week.

DH has never mentioned it since. And why would he?

I'm a midwife and opening your bowels is totally normal and I would say 60% of women do so. It's the pressure of the head on the muscles and shows you're actively pushing perfectly!!

He's being an arse tbh, and I wouldn't want him there either.

Your need to have supportive and uncritical people with you during birthing outweighs your H's desire to be there.

Tell him that his presence at birth number 1 hindered rather than helped your progress, and you want to feel safe and supported during birth number 2, so he'll need to wait outside the room.

It's your choice to make, not his.

I warned my DH this was a very real possibility, which he knew anyway as DB is a paramedic and seen it all in his rotation on maternity!

We used to joke about having a little fishing net ready

It did bother me and I’d have been embarrassed but I got carted off for a C section in the end, as it happens.

He’d never have kept on about it and if he did that would be his last.

Id not let him in either OP, childish, disrespectful and pathetic

I poo’d during all of mine. I had no awareness at the time but DH still goes on - and mine are all adults now so this was not recent - about the one birth in which apparently the midwife didn’t immediately get rid of it as was done with all the others. Apparently they just left it there for ages. No reason, as there was no issue/emergency and seemingly neither the ob or midwife cared, and rather than the midwife swiftly removing and putting new pad sheet down it was just left until the end. I think DH was, and continues to be genuinely perplexed by it, and I can’t say I blame him and I don’t believe it’s a case of wanting me to feel bad, but honestly I think after over 20 years later I would have just filed it in ‘and we will never know’, but every now and again he ponders it🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.

If you want a DH horror story though ……. for one of mine, at one point during active delivery, for some reason (that I will never figure out) the OB, midwife and DH somehow made it to the other side of the room to indulge a lengthily discussion on a new golf club that had opened. Yep.
Me: ‘don’t mind me over here, I’m just having a baby’
Ob: chuckling ‘we can’t have the baby for you’
Cue midwife and DH having a good chuckle at this and carrying on their important conversation on the merits of said golf club.
Cue a (male) colleague/acquaintance (who is not an Ob) coming in saying ‘I heard you were in so thought I’d come see how you were getting on’ and then basically taking DH’s place while also occasionally joining in on the golf chat around acting as my DH. For all I know there may/may not have been poo during that period, but DH advises me it came earlier so I’m guessing probably not. Then he shouted over to Ob ‘X, looks like you are on’ and the others wandered back over, Ob gave a snip which may/may not have been better off done earlier while he was twittering about golf, and he finished watching the final delivery, which I guess was his right after his assistance🤣.

So, whenever DH brings up the ‘I just can’t believe that midwife left that poo’ story, I counter with ‘I can’t believe you all fucked off and basically left me with a collegial acquaintance to basically give birth’.

Wow, I'm sorry but your husband is an idiot. Why is it gross? Does he not poo himself? It's completely natural, especially during childbirth. I totally get not wanting him there, you're in your most vulnerable position and you don't need someone so immature and unsupportive there who's going to make you feel self conscious. It's 100% your decision so if you don't want him there tell him that, and tell him exactly why. Can your mum be your birth partner and your husband stays home with your other child?

What kind of a marriage do you have where a) your husband would be cruel enough to bring it up even once and b) you can't talk to him about how he made you feel?

Woman up and tell him that his comments were hurtful, embarrassing and immature and that for that reason you don't feel comfortable having him there while you're vulnerable again. If he's got any decency he should be ashamed.

I wonder if it has even occurred to this immature man that his role in the delivery room was to support his wife and advocate for her? Perhaps he thought he was there to be entertained by the sight of his child being born?

be honest with him, tell him why you don't want him there? i know lots of pregnant women are worried about the whole 'poop' issue when giving birth, but its as natural as giving birth.. sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't

if you are that bothered and he insists on. being there then make sure he remains at your head end at all times then he won't see anything he doesn't want too and you can feel a bit more relaxed.

personally i'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop going on about it

Jeez, tell him women used to be shaved and given a enema as standard for birth, but thankfully we in sociality and the medical profession realised that was demeaning and humiliating, and a little poo could be discretely dealt with and is less risk of infection and issues than all that shaving and sitting on bogs with induced diarrhoea clearing the bowels.

Tell him it’s not 1950 anymore, and he needs to familiarise himself with woman’s body. Until then he’s not informed enough to come into birth room with you as you are scared he’ll humiliate you again if he sees anything else he deems is not normal and a bit graphic.

As a father who's been at the births of two children with all of the attendant bodily functions, I'd say the your husband is a prize twat!

This
And now it’s even worse with hospitals wanting dads to stay in for night to act as nurse. They disturb the mums trying to sleep and are worse possible nurses in the majoirity

yep, there are a small minority of useful supportive dads at birth. Most are there as spectators or becuase they feel they have to be. They’re bored. Can’t deal with staying awake, and not every good at understanding their wives need. All this crap as being advocate. In most cases they don’t know what the hell their wife needs let alone advocate for it.

apologies to all those who had brilliant partners.

thankfully my second was an elective c- section so didn’t have to make decision whether I wanted his uselessness in the labour room. He came in for the spectacle of seeing me have the op and then did a useful job of caring for little one whilst I was in recovery phase.

Tell him you've decided you don't want him there because he makes stupid comments about shit which is common in labour. That you need someone to support you and not make you feel self conscious and it's not him.

He can't decide to be there if you don't want him to. You have the control over this.

Your body , your decision. He does not have a right to be there. You can invite him, or not.

You cannot clench in a poo and simultaneously push out a baby. He’s an idiot.

Send him a link to this thread if he asks why you don’t want him there!
Im fuming for your OP!
My MIL said to me you leave your dignity at the labour room door and collect it on the way out - he should never mention anything about it unless you bring it up.
Bloody men.

You could ask your midwife to speak to him about it. Take him to.one of your appointments. Almost treat it like a counselling session. A few stern words might do the trick and you might even get an apology.

I did a poo while giving birth. I know because the midwife said 'oops, let's just clean that up'. I talked about it afterwards with my husband and said I was embarrassed. He claimed he was unaware/didn't notice/no such thing happened. THIS is what a supportive husband does.