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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Not wanting husband at birth

210 replies

woodpeck · 31/07/2024 12:50

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

OP posts:
SuperSue77 · 04/08/2024 22:10

BubziOwl · 31/07/2024 14:57

I'm actually fairly sure I pood during my second birth, but my husband has the good sense to insist he most definitely noticed no such thing

I’m sure I did too as I remember smelling something and thinking “oh no, I’ve pooed myself” but it must have been dealt with very quickly by the medical team (there were loads of people in the room as I was giving birth to twins) and my husband hasn’t been able to confirm whether I did or not as he stayed head end.

tickabillia · 04/08/2024 22:11

YANBU

When I had asked for an epidural with my firstborn my STBXH smirked and said "I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it". Worst thing of all is that I had ALWAYS been vocally pro-pain relief in the runup, and had no issue with it so it's not like he was trying to contradict me on something I'd said previously (not that that would have been ok).

Poddledoddle · 04/08/2024 22:12

Why does he even want to be there if he thinks childbirth is so gross? He sounds pathetic. Next time he mentions it, tell him how proud you are of yourself that you had a natural birth and did something so amazing, that he can only ever dream of.

Onlinetherapist · 04/08/2024 22:15

@woodpeck you went through everything that women go through to push a whole human into the world, and all he can talk about is poo? Have you noticed how he made the whole experience about him and his feelings? What about you and your feelings OP? In what other ways does he humiliate and belittle you to the point where you can’t count on his support?

Tangled123 · 04/08/2024 22:20

If he hasn’t let the poo go, can you imagine what comments you’ll have to deal with if you don’t let him go to the birth?
I think he either doesn’t appreciate how annoying his comments are, or he doesn’t care. I would still let him come if it’s genuine ignorance, but not if you know he’s annoying you deliberately.

Barney16 · 04/08/2024 22:21

Tell him he's banned. If he asks why tell him he has a child to look after at home and that's his job. Much better division of effort.

AffableApple · 04/08/2024 22:27

HauntedbyMagpies · 31/07/2024 14:46

Spectator sport? This is his child not just OPs! Yes she's giving birth but he has a right to be there provided he's not causing an issue.

"I know he'll be thinking it" is not a satisfactory reason to ban him from the birth of his own child! He's said a few immature comments since^^ last time but he didn't actually do anything wrong.

Show quote history

Nope, the act of giving birth is about the mother and the baby. Naff all to do with the father. Anyone there (besides medical staff) is there by invitation of the birthgiver. He has the right to see ot when born, not as it's being born. Especially as if he's a proven stress-bringer he is potentially damaging that process and therefore the baby/the mother.

SavageTomato · 04/08/2024 22:29

If he can't handle piss shit and blood, he needs to stay out of the delivery room. What a dick he is. Mate, it's not about you, you fucking prick.

Zanatdy · 04/08/2024 22:36

I wouldn’t want him there either, why on Earth was there a need for him to mention it at all if you didn’t specifically ask? He’s like a child chatting about poo and sniggering in the playground. I’d tell him you don’t want him there and tell him exactly why. If he insists he will be there, tell him he isnt. The hospital won’t let anyone in the room that you don’t want there

Geran4 · 04/08/2024 22:39

TomatoSandwiches · 31/07/2024 14:51

This is her birthing period, he has no right to be present during her own medical event.
He has no right, none whatsoever, she isn't his fucking rent - a - womb, birth is not a spectator sport and he's likely to cause problems for her AND their baby if he is present as op will be anxious.

Men have no rights to be at anyones birth.

Show quote history

Absolutely 100% this.

Ger1atricMillennial · 04/08/2024 22:40

I mean if he keeps mentioning the poo, then it obviously "traumatised" him too much and it would be better at home.

Its your birth, your rules. If he can't deal with that, then that's the last thing you need. If he bitches and moans to his friends/family they will completely put him straight.

Time to put your big girl pants on and advocate for yourself OP.

Catpuss66 · 04/08/2024 22:41

Think he might be a bit traumatised & making a joke of it. Men can be immature when under pressure, but you need to speak to him about how it is making you feel when he mentions it. You might find for both of you that having a second baby puts Lot of things into perspective & brings you both closer, but unless you tell him, how is he to know?

light hearted bit of info, was delivering this African lady & she had a poo that was so big I had to carry it with 2 hands to the bin. I had never seen one that big presumed she had a high fibre diet.

hope you have a lovely delivery.

ReggaetonLente · 04/08/2024 22:45

PuttingDownRoots · 31/07/2024 13:05

Do what makes you comfortable, not what society says you shpuld have. Birth shouldn't be a spectator sport.

You will hear some guff about how its his baby, important for bonding etc... DH missed DD2s birth. He didn't actually meet her until she was 2 weeks old. They are extremely close.

Yep, mine wasn’t at my second birth and didn’t meet his daughter for a week. Absolutely zero repercussions!

fitnessmummy · 04/08/2024 22:47

He's your husband, talk to him about this. It's not fair to not explain what he's done but then take the experience away from him. I think that's quite sad, my husband would be devastated if he missed the birth of our children.

PermanentTemporary · 04/08/2024 22:48

My dh behaved perfectly during and after the birth but I still wish he hadn't been there. I felt constrained and the midwife thought he was so supportive that she didn't talk to me, when I desperately needed to know what ws going on.

Put it positively. 'I think I'm going to do it just with the midwife this time. Where will you be - do you want to stay at home with dc1 or do you want to wait at the hospital?'

Drizzlethru · 04/08/2024 22:50

He has no choice, the hospital will not allow him to attend if you tell them.

instead tell him due to him belittling you he has lost the right to attend.

some people lose lots of blood, are very ill, in high dependency units. Birth is unpredictable and involves lots of bodily functions normally not seen. If his only focus is on the baby pushing on your bowel as you gave birth ….!!!!

Paulafbrown · 04/08/2024 22:50

The worry would be your desire to hold in poo would affect your going to town on pushing the baby out...

madamovaries · 04/08/2024 22:50

I am really sorry that he has ever brought this up frankly. I think it's cruel.

I was really scared of it happening before I had my first baby. In the end, so much else went wrong with the delivery that it would have been the least of my worries if I had! you did an amazing thing. He should be proud of you.

i wouldn't have him them either because he seems immature and too squeamish to cope with the realities of human bodies and labour.

Solitaire123 · 04/08/2024 22:53

I think it's insensitive of him to constantly remind you of it and how he thinks it's gross, so can understand why you wouldn't want him there. Can you tell him that's the reason?
I had a 'good clear out' (in the words of the midwife) when having my 3rd. I was embarrassed, it hadn't happened with the first 2 so I'd not expected it at all. Husband has never once mentioned it, so I don't know if he found it gross or not, but think it would be upsetting to have someone constantly reminding me.
If it's going to make you feel uncomfortable having him there, then I would tell him you don't want him there and the reason why.

Mirabai · 04/08/2024 22:59

but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.

So you confirm that he will not be.

Tell him he was so immature about it last time, he’s binned.

Lurkingonmn · 04/08/2024 23:08

I gag at poo. I am not good with pus, blood all that stuff. I was my sister's birthing partner, I know, right? She was in agony, saying she felt like she was going to poo. You know what I did? Told her it doesn't matter do whatever you need you are birthing a human. You are incredible. Have I ever mentioned it in the 25 years years since? No.
How dare he. If he cannot be supportive, he shouldn't be there. Remind him that he let you down when you were most vulnerable and he's mentioned it since. He's been a dickhead. He does not get to assume he can be there this time.

Illegally18 · 04/08/2024 23:14

woodpeck · 31/07/2024 12:50

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

I can hardly believe that your husband would bring this up. The immaturity of him!

MellersSmellers · 04/08/2024 23:18

He was very insensitive to have ever mentioned that!
I kind of think that you shouldn't take away his experience of being at the birth of his child, but I would definitely suggest he stays away from "the business end"! Can't he just support you emotionally by standing at the head of the bed, ready to hold little'un on arrival? My husband would have liked to have been spared the sight of all the blood when I was cut....

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/08/2024 23:20

AffableApple · 04/08/2024 22:27

Nope, the act of giving birth is about the mother and the baby. Naff all to do with the father. Anyone there (besides medical staff) is there by invitation of the birthgiver. He has the right to see ot when born, not as it's being born. Especially as if he's a proven stress-bringer he is potentially damaging that process and therefore the baby/the mother.

Show quote history

This is his child not just OPs! Yes she's giving birth but he has a right to be there provided he's not causing an issue.

What a load of nonsense. He has no right to be there. I didn't want my husband there. I didn't want anyone except the medical staff. I hated, hated, hated the way that throughout my pregnancy the midwives just assumed he'd be there. As it happened it was an elective c- section and I was ok with that. If I'd had to go through labour I wouldn't have had him there.

Donotneedit · 04/08/2024 23:20

its got to be about you feeling safe and as relaxed as possible. that’s best for you and the baby, it’s the safest thing. Even if you felt embarrassed without this having happened it would be the same.

It’s not remotely surprising it’s made you feel anxious , it’s dreadful he has gone on about it, and I’d honestly like to smack him for it but this isn’t about punishing him, it’s about safety and you having a good experience.

Yes, he might be sad about it, but that’s no worse than you feeling uncomfortable and ashamed. he may feel it impacts his bond with the baby but then if you have a bad experience that will also a risk for you, as is PMD. These things could go either way, neither arguement tips the balance in his favour and I feel angry on your behalf that you are being burdened with his feelings about it when the impacts on you could easily be just as great or worse

The idea of him being nearby and even coming in and out of the room sounds like it could be worth considering to me just because it gives you the wiggle room to have what you need in the moment, obviously only if you want that. I really hope for your sake he can take on board the impact this has had and be respectful of how you feel. Given his behaviour so far I’m wondering if it’s possible to have a conversation about it with a medical professional present to back you up..