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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
Notmineagain · 11/07/2023 23:10

Sorry but I'm with him.

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/07/2023 23:12

Notmineagain · 11/07/2023 23:10

Sorry but I'm with him.

Same.

loopyloutoo · 11/07/2023 23:14

I find it really rather odd why one would have anyone other than the father of the child if you are in a relationship with them. I understand if you are not together/maybe a teenager or very young mum etc but aside from that I can't imagine a scenario where I would choose this - and I am close to my mum!

PresentingPercy · 11/07/2023 23:15

It is not your sister’s baby. You are squeezing your husband out and you need him to bond with the baby. Your sister does not have the same role. Your husband comes first in this. Even if he might be useless! It is his baby too,

Secondwindplease · 11/07/2023 23:16

Your husband asked you if he wanted your sister because he realised it was important to you, and then he left you the space to decide. He doesn’t owe you his enthusiasm just so the decision is easier.

SunRainStorm · 11/07/2023 23:17

It's your birth, I don't see why he gets a say at all.

Do what you want and tell DH to suck it up.

CrystalTits · 11/07/2023 23:17

Unless your sister was also there at the conception then I agree with him that the birth of your baby should be an experience just for you and your husband.

AndTheSurveySays · 11/07/2023 23:18

I think you should do what will make YOU feel most comfortable and secure when in labour.

You are the one pushing out a baby, you are the one risking your life (small risk but women do still die in childbirth in the UK).

You are the most important person in this scenario.

toomuchlaundry · 11/07/2023 23:19

What do you think your sister will add? I was just in a zone with DH when I gave birth to DS. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there. Also went into hospital at 3am, not sure anyone else would have wanted to be there at that time!

Mortimermay · 11/07/2023 23:19

I agree with the pp, I think your husband asked if you wanted your sister there because he knew you did and he was trying to understand where you were at with the decision and get his head round it.
I agree with previous posters that he doesn't have to be enthusiastic about this decision. Yes you are the one giving birth but this is his moment too and there is no denying that having someone else in there who you are close to is going to lessen that experience between the two of you. I don't blame him for being upset. Is there a reason you've chosen this this time when he was the only partner with your first child?

Hbh17 · 11/07/2023 23:20

He's right. It's his baby too, and bizarre that anyone else (except medical staff) should be there.

Namechange202323 · 11/07/2023 23:21

I agree with your DH. I think it’s okay for him to want it to be jus the two of you and medical professionals.

I would never contemplate having anyone other than DH.

Elsiebear90 · 11/07/2023 23:23

I’m with him tbh, I wouldn’t want anyone else there except my wife and if she was giving birth I would be disappointed if she wanted an additional person there.

Namechange202323 · 11/07/2023 23:23

Your sister could still be super helpful - by having your DC when you are in labour.

WhamBamThankU · 11/07/2023 23:23

I agree with your DH. It's a special, intimate experience and I don't agree with anyone other than the dad being there if you're still together.

UsingChangeofName · 11/07/2023 23:23

loopyloutoo · 11/07/2023 23:14

I find it really rather odd why one would have anyone other than the father of the child if you are in a relationship with them. I understand if you are not together/maybe a teenager or very young mum etc but aside from that I can't imagine a scenario where I would choose this - and I am close to my mum!

This.

I find it really odd. It is a really personal, emotional thing between the parents of the baby being born.

Fair play to your dh, for acknowledging that it is ultimately your decision, but he doesn't have to be thrilled about it. He sees it as quite intrusive (which I agree with), but is still acknowledging that it is your call.

LoveBluey · 11/07/2023 23:24

Really quite surprised by the answers.

You need to feel comfortable and supported by your birthing partner(s). It has nothing to do with who was at the conception but rather who will best support you during the birth experience.

Incidentally I only had and wanted my husband with me but if I had wanted anyone else I would have expected him to not only agree but support that decision.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2023 23:26

How was he last time? You didn’t have your sister or mum there so why do you want to this time? Who’s having your older one while you’re giving birth?

I’m incredibly close to my sister and mum but wouldn’t have wanted anyone but my husband with me, both times.

If this wasn’t an issue the first time then what’s changed? It sounds like you don’t feel he was the support you needed if you feel you want an extra person there this time?

The general communication between the two of you sounds very poor at the moment, which must be difficult. Hope things improve.

Wishitsnows · 11/07/2023 23:27

You have whoever you feel comfortable with there. Bit worrying he is making it about him. Don’t forget if he is useless boot him out as he has no right to be there. Yes, it’s his baby but it’s your medical procedure. Hope he starts to think about your feelings.

Blossomtoes · 11/07/2023 23:27

Do what you want. When he undergoes pregnancy, labour and birth he gets to choose. Until then it’s your call.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2023 23:28

Incidentally I only had and wanted my husband with me but if I had wanted anyone else I would have expected him to not only agree but support that decision.

That’s very unreasonable. Agree is one thing but actively support it if he wasn’t really happy about it? Not a fair expectation.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/07/2023 23:30

At the end of the day it's up to you but I always think it is a special moment for you and your husband becoming a family. Your sister there is a third wheel

purplediscolove · 11/07/2023 23:31

I mean the choice was taken from me because of covid but I’m more than happy that it was just me and my daughters dad. He was all and more that I needed and did a great job on his own. I only wanted my mum there because it was her 4th grandchild and the only birth she missed was my daughters but again I also had to take note of what he would’ve wanted if I had a choice, she did ask for it to be her. We also found out the gender on our own and did a gender reveal 3 days later and nobody knew we already knew! But I did that because he’s old school he isn’t into all this balloon popping “nonsense” but I was so he did that for me while I did things for him. You’ve got to find a middle ground for you both.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/07/2023 23:32

It's your labour, your birth, your body. You choose, not him.

LtMoose · 11/07/2023 23:33

Essentially it's not about him, it's about you, and whatever would make you feel safe and secure during the birth. If my sister had made it in time, she was planning to come to my second birth, I don't think I even asked my husband opinion, just let him know.