Not wanting husband at birth

[woodpeck]

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

Both of you need to stop being immature

He needs to stop making ridiculous comments about last time it's actually pathetic

And you need to voice your feelings tell him point blank that there's to be no more jokes about last time and if he can't do that then he doesn't need to be there this time.

Can't believe he may miss the birth of his child over poo.

Honestly don't be embarrassed. Your DH should for his comments. My baby got stuck. I pushed so hard I pooped twice over the course of the hour. He wasn't shifting, and was what told them there was something wrong because he should have been because I was pushing right. I didn't even know I'd done it, midwife removed and cleaned quickly. My DH didn't mention it at all, hasn't since.

I had my first child without my husband there and it was fine. I didn't have anyone apart from midwives. He was at the birth of my second child and to be honest I'd rather have been on my own again. I think there is a lot of pressure on couples now for them both to be present at the birth and I don't think it's necessary.

It's odd he didn't read anything about the birthing process, if he had he would've known how normal it is.
I wouldn't want him there either, stress can cause things to go wrong during childbirth. Don't let him ruin it for you.

Birthing partners are there to support you to have the baby, it's nothing to do with meeting the baby first like most men seem to think. That's why if you have an emergency cesarean they're asked to leave because they're not needed any more. If he's not supportive, have someone else.

OP isn’t being immature. She is being responsible and mature, seeking to ensure the safest possible birth for her baby by working out what she is psychologically most comfortable with. It’s really understandable that she felt exposed/embarrassed/humiliated by his going on about the poo, whether or not she wants to have it out with him now.

A man has no right to witness his child’s birth. He may have the honour of supporting his partner, should she choose him as the best available person to do so. He may not, and can meet his baby soon after the birth, for any reason or none.

OMG. I wouldn't have wanted him present at the conception, let alone the birth.

Bloody idiot..I expect he'd shit himself whilst passing something the size of a bowling ball. My first husband announced to his mates and their wives prior to any of them giving birth, in the pub, that I looked like an Irish navvy pushing my 8lb child out.. I wasn't over impressed with that comment either. Men can be complete tossers.

Birth partners are there for the MOTHER, their entire purpose is to be her support person and help make the event as comfortable and non-traumatic as possible (and birth is a significant life event for a woman that can have long-term effects mentally!) They are NOT there for their own benefit, to ‘watch’ the birth take place. Nobody has any kind of ‘right’ that ensures they must be there viewing a woman at such an intimate and vulnerable timeS That’s such a grim thought. How comfortable a woman feels can even have a physical effect on how the birth plays out, it’s not to be overlooked.

OP I can totally understand why you may not feel comfortable with him being there. You trusted and allowed him to be present for such a monumental moment in your life and he let you down.

Excellent 👌🏻

She is not being immature, she is allowed to have feelings about her own body, labour and birth , even if you don’t approve of them. As you can see from this thread, most other women would feel the same.

She has already told him how she feels, many times, and he has ignored her. He has dismissed her feelings , just as you have done.

Labour and childbirth are not spectators sports for the entertainment of men.

Oh and BTW, calling people names such as “ immature” ( especially over such a private and personal thing ) is unkind. It’s also very unlikely to make people agree with you.

And don’t pride yourself that you have “ diferent ideas “. You have the same view as about half the country , that women are service animals who exist for men’s convenience. Your ideas are depressingly commonplace.

I meant she's being immature by not having a serious conversation about it as she stated. That's what I meant not that her feelings are immature 🤦🏽‍♀️

@1VY
@Kirstyshine

You need to be completely relaxed going into the birth so yes I would absolutely tell him he's not to be present.

I ended up with a very traumatic second birth where my whole body tensed up and I struggled to get DC out. I very nearly lost him. I cannot express enough how important it is that you feel completely relaxed and safe in a non judgemental environment.

He doesn't deserve to be there after behaving like that.

This is perfect

I disagree. I think it’s totally understandable that she may not feel able for this conversation: she has hurt feelings and he is insensitive.

He sounds vile. And childish.

I didn’t poo in labour (so there’s a chance it won’t happen to you next time) but suffered plenty of other indignities. If my other half decided to remind me of them, or mock me in any way, I think I’d really struggle to stay with him. It’s the cruelty of making light of you when you were in such a vulnerable state. You would absolutely be within your rights to not have them there at the next birth, making you self conscious and inhibited.

@Kirstyshine
You are entitled to disagree as am I

Noone has a right to be there. Noone.

It's so depressing that this still has to be said in 2024.

I agree, so many men still think they own women and have rights over their bodies.

“ I own her so she has no right to privacy, no right to refuse sex when I want it, no right to medical care without my being present “ etc

Didn't have DH at either of mine and he hasn't made any ridiculous comments like that.

I just wanted to be by myself.

I was made to feel like this was very unusual though, and midwives kept asking if I was sure I didn't want him to come in (he was out in the waiting area).

So stick to your guns, say you want to be alone, but to be prepared for people to keep challenging you on it.

"he confirmed he would be there as he was last time"

Who does he think he is?! This situation is entirely about YOU, what's best for you and what will help your experience. The idea is to have someone who will support you and help you, it's not a spectator sport, especially not for someone who makes you feel embarrassed about a perfectly natural experience.

How immature is he?! I think it has happened to most of the mums on here! My
partner has never mentioned it once. Next time he says that, maybe treat him like I do my very young children and remind him it wasn’t funny the first time and has certainly got less funny after repeating it. Also remind him that little boys find poo jokes funny!!

And you decided to have ANOTHER BABY with someone so cretin to mock you about the most vulnerable moment of your existence? Nice one

When u give birth your wirking your pelvic floor. Its very natural to poop. Not your fault its literally your muscles. No one can ever control it because u are qorking your muscle thats connected to your anal sphicter. Sounds like he needs education and dont forget your are a badass

I think you should tell him you dont want him there. You shouldnt be worrying about it, childbirth is enough to go through without worrying how your body will behave, when you have no real control. What a stupid man how childish he sounds.