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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 00:51

I had my mum and sister and my husband in my first labour and third labour. And just my husband and mum in my second.
The reason being is that my sister is my rock and my mum is my comfort, so combined it was the perfect support team I needed. It also made the process easier for my husband as he could pop out and get some fresh air, food etc without leaving me alone.
At the end of the day, this is your labour not his so the choice should be solely yours and he just has to suck it up.

MCOut · 12/07/2023 00:53

I’m with you OP. Labour is difficult, so if having your sister there makes it a better experience for you, he should support you. He doesn’t have to love the idea, but part of supporting you is doing his best to come to terms with it, not cause you unnecessary stress by being stroppy.

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 01:00

DancingBarefootTonight · 12/07/2023 00:11

What was he like during your first birth? Did you feel unsupported which is why you want your sister there? If so, that’s understandable. But, if he was a good support, then I can understand why he’s annoyed.

My partner was fantastic both times, speaking up for me when needed. If he was useless first time, I may have wanted someone else to support me...but then if he was useless, there wouldn’t have been a second baby. 😅

I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. But I always think these men can’t be a great partner and the relationship is poor if your partner isn’t enough at the birth.

Sorry but that’s rubbish. My husband was fantastic through all 3 births but labour can be very long mine went on for days with a lot of back and forth from the hospital and over 18 hours in active labour. Having another supportive person there is a bonus because it means your husband can take a break but not leave you on your own. Also it’s not like midwives stay with you throughout either, most of it is spent alone. Perhaps your labours were short and simple.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 12/07/2023 01:13

Your body, your choice

blahblahblah1654 · 12/07/2023 01:16

I can see why he's upset/annoyed but it's ultimately your choice.

ImustLearn2Cook · 12/07/2023 01:20

@Asher09 You don’t need to justify to anyone why you want your mum or sister with you while giving birth. You are the one going through labour and giving birth. You can have whoever you want with you. You don’t even need to have a reason.

I hope your husband deals with his insecurity of being pushed out and remembers that it is you who is giving birth, experiencing the pain of contractions and that you deserve to have the support you need. It’s not about his special moment. It’s about you being supported.

Good luck for your birth, hope everything goes well and you feel safe and supported 🌺🌸🌼🌷

Sugarfree23 · 12/07/2023 01:24

Your choice. But I read it as your saying to him and your family that he was useless during your first birth.

What did he do so wrong, there has to be a reason for wanting your sister?

HoldOnMiGenna · 12/07/2023 01:29

OP; remember that YOU are the patient
And to counteract what one poster said......any father who cannot bond with his child because he wasn't the only non medical professional in the room whilst his partner was giving birth....well that man is a cunt, but with none of the warmth or use
Millions of fathers have and do bond perfectly well with their babies and they didn't even see the birth.
Regardless. Childbirth is a female centred experience, what with females being the only humans capable of birthing humans. So the woman is the primary focus, the baby second and the woman should be " allowed" to have whoever as her birthing partner(s) without it being seen as anomalous by other women, much less men.

DancingBarefootTonight · 12/07/2023 01:32

Sorry but that’s rubbish. My husband was fantastic through all 3 births but labour can be very long mine went on for days with a lot of back and forth from the hospital and over 18 hours in active labour. Having another supportive person there is a bonus because it means your husband can take a break but not leave you on your own. Also it’s not like midwives stay with you throughout either, most of it is spent alone. Perhaps your labours were short and simple.

No, my labours were anything but short and simple. My first was over 3 days, my second was only 10 hours but I was then rushed to theatre with a complication. My partner didn’t take a break, there’s no way he would have left me. If yours did and that worked for you, great.

I don’t know why you’re taking offence at what my experience and thoughts are of other people’s relationships. If it’s not the case for you, great. Don’t be so defensive if everything is so great. 😅

magma33 · 12/07/2023 01:39

HoldOnMiGenna · 12/07/2023 01:29

OP; remember that YOU are the patient
And to counteract what one poster said......any father who cannot bond with his child because he wasn't the only non medical professional in the room whilst his partner was giving birth....well that man is a cunt, but with none of the warmth or use
Millions of fathers have and do bond perfectly well with their babies and they didn't even see the birth.
Regardless. Childbirth is a female centred experience, what with females being the only humans capable of birthing humans. So the woman is the primary focus, the baby second and the woman should be " allowed" to have whoever as her birthing partner(s) without it being seen as anomalous by other women, much less men.

👏

wingingit1987 · 12/07/2023 01:42

It’s one of those ones where I’m a bit torn. I have 3 daughters and would absolutely love to be there when they bring my grandchildren into the world. However, I’ve had 5 children and never once wanted anyone other than my husband there. I’ve always seen our children’s births as being sort of milestones in our relationship and it’s been such an intimate, special thing.

ultimately- you need your labour to be how you want it. There isn’t much you can plan for in labour as it’s very unpredictable but you can choose who your birthing partners are. I would just take a beat though and imagine the roles were reversed- would you be as comfortable with a 3rd party being there if you were in your husbands shoes or would you feel like you are sharing the experience?

bitnervousaboutthis · 12/07/2023 01:44

I actually think it's really sad and concerning that it's the 21st century and so many women would forgo their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their partner even though it is them that's going through the massive medical procedure.

Talliaaaaaa · 12/07/2023 01:46

CrystalTits · 11/07/2023 23:17

Unless your sister was also there at the conception then I agree with him that the birth of your baby should be an experience just for you and your husband.

I agree

LifeIsGooood · 12/07/2023 01:54

SunRainStorm · 11/07/2023 23:17

It's your birth, I don't see why he gets a say at all.

Do what you want and tell DH to suck it up.

And it's his child too, so that's why he gets a say.

bitnervousaboutthis · 12/07/2023 01:55

@LifeIsGooood it's not his body though so he should support her choice

Primrosefrill · 12/07/2023 02:05

ToBeOrNotToBee · 11/07/2023 23:32

It's your labour, your birth, your body. You choose, not him.

This.

I am really surprised by some of these comments.

TedEsMum · 12/07/2023 02:06

Blossomtoes, I agree with you 💯%!!! It's all about the comfort of the person who is going through labor and delivery. Yes,DH has a right to be peeved about his diminished role in the birthing, but he needs to suck it up and let her have the people SHE wants in the delivery room with her, aside from the medical team.

Primrosefrill · 12/07/2023 02:06

LifeIsGooood · 12/07/2023 01:54

And it's his child too, so that's why he gets a say.

Show quote history

Is he the one actually labouring? Going through a monumental event? Is he fuck. Her body, her choice.

The fact he is getting in a strop is pathetic.

LifeIsGooood · 12/07/2023 02:13

Primrosefrill · 12/07/2023 02:06

Is he the one actually labouring? Going through a monumental event? Is he fuck. Her body, her choice.

The fact he is getting in a strop is pathetic.

Show quote history

Oh that's right!
I momentarily forgot how much men are hated and disrespected here.

So he probably should just wait in the lobby huh?
RIDICULOUS

Primrosefrill · 12/07/2023 02:16

LifeIsGooood · 12/07/2023 02:13

Oh that's right!
I momentarily forgot how much men are hated and disrespected here.

So he probably should just wait in the lobby huh?
RIDICULOUS

Show quote history

No no, of course, he should get to dictate who the OP has in the room when she gives birth. Because his feelings matter more than hers despite the fact that he is not the one GIVING BIRTH.

RiDiCuLoUs

PleaseDontLickThat · 12/07/2023 02:22

bitnervousaboutthis · 12/07/2023 01:44

I actually think it's really sad and concerning that it's the 21st century and so many women would forgo their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their partner even though it is them that's going through the massive medical procedure.

My thoughts exactly. The patriarchy is alive and well.

TenNineBoom · 12/07/2023 02:22

@Mumtothreegirlies You claim your husband was great, but in other threads you’ve said that he doesn’t do anything to look after his children and spends all his time at work. No wonder you wanted your mum and sister there as your relationship with your husband sounds very bad. He’s not a partner to you in life so it seems obvious you would want support from others when in labour.

LifeIsGooood · 12/07/2023 02:24

Primrosefrill · 12/07/2023 02:16

No no, of course, he should get to dictate who the OP has in the room when she gives birth. Because his feelings matter more than hers despite the fact that he is not the one GIVING BIRTH.

RiDiCuLoUs

Show quote history

Again, we got it.
Father's can't have feelings.
Noted👌

GodspeedJune · 12/07/2023 02:25

Don’t worry about what anyone else, including your husband, thinks about this. Labour and childbirth is something he will witness but won’t experience. Have whoever you need or want there to help you feel supported and comfortable. You come first in this.

PleaseDontLickThat · 12/07/2023 02:29

Giving birth is literally THE most vulnerable and close to death most of us will ever be, excluding when we ourselves were born. Of course it should be up to the person going through this life-changing (and potentially life-risking) experience who she has there to support her.

If your husband’s nose is out of joint because he feels you’re making a comment about how supportive he was last time, you could have a conversation with him and try to reassure him. Or not - it’s your choice and it’s up to him how he deals with his hurt feelings.

And quite frankly it’s irrelevant whether PP’s would or wouldn’t want their mother/sister/Auntie Dorothy there because they’e not the ones giving birth. Your husband will be there too, as will many medical personnel. What difference will it make to him to have one more body in the room at the crucial moment?

With all that said, as a compromise and olive branch to your husband, could you have your sister their to support you during the labour, and she could quietly step out of the room just before the actual birth? Only if you are comfortable with this of course.

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