I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

[Asher09]

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

Just you, I think. JFC.

Wow there's a lot of replies here! I haven't read all and if OP is still reading them, I had my first baby earlier this year. My DP is hospital/doctor/needle etc phobic, I talked to him about the birth I wanted and what could happen/what I didn't want, wrote the birth plan in front of him. He was nervous and asked if I'd rather have my mum or sister/s (both have 2 children) as he was worried he wouldn't be able to support me. But I couldn't imagine him missing the birth of his first (and likely only) child?! I also wanted it to be a special moment between the two of us.
I ended up being induced so was in hospital several nights, I was straight away put into a delivery suite where DP could stay. He stayed apart from going the short journey home to feed our pets until I was having contractions then my parents took over our pet care.
He went out once to get food and a midwife came and stayed with me as I was struggling with the drip giving me no breaks in-between contractions. He was shocked how quickly I went from ok to struggling and he was annoying me by talking and asking questions a lot, I found I wanted silence. He then took a step back. I had an epidural after 6 hours of contractions every 3/4 in 10 mins and little progression and he left for that to be placed due to the needle. I then didn't really need.him so he dozed and I woke him when I felt I was pushing and he came up the head end and held my hand during pushing, he then had most of her first skin to skin and when it came to it did her first nappy and dressing. That was all I needed! If you feel you'd like a second partner then discuss the reasons with him and I think he should understand it's you going through the birth

At first I thought you were being a bit unfair, but after your reply I can see why you would want another birthing partner. The fact he couldn't even stay for 14 hours without constant breaks shows he isn't the most reliable. I get toilet breaks, drinks etc. but it's not like you were there for days. I dread to think how he'd cope with any complications. I was recently in hospital for 2 weeks and had to give birth to my baby who had sadly died. My husband was there pretty much the whole time apart from when he couldn't get childcare. I can't believe some of these wishy washy, wet blankets some women are married to.

Wow a lot of comments here…
I think people in general need some communcation with their partners. It is beyond me why you wouldn’t have a conversation about every aspect of the birth with your partner. There are no physical, emotional or practical things my partner was not involved in. He doesn’t get spared from the blood, the stitches, the pain. It’s not a “personal” thing to me. Child birth is brutal…
If he had been anything less than fully supportive during birth (except for sickness, panic, passing out etc that is out of a person’s control) he would not be my partner in the first place. I have zero tolerance for an unsupportive, negative, tired partner after me enduring 9 months pregnancy and then trying to eject OUR child from my body.

So no I don’t think he doesn’t get to have any say like some people comment. But also don’t think he gets to say no to anyone else being there (although I understand that wish) if there are reasons for needing a family member or friend there. Like him not being able to support for some reason.
But the comments are very “he’s right”/“she’s right” and I’m just amazed that people don’t feel like 100% partners.

I could not agree more…but mostly I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I am glad you had the support of your husband through such a devastating experience. Sending you both a lot of thoughts

@PresentingPercy Women just look stupid.

I'm not sure what this comment refers to, but it seems that you really don't like women very much.

@Jannae1988 thank you so much! It's had a huge knock on effect health wise too, but I'm getting there now. My DH did everything household and childcare wise and supported me while I was in hospital so he's been fantastic. You also sound like you have a lovely supportive partner!

Anyone else slightly jealous of people who found labour and birth to be a 'special moment'? For me it was just traumatic (for both me and DH)

I can only imagine both the emotinal and physical toll it must have taken. Really take care of yourself and eachother during this time.

And yes that is what you need in a partner…someone who takes the 90% when your batteri is at 10%. I had complications during pregnancy and after giving birth and my partner did EVERYTHING. Now that I’m pregnant again he needs to do so much with our daughter…that’s how it is…he thinks it’s a small sacrifice compared to growing and birthing a child

@Jannae1988 Wishing you a happy and healthy second pregnancy!

To be fair it's impossible to know exactly how someone will respond in any given situation. A lot of people are great and supportive but placed in a hospital ina situation over which they have very little control they can feel powerless and overwhelmed. I'm sure many people (both men and women) have been surprised at how strong/useless they became in that situation.

Was he helpful and useful in your first labour? If so then I agree with him but if he was useless and you think your sister would be more beneficial to you then I think you need to explain that to him.

You need to be able to get through it be relaxed and have someone fight your corner if needs be.

Absolutely! And these situations to me would go under “out of a person’s control”! I did expect
my partner to get scared, feel sick because of the blood, needing the toilet, a drink etc. ! He is only human.
I’m more referring to some comments that seem like it’s an attitude issue. Or just wanting to be involved

Sorry NOT wanting to be involed I meant

Do whatever makes you most comfortable, OP. Given the fact that that's not his attitude, I wasn't in the least surprised to hear how self centered he was during your last birth. This is something you have to do, you should absolutely make the decision about your comfort yourself.

I think it really depends how supportive your partner was during your last labour. Did he sit on his phone and moan it was taking to long or he was tired? Or did he run your back and give you words of encouragement? My husband was amazing during birth and I don't think sat down for the whole 15 hours. Always by my side doing what he could. I wouldn't want another person in the room because it was special for just the two of us to have that moment

@chezpopbang "I wouldn't want another person in the room because it was special for just the two of us to have that moment"

And that was your choice. That's the point.

What? Taking one small part of what I said and trying to make it sound like a don't support it being her choice is ridiculous. If you read my first sentence you would see I said it depends how the birth partner was. Maybe I should have spelled it out for the person not reading it all in context but that was my implied point. If she doesn't feel supported by her birth partner she should definitely have someone who will support her in the room. I would be explaining that to my birth partner and saying if you don't like it you don't have to come at all. Why is there always someone on here who wants to twist your words and start a fight in the comments?

@chezpopbang Even if he was supportive, she still has a perfect right to choose someone else this time. That's what I meant. I don't think the father actually has any rights here. I understand that it would be hugely disappointing if she chose someone else-but I'm afraid he would just have to deal with it. And be a grown up about it.