Not wanting husband at birth

[woodpeck]

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

This is it OP. He ruined it for himself. If you feel more comfortable going through this on your own then I don't blame you. Tell him he's not coming to the birth as he has made you feel anxious in the past, and you need to be able to spend this precious time helping your baby into the world and not wondering what his immature arse is thinking.
Good luck with the birth xxx

Some of the replies on here are just awful and hateful, it's normal to feel anxious please don't worry about something that is natural, why dont you sit down have a word with your husband ask him to stop but I wouldn't ever exclude a dad from a birth if he wants to be there it must be very important to him, everything will be okay :) good luck with your birth x

childbirth is difficult enough without also having to manage anxiety about how someone else will manage it! If you think having him there will just stress you out then tell him so! It’s your choice.

This. I'm actually livid on your behalf, OP. How immature and ignorant of your partner. And how dare he tar what should be one of your proudest, if not THE proudest achievement of your life with a twatty comment about poo. You're a fucking warrior for birthing a child. Tell him that and if it was me, I'd be warning him I'd be shitting on his pillow while he slept if he ever brought it up again. Prick.

Next thing he'll be making some pathetic comment about breastfeeding. Urgh, I don't often dislike people I've never met.

Just be direct with him. " you keep commenting on me pooing in labour, and its upset me, because it's incredibly normal , but you've made me self conscious about it. I'll have my mum as a birthing partner. I need you to look after our little one, so he/she will need you more than I will. "
Theres no point in being subtle. He's been very direct in his offering. Just matter of fact. Equally he needs to know the reason why.

It’s a perfectly natural & normal thing to happen.

What is not normal is your DH mentioning it, and mentioning it repeatedly especially if he knows it is embarrassing to you.

If you don’t feel comfortable with him being there while you give birth I’d say he is NOT really that supportive.

Tell him you don’t want him there & tell him it’s because he’s undermining you.

Have you actually told him how upset you were by it and that him bringing it up just makes you feel even worse? Many women do it during childbirth, so it is completely natural for it to happen. What was he like besides that? Was he helping you through it or getting in the way? If he is as supportive as you say I bet he would be mortified that you were so upset to the point you don't want him with you for such a special moment as seeing your 2nd child coming into the world.

Tell him that his poo jokes aren’t funny and making you anxious. I pooed in the birthing pool as had a hospital water birth. Husband saw 😂

tell him now that you would like your mum as birthing partner so you aren’t having a debate on the way to labour ward.

however it is his kid too and he won’t get those first precious moments again so is there someone else to look after your kid and he can wait outside.

you never know what will happen at the hospital and having lost babies myself I know I would want my husband close by

Do it alone. I did and loved it.

Lighten up! My husband said the birthing suite was like a farmyard! We both laughed and moved on. It’s normal.

op I can understand that it can be hard to broach this with your husband but you know what you have 2 children with this man and you should be able to have a frank conversation with him. Do it you will feel much better

His comments and the fact he’s repeated them several times would make most women feel undignified. You were literally bringing life into this world and he’s focussing on a bit of poop (very natural, very normal, even a good sign baby is nearly here!).

I would just tell him why you don’t want him there as you need to be in the moment and not self conscious. Childbirth in the abstract is a beautiful thing but it is very… real. He’s not acted like an adult so he can stay at home and wait for a call.

If he’s completely contrite and endeavours to make it up to you then i guess you can consider (if you want to).

He is a complete tosser for saying such things but could you have him at the head end? My DH is very squeamish, not necessarily about poo but he really doesn’t like blood or anything medical and he stayed firmly next to my head and shoulders and mainly looked at me the whole time, not my bottom half. Although he still did find the whole thing quite traumatic as things did go a bit wrong, button pressed and a team swarmed in.

At the end of the day you need to do what’s right for you. It’s your birth, not his.

Honestly what an absolute idiot. I pooed during my second labour, it was a bit mortifying but the midwife very efficiently and quickly cleaned everything up. My husband said nothing about it, during or afterwards. When I mentioned it afterwards, saying how embarrassing it was, he told me not to worry about it, saying "shit happens", which cracked me up.
Tell your husband how uncomfortable it is making you feel. That should bother him. If he can't empathise, keep him out of the labour room. And best of luck!

Actually, when my contractions started and seemed to be going on forever without speeding up, I called my midwife (was supposed to be having a home birth) and she told me to have a hot bath and try and have a poo to speed things up.

No idea if that’s still advice used as it was quite a while ago.

I have to say I poo'd when I had my first baby. I warned everyone in the room who said it wasn't going to happen and then it did and they wiped it up. My. DH has never mentioned it since. But I have mentioned it and my two teens know all about it. I am not remotely embarrassed. If he can't handle it he should not be in the room.

I only wish I hadn't had my ex-husband there, he was both useless and actively annoying. He told me during my daughters birth- which was quick and without pain relief - that my yelling would frighten the other women, I needed to pipe down. I focused entirely on the midwife and tried to pretend he wasn't there. If we had had a third, I would have insisted on him not being there. Or got him to agree to being kneed in the balls every time I got a contraction, my sister would have been well up for that 😁.

I certainly pooed during my home water birth. DH got it out of the water with the sieve provided in a very responsible way! I certainly didn’t feel bad about it. Op your H owes you a big apology.

He should go watch cows, sheep etc give birth. A bit of poop? It’s much worse than that.
We are all mammals. It’s perfectly natural ..a design fault perhaps to put the sewers next to the play park but it’s what we are stuck with. If he can’t accept the proximity, the pressure and therefore almost inevitability of it, he shouldn’t be there. There’s nothing romantic or nice about the birthing process. Mine was at home or with his parents having dinner for all my 3 and he wouldn’t think twice about poop, but it’s not a spectator sport. Be there, don’t comment. As Thumper said “ if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nuffin’ at all”

Often the nurses give an enema beforehand…one it brings on contractions if late, it also cleans out the pipes before the pressure does. You could find some online literature on the process. I read some recently that referred to the poop aspect, so he reads it’s normal

If you don't want him there, tell him to stay away. He has no rights here, as his desire to see his child born does not trump your right to go through this deeply personal experience with privacy and dignity. I'd say that if he was an exemplar of appropriate conduct, but given he has actually disrespected and shamed you, and compromised your dignity, I think its worth saying it twice. Tell him to stay away. No discussion.

There should only be you, your future child and medical professionals in the room. Third parties get in the way, think of the medical professionals, would anyone, in any job like a third party to be in the way? Tripping them over? Meddling? I am surprised medical professionals do not throw third parties down the stairs of a maternity ward. I would be tempted.

My dh was an 8 hour flight away when dd1 was born. He didn’t meet her for another week. He was with me for dd2, except for being sent out at the last minute because of a forceps delivery, but he held her even before I did.
His relationship with both dds has been exactly the same, always very close.

OP, I’d just tell your dh - again if necessary - why you don’t want him there for the actual birth. TBH it’s his own fault for being so insensitive before. Could he perhaps be there except for then final stage?

Jeeze, my husband can be a bit of an arsehole sometimes, but even he doesn’t go there.

For what it’s worth, I definitely pood first time (I’d been telling the midwife’s for ages that I needed to go to the toilet and they kept saying no, it was the pressure of baby and wouldn’t let me go as I was on constant monitoring, so it was pretty inevitable that I did 🤦‍♀️), but second time round there was nothing thankfully. Point being that it’s not a given even if it has happened in a previous labour.

I do think it’s a bit unfair to expect your husband to stay at home while his child is being born. Even if you don’t want him in the delivery room during labour, he should be able to see his new baby straight away, it’s not right that he would have to wait for someone to come and look after your son before he can even travel to the hospital. Or even if he brings your son with him, he’s still going to miss the new baby’s first moments. While I totally agree that his comments are a dick move, I think having him at the hospital waiting till baby is born so he can come straight in would be a reasonable compromise.

Birthing a child is not a not a spectator sport for the viewing pleasure of the father. The point of him being there is as a birthing partner, to support and reassure the mother. The fact he gets to see his child born is a pleasant side benefit of the role. It always amazes me when men think they're there for their own benefit, never mind when women make the same error. The guy is unsuited to the role so shouldn't be there.

I really hope you take charge of this and tell him to stay home with your other child. Xx