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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
Genevra · 11/07/2023 23:34

I'm quite surprised by some of these responses.
You're the one going through labour and birth and you should have whatever support you need. If that's your sister as well as your husband he doesn't need to be doing cartwheels of delight about it because this isn't about him. Yes it's his baby but unless he's the one giving birth I don't think he can dictate that you shouldn't have your sister there for additional support, if that will make you most comfortable.

ChipsAreLife · 11/07/2023 23:36

Have whoever you want there, it's your body, your pain etc. I don't personally think your DH gets to decide! I totally understand having your sister there.

saraclara · 11/07/2023 23:38

SunRainStorm · 11/07/2023 23:17

It's your birth, I don't see why he gets a say at all.

Do what you want and tell DH to suck it up.

And this is why some men gradually withdraw from being an equal parent. And then their wives turn up on mumsnet to complain that they're not pulling their weight.

His own wife is giving birth to his child and he's not allowed a say. At all. So from Day 1, he doesn't count.

ODFOx · 11/07/2023 23:42

It's not a social event.
Have the people you need there.
If you are having a medic free home birth then crack on and invite the village , but otherwise the midwives will support you and your DH will be there to welcome your child.

BoohooWoohoo · 11/07/2023 23:43

What was he like last time ? If I were him, I would be wondering if I had done something wrong last time.

SlippySarah · 11/07/2023 23:43

LoveBluey · 11/07/2023 23:24

Really quite surprised by the answers.

You need to feel comfortable and supported by your birthing partner(s). It has nothing to do with who was at the conception but rather who will best support you during the birth experience.

Incidentally I only had and wanted my husband with me but if I had wanted anyone else I would have expected him to not only agree but support that decision.

I agree with this. There's nothing to say the baby's dad or your partner (whether or not they are the same person) gets to have exclusive access to you during labour.

Labour can go on for hours (days?!) and be at times boring, frightening, exhausting, painful, enjoyable, exciting and many other things. In labour you need to be supported and cared for and this could be provided by a number of different people if that's what you wanted.

Saying that just the baby's dad should be there is extremely narrow minded. If you were giving birth 100 years ago or in a primitive tribal village you would be surrounded by women who love you and can support your needs as a birthing woman. The male would be nowhere to be seen. There's definitely room for a variety of options and alternatives.

RunningFromInsanity · 11/07/2023 23:46

Also surprised by the answers as there are numerous other threads where the mother and father aren’t in a relationship and all the advice is to have who you want, the birthing partner is to support the mother, father doesn’t get a say in whether he is present etc

AndTheSurveySays · 11/07/2023 23:48

And this is why some men gradually withdraw from being an equal parent. And then their wives turn up on mumsnet to complain that they're not pulling their weight

His own wife is giving birth to his child and he's not allowed a say. At all. So from Day 1, he doesn't count

Only shit men that don't give a true fuck about their children would use a woman wanting extra support during labour as an excuse to not parent their child equally.

magma33 · 11/07/2023 23:50

The birth is about the mother not the father, he’s not the one pushing the baby out and risking all those issues/birth injuries etc. it’s not about his comfort but the mother’s only because if the mother isn’t relaxed it could stall labour. I think it’s really shit of him to make it all about himself, my husband is great at the birth and very knowledgeable about my wishes and advocated for me but even then he would’ve been glad if another person was there for me but sadly none are local otherwise would’ve had my sister too.

magma33 · 11/07/2023 23:52

Sounds abit controlling when I do think about it and his motivations for wanting to be the only one there.

dreamonlucid · 11/07/2023 23:52

If men gave birth, and he wanted his brother in the room with you or his best mate wouldn't you feel a bit weird and put out?

Does your sister actually want to see you in labour? Has she got a say in this?

Mamoun · 11/07/2023 23:52

Sorry but why would you want to share this intimate moment with anyone else than you husband, the father of the baby who you are in a relationship with. Are you happy in your marriage?

Beginningless · 11/07/2023 23:52

I think how you both feel is important. I don’t think it has to be either extreme of ‘it’s all about you and he gets no say’ or ‘he’s uncomfortable so I have to suck up not having the birth I want’.

You need to get underneath why you are both feeling how you are. Does he feel inadequate or criticised by you wanting extra support after the last time? Will he feel unable to be himself? Do you maybe feel he wasn’t helpful enough or didn’t get certain things? Will you feel more able to be yourself with her there? I’m just reading between lines, these may not be it, but you both need to make effort to share how you feel and listen and respect the other.

bitnervousaboutthis · 11/07/2023 23:52

Cannot believe some of the responses on here, the OP is about to go through probably one of the most painful experiences of their lives, let's not forget some women in the U.K. still die in childbirth, it's not without its risks why shouldn't they have who they want there? I think it's disgusting that in less then a century we've rightly moved away from no men to the point where men should get a potentially deciding in who else is there and there are other women on here who support that. It's the OP's body, it's her choice that's the beginning and end of it all.

slipperypenguin · 11/07/2023 23:54

Your DH is right

WandaWonder · 11/07/2023 23:56

Its simple just go with the idea he is a man and anything he says and does is wrong just because it is his child being born as well has absolutely nothing to do with it or course till the mother then decided later on he is not doing enough or needs to pay more money or shows no interest he still wont be doing it right

Summerfun54321 · 11/07/2023 23:56

Have who you want but personally I wouldn't want two adults, it sounds crowded. Just pick DH or your sister and do it in a way that doesn't offend DH as you are clearly saying he is not enough.

Toseland · 11/07/2023 23:56

I do think it is a very special time between the three of you - you are creating your family.

margegunderson · 11/07/2023 23:57

OP is doing the work here - why shouldn't she have who she wants there? There are some really weird responses on here. It's not taking anything away from the father to have the sister there. Surely they share the joy?
And as for the idea that this excludes the dad from day one and she'll end up calling him a shit parent... words fail me. The patriarchy is indeed strong.

TheBellsToll · 11/07/2023 23:58

I’m with your husband. It’s a special and personal thing. Mine would have hated me having someone else there (as would I).

Pawpatrolsucks · 11/07/2023 23:58

It’s entirely up to you. If you want your sister for support then have her.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/07/2023 23:59

What a load of crap responses, oh how awful you are being to him, why should he share the time and the rest

it’s you giving birth, not him, you going through the pain, and you get who you want there. If she will be more help than him, go for it

Wishitsnows · 12/07/2023 00:00

@bitnervousaboutthis could not agree more with your post. I don’t know how it has come to this.

sunshinesky · 12/07/2023 00:01

bitnervousaboutthis · 11/07/2023 23:52

Cannot believe some of the responses on here, the OP is about to go through probably one of the most painful experiences of their lives, let's not forget some women in the U.K. still die in childbirth, it's not without its risks why shouldn't they have who they want there? I think it's disgusting that in less then a century we've rightly moved away from no men to the point where men should get a potentially deciding in who else is there and there are other women on here who support that. It's the OP's body, it's her choice that's the beginning and end of it all.

This! Why is it any less special if someone else is there for support who loves the mother and will love the baby? Labour can be long and terrifying. I'm so glad my sister was with me, she was the best support I could have wished for during a difficult labour, my now ex was useless (and continued to be but that's a story for another thread!)

StayAnonn · 12/07/2023 00:02

If you were giving birth 100 years ago or in a primitive tribal village you would be surrounded by women who love you and can support your needs as a birthing woman. The male would be nowhere to be seen

Mmmm. Nor would he have been expected to help with the baby in any way at all. Not really an ideal to aim for is it?

He was your only birthing partner for number 1 but now you want someone else there for the second. The obvious question is why? What did he do wrong the first time? This is probably what he's thinking imo, it's what I would be.

Yes it's the woman going through birth etc but it's a special, intimate time for the couple, the welcoming of their new child. To expect men to have no feelings about the woman wanting to invite someone else to share that is naiive.