I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

[Asher09]

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

Not sure I would have wanted a family audience when a consultant was rummaging in my nether regions doing a James Herriot impression trying to pull out my placenta, when it refused to come out naturally

@toomuchlaundry Personally, I wouldn't want any sort of non medical audience for that! That's when birthing partners should be either focussing on the baby or holding hands and being reassuring at the head end.

Do men really fuck off for a few hours during labour?

i woldnt call that being good and no complaints he could have missed it completely

Yes you are the one in labour but you're in a marriage and therefore you should want to try to find a compromise with him that you are both happy with.

Personally I don't understand it, if I could get away with not being there when I give birth I wouldn't be 🤣

In general, you need one supportive birth partner. In some hospitals that's still all you're allowed. Maybe discuss with him and ask why he doesn't want her there? Or say OK she doesn't come but in return that means he can't leave like you did last time? Or say sister comes to support you while in labour but leaves at pushing stage so just the two of you when baby is born? He may be taking it as a slight against him that he was enough last time and not this time.

It’s also likely to be shorter this time! So maybe he’s ok with that and now understands what support means? He should have the chance to be the only support at the birth.

When you support a woman in labour, it isn’t about you and your preferences. It isn’t about giving you the opportunity to do what you want.

It’s about listening to the patient, knowing her wishes and advocating for her. It’s about helping her to feel safe and comfortable, whether that means rubbing her back, helping her to the toilet or just standing back and giving her space. It’s about putting the needs of the labouring woman and her baby above your own. Always.

Yes. All of which her husband can do! As I said, he can learn. However dads have a role and bonding is surely one of them. So the needs of the baby are therefore a priority too. Beyond the moment of birth. Or do we just alienate dads by excluding them? Personally I think dad can help with the labour and be there afterwards. It seems wholly wrong to exclude him. Unless you want a divorce of course.

People who think like you worry me.

As an ex-midwife I saw many partners actively becoming hindrances rather than helping the poor woman labouring away and birthing their child.

It really opened my eyes into how little some men give a shit.

I had dad's snoozing away as mum was pushing, on the phone gaming away whilst she'd be desperate for rest, or even worse, moaning about how long it was taking.

The absolute worst I had was a vet, he was screaming and shouting at staff at how we wouldn't let animals suffer that way, whilst his DP was adamant she did not want any drugs.
He had to be asked not to shout at staff and reminded of the importance of oxytocin and a calm birthing environment.

Some I would notice the woman's blood pressure shooting up every time he'd walk in the room, which when dealing with pre-eclampsia is not a joke.

One of the best births I had was a younger mum who was supported by her partner and her Dad. Very unorthodox but they were both utterly incredible with her ❤️

A good birth partner is calm, collected, focused, quiet and knows the birthing woman wants and needs. Sometimes this won't be the father of the child, and that's OK.

@PresentingPercy out of interest, do you think dads have a right to be at the birth?

I'm with you. There are people who have doulas etc attending. I know people who had mums, sisters, friends etc as well as their partner. If it's a long labour then it can help to have someone else to take the pressure off.

I was in labour for 14 hours the first time, he went home for a few hours to 'freshen up', he was in and out getting snacks...

This is what is unacceptable.

Apart from going to the toilet he should have stayed where he was.

Everyone I know bought food and drink with them. Then if the father needed other food, thanks to mobile phones, they ordered food in. The father just had to go and collect it, which takes a few minutes.

In my pre-natal room and post-natal ward there were only 2 patients who changed partners. That's because they were in for days and one had an older child. So they had a rota of family members who were with them.

Simply tell your DH that as he will take breaks like last time you want your sister as an additional birthing partner to cover his breaks.

Depending on where you both and your sister live to the hospital, maybe go in with your sister and get him to come in a few hours later.

at times he was a deer caught in headlights - it's a traumatic thing for everything!

That is normal. Some people are better than others of hiding stress in the moment.

He can do it.

However last time he didn't do it.

Why the f^&k did he need to freshen up after 14 hours? It's not like he was trying to push a baby out.

Well no. He didn’t need to do that, but maybe he will be better this time? If he’s been a decent dad to the first baby is he really awful? Does he not deserve a chance to be there? I can see why he might feel excluded.

I think it’s not a right for dads to be there (as in a law) but I think it’s inclusive and gets the best outcome overall for the baby and the family.

Years ago no dads allowed and no one thought that was a good idea! It’s not fair to say they are all useless gamers or sleep. I slept during labour. But I accepted drugs, unlike the vets wife mentioned above. Blissful. DH had a snooze too. We were disturbed by the screams coming from elsewhere. Not my idea of a fun birth but some women like it. Each to their own I guess but we are allowed to have opinions. I’m with the vet.

Years ago no dads allowed and no one thought that was a good idea!

A lot of women thought it was an excellent idea. I was sorry I was too young to benefit from it.

What might be a possibility is that the dp knows he wasn't the best birthing partner the first time (even if he doesn't like to admit it) and so this request is really just highlighting that he could/should have done better. It's not alienating /excluding him to have someone else there though. He will still be there. Also I'm laughing at those describing giving birth as an intimate bonding experience.... those are the last words I'd use to describe my experience giving birth to dc1. 😄

This isn't some experiment where he gets to 'have a chance' at being a support at the birth. He's not being excluded, he is wanted there but just not him on his own. I would have had someone else at my second birth alongside my husband if I could have but I only had my mum in the same area and she was on standby for DD1. He wasn't useless but was overwhelmed and struggled seeing me in pain. This dad had his chance and blew it the first time.

Oh dear are we still telling women their husbands will divorce them if they make them unhappy in any way, nevermind a woman about to give birth who is asking for something completely reasonable and is in no way excluding the husband as is being implied but she must put her feelings aside and pander to her Dh’s fragile ego. How depressing.

@magma33 Quite.

Lots of people are saying the father shouldn’t be excluded, but that’s not what OP is suggesting. She wants her sister as well as her DH, not instead.

Maybe it should be like America and everyone gets induced and an epidural and you sit there with your in-laws and everyone in the room

I do think it’s alienating the dad. So many splits do come from such feelings. Women can choose to do anything but there might be consequences. I prefer harmony over my “rights”. I feel partnerships are better than a dictatorship. I also have the “right” to say this. I don’t really care if my views are old fashioned. Many of us wanted the dads with us and women fought for it. Many gave birth slime in the past. Now it’s seen as a negative step by midwives and women. Women just look stupid.

Well the father enforcing his own view about who should support his wife during childbirth might also undermine the relationship, given that it’s totally selfish and controlling.

If a man cares about family harmony, then he needs to prioritise the feelings and needs of the person who is risking her life and body to bring his child into the world.

Women decide who supports them in birth. It’s great that we now have the choice of who supports us in birth. Just because we can now choose to have the father there, doesn’t mean every woman is obliged to have the father and no one else.

@PresentingPercy "I do think it’s alienating the dad."

If the dad can't centre the woman's needs and wants when she's giving birth-that's what, probably twice, maybe three times in her life time- without feeling "alienated" then frankly, he's a bit of a dick.

Well summarised. That’s exactly what some posters are doing. Hideous.