Not wanting husband at birth

[woodpeck]

I am due to give birth in a couple of weeks and my husband is assuming he'll be at the birth.
I had a natural birth last time and intend to have the same (if all goes well)
I feel quite embarrassed about my husband being there and would rather face this on my own and just get through it.
One of the things that makes me feel this way is that he constantly reminds me of how last time some poor came out and it was really gross.
He's made references to that a few times since and I don't know if I can feel comfortable knowing it might happen again and he won't let it go.

I also have to get my mum to come and be with our little one so he could just have him instead.

I haven't had a serious conversation with him about it yet but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.
If I told him the truth that it was embarrassing he commented then he probably wouldn't mention it but I'd know he was thinking it.
I don't know if it's just hormones because he's a very supportive husband but I don't think I feel comfortable him seeing me in that situation again or am I just being anxious.

This isn't a right for another person to be in with a woman giving birth - regardless of the relationship. This is about the female and not the unborn child. The medical note etc will all be concerning the mother as the patient up until the point of birth - that is when of course the baby becomes a patient and not before.

The mother giving birth isn't a spectacle and its important they feel comfortable to safe to give birth.

Id have a few strong word with my dh and tell him not to be so fucking immature and incentive but others have different feelings and are allowed to say who and who can't be there - that included the other parent to be.

Tell him why. He's absolutely pathetic.

@HauntedbyMagpies I hope you are being goady and don't genuinely hold those views. Just in case though, OP's H has no right whatsoever to be at the birth legally or morally. It is not a 'nice' thing for him or a 'chance to bond' it is something that OP will be going through, that she would have liked the support of her DH through.

He has shown that he is not a support and has attempted to humiliate OP over it ever since.

But that’s not what you said. You said he has a right to be there, and he doesn’t.

A birthing mother needs to feel relaxed for the best possible outcome for her and the baby. That’s what matters. Stress can lengthen labour, to the extent it can risk the health of the woman and her newborn. Absolutely no pressure should be put on a mother to have her partner present at the birth. It isn’t about him. All dad-bonding issues can be addressed afterwards and aren’t as essential as the mother having her wishes and rights respected so that she can birth as safely as possible.

Why is it that some people (often men, though not always) think that women can go through something as physically challenging as childbirth while still maintaining perfect bowel and bladder control?

Can't they see how illogical that is? Childbirth exerts huge pressure on the whole pelvic floor, including bowel and bladder. A poo during labour should be a total non-event. It happens. The end.

Tell him that as he has seen fit to regularly humiliate and demean you because a bit of poo escaped under huge physical pressure (perfectly natural, happens to many of us) you don't want him at the birth and will be telling the medical staff so.

He has absolutely no "right" at all to be in the delivery room with you if you don't want him there. He has forfeit any of that through his horrendous insensitivity.

Wow, he's a prize.

My dp missed the birth of our second as he was at home with our first where I wanted him (in hindsight I would have found him annoying trying to take care of me). It was my first natural birth and just me and midwives. I told him I'm pretty sure I pooped (midwife was subtly changing the pad under me in those last few minutes) and he said, doesn't everyone? Never mentioned it again. He also didn't meet dd until the next day and he had no problems bonding.

Tell him he’s not welcome cause of how he made you feel. My immature ex was slapping his chest & heaving as I was pushing our daughter out.

Advocate for what YOU want. Tell him you’ll be more relaxed with your mum there. He can have the important job of looking after your child.

Just laugh about it, it's what commonly happens in childbirth.

Don’t be ridiculous - it’s the OPs body and her medical event. She has every right to decide who is there and who isn’t. “He didn’t actually do anything wrong” — he’s made his partner feel anxious and humiliated when he should have been supporting her and championing her? Of course he’s actually done something wrong.

when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.

It's not his decision. Do let him know that. Is he always this controlling?

but when I briefly mentioned how I might not want him there, he confirmed he would be there as he was last time.

He’s a horrible immature twat. Honestly, what a cunt. Unfortunately for him, he is a total non-entity during this. It’s about you and your baby. He gets precisely no say. If you don’t want him there, he’s not allowed to be there. That’s the end of it.

@HauntedbyMagpies

he has a right to be there.

No. He does not. Why do you think he does?

He has no right at all. Shooting his load nine months ago counts for fuck all during birth.

Something tells me op's husband doesn't change his kids' nappies either.

I'm so sorry op that your husband is so insensitive. I hope he realises how awful he's being for your sake as you're having another child with him.

Show him this thread...?

You're the one being ridiculous. As should be glaringly obvious, after her first birth is before her second birth. Why should she want somebody she now realizes has the emotional maturity of an 11y old boy present in the delivery room?

When I read the title I thought of course he should be there, but actually he sounds absolutely horrible and I think you’re completely valid in not wanting him there. Tbh I’m slightly astonished you’ve managed to get pregnant again because I’d have been going nowhere near him after those nasty comments.

It'll BE his child once it's actually there, and he'll have a "right" to see it then. Until then, it's up to the birthing woman to decide whom she wants in with her. Otherwise a father who'd broken up with the mother to be or whose only connection with her was a ONS would also be entitled to be in the delivery room, which is obviously nonsense.

Are you a man? Because the entitlement sure sounds like it.

When I had my first, it was a long haul and DH just got on my nerves constantly asking how much longer, he was hungry, tired etc. So with our 2nd, I told him to go home to bed and the midwife rang him about 15 minutes before I delivered. I was far more calm and relaxed, and made for a much easier birth process.

DD is a student midwife and has met some absolute horrors in the last 12 months... I'm quite amazed you've even let him near you for sex, OP, let alone give birth again with him there. I would tell him he's not welcome until he can show the necessary level of maturity.

I was ready to say it would be mean to exclude him from the birth of his child, but he’s proved that he cannot cope with childbirth in a mature and respectful way, so fuck him. He gets to wait outside.

He was lucky to ever be allowed near you again after being such a disrespectful prick.

French obstetrician Michel Odent said men can add stress in the delivery room. In your case it seems very clear that he would do just that.

It's your birth, your choice.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/18/men-birth-labour-baby

Hey OP, your husband sounds like an unbearable clown.

Do what makes you feel most comfortable because any tension, anxiety or stress you experience during labour and birth will not be good for you or the baby. You should be discussing that it really upsets you with him to give him the opportunity to understand and still be there, or simple to advise he will not be there and you’ll be making sure that your birth plan reflects that.

I hope everything goes well.

His job is to be there to support you, and if he isn't then he can't come.