Page 6 | I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

Asher09 · 2023-07-11T22:08:41+00:00

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again. A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished. I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame. Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner. I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 09:41

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 09:39

It’s quite the opposite of patriarchy. A father being involved and having opinions about the birth of his child is in my view the opposite of the uninvolved “let the women birth while we smoke cirgars” men. My partner took classes with me, went to the midwife with me, did Rebozo on me. He would have respected my wishes and if I needed my sister there because he was scared if blood or whatever he would have said nothing to that. But now I know that would have taken away from his very special moment with our daughter right after birth.
This is feminism, not patriarchy. Parents being equally involved while respecting that the mum is doing the birthing and having the last say in what she needs if there are reasons for that. If not and it’s just a “wouldn’t it be fun if my sister was there” I see no reason for him not to have feelings about that and that is an involved partner.

Aaand I meant to quote the patriarchy comment here…

Original poster

Asher09 · 12/07/2023 10:53

I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions but in me saying I want 'the option' to have another birthing partner doesn't mean my husband is not important or will be shunned. I know my sister very well - I wouldn't suggest someone who is intrusive or overbearing.

My husband was good the first time around, I have no complaints with how he handled the birth but he also doesn't have to be a crap birthing partner for me to have my sister there as another form of support... especially since she's had 3 kids! I was in labour for 14 hours the first time, he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks... at times he was a deer caught in headlights - it's a traumatic thing for everything! My thought is that if I have another birthing partner it means they can tag team, it takes the pressure off him and I always have someone with me.

The whole thing was meant to be a conversation, us asking each other about what it would look like with another birthing partner... I tell him why I want my sister there and he tells me what his expectations are, we discuss it together and come to a decision together... but its difficult to do that when he's all up in his feels with bitchy responses and dejection from the start. Yes he doesn't owe me any enthusiasm but I think he owes me understanding esp when I'm the one pushing a 7lbs baby out and especially since it wasn't an absolute either... it was an option for me when I go into labour...for me to decide in that moment.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that the whole birthing experience is about what I want? I always thought when it came to labour I would make all the decisions (where, how, drugs intervention, breastfeeding etc) and he would just support my needs?

OP posts:

ZebraDilemma · 12/07/2023 10:59

Asher09 · 12/07/2023 10:53

I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions but in me saying I want 'the option' to have another birthing partner doesn't mean my husband is not important or will be shunned. I know my sister very well - I wouldn't suggest someone who is intrusive or overbearing.

My husband was good the first time around, I have no complaints with how he handled the birth but he also doesn't have to be a crap birthing partner for me to have my sister there as another form of support... especially since she's had 3 kids! I was in labour for 14 hours the first time, he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks... at times he was a deer caught in headlights - it's a traumatic thing for everything! My thought is that if I have another birthing partner it means they can tag team, it takes the pressure off him and I always have someone with me.

The whole thing was meant to be a conversation, us asking each other about what it would look like with another birthing partner... I tell him why I want my sister there and he tells me what his expectations are, we discuss it together and come to a decision together... but its difficult to do that when he's all up in his feels with bitchy responses and dejection from the start. Yes he doesn't owe me any enthusiasm but I think he owes me understanding esp when I'm the one pushing a 7lbs baby out and especially since it wasn't an absolute either... it was an option for me when I go into labour...for me to decide in that moment.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that the whole birthing experience is about what I want? I always thought when it came to labour I would make all the decisions (where, how, drugs intervention, breastfeeding etc) and he would just support my needs?

I always thought when it came to labour I would make all the decisions (where, how, drugs intervention, breastfeeding etc) and he would just support my needs?

OP tell your DH this is how he can best support you by listening to what you want and need and putting his expectations aside.

DancingBarefootTonight · 12/07/2023 11:01

he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks... at times he was a deer caught in headlights

He sounds shit to me.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/07/2023 11:09

I'm in the boat of it being partners at birth - you're creating a new family and that moment should be about that - if you have a loving happy relationship I can't really understand why you'd want or need anyone else.

Obviously if a relationship has ended then things would be different and you'd want the person who could support you best. Well, in any event you'd want the person who can support you best and I would have thought that would be your partner 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cattenberg · 12/07/2023 11:18

Am I unreasonable in thinking that the whole birthing experience is about what I want? I always thought when it came to labour I would make all the decisions (where, how, drugs intervention, breastfeeding etc) and he would just support my needs?

YANBU. You’re the patient and your labour is likely to progress more smoothly if you feel safe and supported. Surely your DH can understand that you’d like someone with you while he’s at home for a few hours “freshening up”?

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 11:23

@Asher09 I never thought it was all about me. I thought it was all about us and our family.

Often a second birth is much shorter labour than the first. I think you are lucky to have options for support but it’s not the first time is it? So both you and he know what it’s about. He is also a possible decision-maker if anything goes wrong. Not your sister.

He should have stayed the first time and could have freshened up at the hospital! However I cannot see why you would want a tag team this time around and he should be encouraged to he with you for 100.% of the time. It’s his new child too. You seem keen to split your role (which I know is far more onerous) away from his. I would keep him close!

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 11:31

"Your husband comes first in this. Even if he might be useless! It is his baby too"

Are you really saying that a labouring woman should choose her partner, however useless, over her useful mother or sister? God, misogyny lives and breathes, doesn't it??

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 11:32

Asher09 · 12/07/2023 10:53

I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions but in me saying I want 'the option' to have another birthing partner doesn't mean my husband is not important or will be shunned. I know my sister very well - I wouldn't suggest someone who is intrusive or overbearing.

My husband was good the first time around, I have no complaints with how he handled the birth but he also doesn't have to be a crap birthing partner for me to have my sister there as another form of support... especially since she's had 3 kids! I was in labour for 14 hours the first time, he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks... at times he was a deer caught in headlights - it's a traumatic thing for everything! My thought is that if I have another birthing partner it means they can tag team, it takes the pressure off him and I always have someone with me.

The whole thing was meant to be a conversation, us asking each other about what it would look like with another birthing partner... I tell him why I want my sister there and he tells me what his expectations are, we discuss it together and come to a decision together... but its difficult to do that when he's all up in his feels with bitchy responses and dejection from the start. Yes he doesn't owe me any enthusiasm but I think he owes me understanding esp when I'm the one pushing a 7lbs baby out and especially since it wasn't an absolute either... it was an option for me when I go into labour...for me to decide in that moment.

Am I unreasonable in thinking that the whole birthing experience is about what I want? I always thought when it came to labour I would make all the decisions (where, how, drugs intervention, breastfeeding etc) and he would just support my needs?

I think I understand you a bit better with this elaboration. He shouldn’t be bitchy or dismissive. If you have a reasonable need for her to be there he should listen. If it’s just because you feel like it would be nice to share with your sister I think he has a say in wether or not this moment is private between you two.
Maybe it could be an option like you said? Maybe if during the process you feel like you need her there she can be called?
Explain to him in detail which specific moments from last time you felt could be nice to have her there for

CurlewKate · 12/07/2023 11:32

@Asher09 You have an absolute right to have whoever you want, and will make you feel safe and supported as your birthing companion. It is completely, definitely, finally your choice.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 12/07/2023 11:32

Could you suggest that she is there for the earlier stages and then do a tag team to support you but unless he is away 'freshening up' it is just him for the actual birth if your sister is happy to support you doing that?

CornedBeef451 · 12/07/2023 11:34

It depends on what your DH would be like.

Mine isn't great in an emergency or stressful situation. I knew he wouldn't advocate for me and I did end up looking after him at one point so I was very glad my sister was there with me.

She got me through labour and then discreetly left after the baby came both times. I wouldn't have got through either of the births without her being there.

toomuchlaundry · 12/07/2023 11:39

Have you been able to tell him what you want?

If we had had a second DC I think DH would have been upset if I had said I wanted an additional person in the room, but he was a rock during DS’s birth and was by my side throughout. Was a reasonably quick labour in the early hours of the morning, no time to go home to freshen up, in fact no time to go to the car park and get something we didn’t bring in (ended up in a different hospital than planned so weren’t as organised as could have been!) Had complications after the birth, which took longer to sort than the actual birth. Again he was there throughout advocating for me and looking after DS. Only when sorted did he go home to freshen up and sleep!

If he had been rubbish then I might feel differently.

Would it be an option that sister stays for early part and then leaves before baby makes an appearance?

annonymousse · 12/07/2023 11:45

For me the question is who will support you best? If DP was great with your first baby I would agree it should be him again. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. You don't owe anyone the right to be there. If he was a bit useless last time and you think your sister will be helpful then have her there.

ModestMoon · 12/07/2023 12:01

These comments would surprise many women of years gone by. The birth of a baby is a scary and intense event. If you need support, you should have support. You are the one giving birth. Giving birth is hard, it isn't a romantic moonlight stroll and you shouldn't be compromising on what would make it easier to appease the ego of a man. Yes it's a special time, but the idea that someone present to support you at the birth would take away from your husband is ridiculous. Its his child, sure. But it's your body it's coming out of !

notalltheanswersbutsome · 12/07/2023 12:03

Parents being equally involved while respecting that the mum is doing the birthing and having the last say in what she needs if there are reasons for that. If not and it’s just a “wouldn’t it be fun if my sister was there”

What a way to contradict yourself and also be condescending at the same time.

whoruntheworldgirls · 12/07/2023 12:03

I'm with your husband, that's a very special moment.

bitnervousaboutthis · 12/07/2023 12:04

ModestMoon · 12/07/2023 12:01

These comments would surprise many women of years gone by. The birth of a baby is a scary and intense event. If you need support, you should have support. You are the one giving birth. Giving birth is hard, it isn't a romantic moonlight stroll and you shouldn't be compromising on what would make it easier to appease the ego of a man. Yes it's a special time, but the idea that someone present to support you at the birth would take away from your husband is ridiculous. Its his child, sure. But it's your body it's coming out of !

Agreed

nationallampoons · 12/07/2023 12:06

It's your birth, have your sister if you want. I don't know why posters are commenting being on the fathers side

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/07/2023 12:07

Hbh17 · 11/07/2023 23:20

He's right. It's his baby too, and bizarre that anyone else (except medical staff) should be there.

Yup, this

Cattenberg · 12/07/2023 12:12

Meeting your baby for the first time is a special moment for sure. Personally, I wouldn’t describe the hours leading up to it (many in my case) as a special moment.

LivinDaylights · 12/07/2023 12:19

I had a rule, unless you are present at the conception you aren't present at the birth. I think having a 3rd wheel there will change the dynamic. Unless your husband was completely useless the 1st time and you weren't supported I don't see why you need to invite anyone else along? People on here will say you get to decide as you are giving birth, but personally I wouldn't have my husband feel uncomfortable at the birth of his child, yes you are pushing it out, but it's his baby too, he should get some say who gets to see his child come into the world. I saw it as a special moment for us as a couple, the bit where the midwife leaves you alone after the birth to bond, just the 2 of you, it's special. We didn't tell anyone about the birth for 3hours or so each time, that time was just about us and the baby. I can't imagine someone else there wanting to hold the baby, ringing every man and his dog etc wanting to tell them, it's not about anyone else.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 12/07/2023 12:45

Really surprised at some of the responses. Labour can be terrifying and fucking painful, it's you going through it, not him. He's going to be there, but you want your sister too which is totally reasonable. Ridiculous that he should be demanding you go through that without someone who would make the experience potentially more manageable for you. Especially since he's likely to fuck off to attend to his own needs during.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 12/07/2023 13:02

I had DH and my mum as birthing partners and found it helpful during a long and difficult labour. It's your labour so IMO it's your decision who is in the room with you. DH's role is to support you so if you want your sister with you then he should support that too.

CovertImage · 12/07/2023 13:04

bitnervousaboutthis · 11/07/2023 23:52

Cannot believe some of the responses on here, the OP is about to go through probably one of the most painful experiences of their lives, let's not forget some women in the U.K. still die in childbirth, it's not without its risks why shouldn't they have who they want there? I think it's disgusting that in less then a century we've rightly moved away from no men to the point where men should get a potentially deciding in who else is there and there are other women on here who support that. It's the OP's body, it's her choice that's the beginning and end of it all.

Signed "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells"

Your body OP, your roolz