I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

[Asher09]

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

Is he giving birth? No, I thought not, don’t be so bloody ridiculous 🙄
Have who will support you most OP, your choice only, he doesn’t get a say. Wishing you all the best

@WandaWonder blimey sounds like you have some issues you need to work through

I much prefer having women around me when I give birth thany lovely DH..for DS2 I sent him to bed (,home birth) as he was just annoying me by being slightly bored. Was great with the midwife, TV and dogs 😁. He came down for the pushing bit.

Midwife here.

if you want your sister and would be more comfortable with her there, have her there. If he is no support and won’t advocate for you, have your sister there. Not everyone is great support in labour and you don’t have to have him as your only birth partner just to assuage his feelings.

You do you, when the time comes it won’t even be a big thing like it is now.

Just be mindful of the type of person your sister is though…. Is she the type to come in and take over?

Was he useless las tme and youre worried? if not then why did you nor have her last time bvut insist on it this time

Your sister has no business being there.

I had my cousin and DH. DH was not much use at all whereas cousin was fab ( she’s on here too) . Supported both DH and I. Do what’s right for you.

I never really understood why women needed to bring their mothers/sisters along when they had a Dh until I gave birth myself. My Dh was brilliant, he listened to me, had the birth plan infront but kept checking if I was okay or had changed my mind about something, he was helping me hypno birth without even realising as neither of us knew about it then, but even then I felt I needed something more and would have loved to have had a close female relative but wasn’t possible. My Dh would not have had a problem with it because he’s not selfish. Oh yeah and he’s very hands on, even with the second who I pretty much birthed on my own as he needed to be at home with our other child. There are maternal instincts and I believe they are there during pregnancy as well so what op is feeling is probably instinctive and we shouldn’t ignore that like the patriarchy want us to.

What was he like during your first birth? Did you feel unsupported which is why you want your sister there? If so, that’s understandable. But, if he was a good support, then I can understand why he’s annoyed.

My partner was fantastic both times, speaking up for me when needed. If he was useless first time, I may have wanted someone else to support me...but then if he was useless, there wouldn’t have been a second baby. 😅

I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. But I always think these men can’t be a great partner and the relationship is poor if your partner isn’t enough at the birth.

I do not know why anyone else would be there? Is he not support enough?

I can't blame him for feeling insulted and intruded upon. That's a private moment between partners.

If you don't trust him to support you, why choose him to sire your offspring??

Your husband is being an ass by not considering how you may feel that you need additional support. Sometimes having a female birthing partner, especially one who has given birth is really really important to some of us. Especially when some husbands can be pretty useless in the delivery room.

If he was my husband, being an unsupportive ass, I'd tell him he can just stay home and look after your child and you'll have your mum and sister there instead.

If he doesn't like that much, then tell him it's your body, your birth and he needs to start being supportive and respect the choices you make regarding the most important life event your body goes through, so he can suck it up and stop stropping over you having an additional birthing partner.

It's obviously about you but I think the father probably feels a bit helpless in the birth situation at the best of times. By having someone else there, he may feel actively rejected as if he can't fulfil the role satisfactorily alone.

It is ultimately your decision but it is his baby too and he doesn't have to be enthusiastic about your sister being there.

Unless I was no longer in a relationship with him then I couldn't imagine having anyone other than the father of my baby as my birth support partner.

You don't say what has changed between your last birth and this one. Was he not a good partner? Were there issues related to his presence? That could be key information.

For me, anyone else (other than midwives or doctors of course) would have been a third wheel, and unnecessary. So, I can see why he feels put out and defensive about it.

You are entitled to your feelings and wishes though. So is he unless he committed any terrible faux pas the last time.

It's hard to tell whether he is a complete knob who I wouldn't want anywhere near me during labour. However, he is a reasonable man who just doesn't want your sister to be there. At the moment the knob theory is winning.

Why is the knob theory winning? All he's done is not be enthusiastic about sharing a very personal experience with an extra person.

Same here

When I had my first child I had my 'then' partner and my mum with me. Looking back I think my mum was much better support when it came to helping me through the labour pains and calming me and dealing all the various emotions I was expressing, she knew how to rub my back 'just right' and helped clean me up effectively etc🤣 Partner was a wreck really, and kind of froze whenever a labour pain washed over me. He did try in his own way, but it was nothing close to the support of my mum

I had my mum and exp at the birth or my first and only, purely because I didn’t know how it would play out. You've already done just you and him, why should it be different this time? Unless there are reasons you haven't mentioned.

Your baby's birth is special to both of you, and a moment to share. It's not a social event. You can introduce your baby to family afterwards. Sorry, OP but I'm team DH.

I had my then dh & my mum, I was so glad my mum was there as dh was useless & couldn't advocate for me when I was unable to. I ended up with an emcs & dh was unable to come into theatre as he was in a wheelchair so my mum was there with me.

So the first labour it was just him, and this one you want someone else there too because he did stuff wrong or didn't do stuff right the first time? Have you ever discussed that with him or is this the only way you've broached the subject? If so I can understand why he's feeling sensitivity.

However, your body, your labour, you need to do what will get yo u through it the best way

It seems reasonable to just want the two people involved in the actual room (plus medical professionals) and anyone else waits elsewhere. But then again I don’t have a sister and would rather give birth alone in the woods than allow my mother anywhere near me during labour so my opinion is likely skewed.

No it is not a social event. It is medical event that is happening to OP. This is nothing to do with introducing baby to anyone. This is about a woman experiencing labour and deciding who she wants there to support her.

Her husband's response should have been "well what would make you feel more comfortable?" his comfort is irrelevant in this case.

Really? I totally see this for separated couples, a teen mum, surrogates, someone with a totally useless coparent, etc, but why would anyone not want a baby of their union born into positive circumstances with their parents? Are they not supportive enough would be the question, ate the circumstances not positive, what is wrong?

I do not think it means that at all. I wanted chilled waterbirths at home and would have wanted my older son there last time, and family (who I like and cause me no stress) popping in, but people have all kinds of meanings linked to things in their heads.

What are your thoughts and meanings around sharing birth, what are your dps? I think it sounds like his are different to yours, but he is trying to be supportive. I think a conversation around what the birth means, etc might be helpful. So you understand one another.

Obviously, it is you giving birth. So you get to call the shots. But then you want to live happily as a family with dh. So it is worth having discussions to see if you can find common ground. You can but try. Then if you really disagree, fuck it. You know you tried your best, just suit yourself.