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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

I think my husband wants to be the only birthing partner

244 replies

Asher09 · 11/07/2023 23:08

I'm 8 months pregnant and am starting to plan my labour. Around 3 months ago I asked my husband what his thoughts were on having either my mum or sister as an additonal birthing partner... he gave me a really bitchy response which led to an argument so i never brought up having an additional birthing partner again.

A few days ago my husband asked me if I wanted my sister as a birthing partner and I said I would think about it. Today I asked him how he would feel if I did have my sister in the room and he wasn't too enthusiastic about it in his tone and demeanour, he didn't really give me a response or his opinion and said he would only tell me how he really felt when I made a final decision. After I called him out for not being that encouraging in his response and questioned why he even asked me in the first place if he wasn't happy about it, he got into a strop so we left the conversation unfinished.

I want the option to have my sister in the room, me and her are really close and she's super helpful too. My husband gets a long with her and I thought it'll just be nice for me to have her by my side. I feel like my husband is being a bit selfish... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take something away from him but I feel like he should be more understanding to my needs at this time. He is refusing to see my suggestion as a positive thing and making the whole thing really negative... its almost making me not want to have my sister there out of guilt which is a shame.

Bear in mind, this is our second child... during our first he was my only birthing partner.
I don't know what to do... if I have my sister in the room i'll feel like he's not happy and If i don't then i feel like I'll just end up resenting him.

OP posts:
TenNineBoom · 12/07/2023 02:30

I actually think it's really sad and concerning that it's the 21st century and so many women would forgo their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their partner even though it is them that's going through the massive medical procedure.

I agree that a woman should be as comfortable as possible when giving birth and choose whoever she thinks will offer her the best support. However, what I find sad is that women don’t think that person is their partner. My partner would have felt like a failure as a partner and a father if I didn’t genuinely feel like he was the person I wanted there and trusted most to provide support. Men need to do better for their partner to feel they would be the best birthing partner and women need to be a lot fussier over who they’re having children with.

Splishsploshsplash · 12/07/2023 02:46

If you want your sister there because your husband wasn’t helpful last time, have THAT conversation. He either agrees to what you need or your sister is there.

AutieNOT0tie · 12/07/2023 03:06

Is there a reason you want her there? How was he last time? I feel like it's your birthing. your choice but it's reasonable to consider his wishes

aloris · 12/07/2023 03:17

You are the one giving birth so I think it's ultimately your decision as to what you feel most comfortable and safest with, whether that's your husband alone or both your husband and sister. However, after you give birth, I think you should bear in mind that this is 0% your sister's baby. Your sister is there to support you in childbirth, not to elbow out your husband from the first seconds, minutes, hours, or days, of his child's life. If she is the sort of person who will do that, then maybe you need to reconsider her presence at the birth.

greenspaces4peace · 12/07/2023 03:27

your body your choice.

NumberTheory · 12/07/2023 03:27

TenNineBoom · 12/07/2023 02:30

I actually think it's really sad and concerning that it's the 21st century and so many women would forgo their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their partner even though it is them that's going through the massive medical procedure.

I agree that a woman should be as comfortable as possible when giving birth and choose whoever she thinks will offer her the best support. However, what I find sad is that women don’t think that person is their partner. My partner would have felt like a failure as a partner and a father if I didn’t genuinely feel like he was the person I wanted there and trusted most to provide support. Men need to do better for their partner to feel they would be the best birthing partner and women need to be a lot fussier over who they’re having children with.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to think that a friend who is a woman, especially one who has gone through labour, would be more likely to be a better birthing partner than a man (not that every woman who has gone through labour would be great at it). But it isn’t even simply about male v. female. A woman in a same sex relationship might prefer a friend over their partner too.

The skills you need from someone - empathy, but also a cool head and an ability not to take the shit that might come out of your mouth too personally - are not necessarily the ones you chose your partner for.

The idea that someone should feel a failure for not being the best possible choice for their partner for this one thing that is normal but not that common over the course of a life, is not a reasonable one. Women shouldn’t feel they have to suppress their feelings about who would be best for them because of this socially created idea that their romantic partner ought to be the most capable of this niche task.

notalltheanswersbutsome · 12/07/2023 04:45

Again, we got it.
Father's can't have feelings.
Noted👌

Can't have feelings? Turn it up. She's not saying he can't be there, he just can't dictate her support system.

P3N · 12/07/2023 05:08

He doesn't have to be happy about it but the choice is yours and you have to decide what's best for YOU.
Was he supportive last time? If you feel you need genuine support then get your sister in. Ignore the posters saying it's his baby too, he's not the one giving birth!

WilkinsonM · 12/07/2023 05:36

I think he was probably hurt at your suggestion which is why he gave a 'bitchy' response and he is trying to let you make the decision but has made it clear how he feels. Why would you need someone as well as him? Was he unhelpful last time? If I were him I'd be hurt by this too. Unless there is a good reason in which case you should have spoken to him about it long before you got pregnant again!

TenNineBoom · 12/07/2023 06:53

@NumberTheory So we have different opinions and expectations of partners. It’s allowed. 🤷🏼‍♀️

justanothermanicmonday1 · 12/07/2023 07:00

Notmineagain · 11/07/2023 23:10

Sorry but I'm with him.

Yup. Me too.

Clementineorsatsuma · 12/07/2023 07:13

Goodness there's some vitriol on here. All telling the OP how wrong she is. Bluntly too.

I was with my son and DIL (at her request) with both of their births. I was neither in the way, nor negating his value. It was simply what she wanted. I took a back seat for anything that needed the two of them. He did not feel the slightest bit emasculated.

OP could you compromise and your sister be outside the delivery suite? Or on standby if you need her?

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 07:21

We had my mum with us for the Labour and then when it came to delivery she stepped out and left us to it.
Tbh it was more my mum wanting to check I was okay while in Labour but it was a nice compromise.

Reallybadidea · 12/07/2023 07:32

PleaseDontLickThat · 12/07/2023 02:22

My thoughts exactly. The patriarchy is alive and well.

Show quote history

Agreed. This thread is utterly depressing. Childbirth is now (another) responsibility for women provide to as an "experience" for men.

Chimes with what a colleague told me recently - she checked her partner was ok with her being induced because the birth was part of his "fatherhood journey".

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 12/07/2023 07:41

I'm presuming that, as the Dad was there for the first birth and now OP wants an additional person there for the 2nd, he's presence was found lacking 1st time round?

There are lots of dads that aren't at all helpful during the birth and sit on their phones/pass out/take work calls etc whilst the woman is in labour - perhaps OP needs someone to actually hold her hand through the experience?

toomuchlaundry · 12/07/2023 08:03

@Mumtothreegirlies I would hope my DH is my comfort and my rock, otherwise I would have chosen poorly for someone who I wanted to be with and to be the father of my DC.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 08:24

I think it's whatever makes you feel most comfortable as your going through the labour. But I think once baby is born let DH hold baby first to make him feel special.

CapEBarra · 12/07/2023 08:32

Unless you’re expecting a very long labour and think he’ll need a break, then I’m with him. You and he are welcoming your new child and it’s a very personal and bonding experience. I’d also want to keep things as simple as possible and more people just means more chatter. By all means involve your sister but if it was me I’d value the private time together - unless you don’t want to be alone with him, but then I think you have bigger issues.

languageat30 · 12/07/2023 08:38

I had my mum with me when I gave birth, but mainly because my ex was useless and she used to be a midwife so could advocate especially well for me. I would have her there again in a heartbeat.

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 09:19

I see a few situations where having family members or friends in that room would make sense:
You’re a single mom
You are extremely afraid of giving birth and you need a specific person in that situation
Your partner is extremely afraid/squamish and not able to support you
Your partner can’t be there for some reason

Other than that I think it’s a team decision. It is an extremely private moment between you and your partner and I personally could not imagine having ANYONE else there. My partner had a special moment with our daughter for an hour while I was being treated for bleeding etc next to them (no drama). Imagine my sister looking over his shoulder…talking, being emotional…no way. This was his first bonding with her.
If you want someone else there just because it would be nice…and not because you NEED them there for some reason like the above I think it’s completely ok for your husband to not want that.

35965a · 12/07/2023 09:23

Your birth, your choice.

Anniejameslastcallanniejames · 12/07/2023 09:29

Would she be allowed to wait in the hospital? Then you know she is there and can see baby and you quite soon after the birth, but then its only you and your husband in the room?

Ellieell87 · 12/07/2023 09:39

It’s quite the opposite of patriarchy. A father being involved and having opinions about the birth of his child is in my view the opposite of the uninvolved “let the women birth while we smoke cirgars” men. My partner took classes with me, went to the midwife with me, did Rebozo on me. He would have respected my wishes and if I needed my sister there because he was scared if blood or whatever he would have said nothing to that. But now I know that would have taken away from his very special moment with our daughter right after birth.
This is feminism, not patriarchy. Parents being equally involved while respecting that the mum is doing the birthing and having the last say in what she needs if there are reasons for that. If not and it’s just a “wouldn’t it be fun if my sister was there” I see no reason for him not to have feelings about that and that is an involved partner.

PresentingPercy · 12/07/2023 09:39

Men are dads. They are needed and should step up. Women need a partnership with them regarding Dc. It’s not the patriarchy. It’s a partnership. At the birth of their child, the dad is a partner. It’s biological. No wonder men step back and wonder what their role actually is. Even if they want to be fully involved, women say no. Are they just a conception convenience? Leaving out dad is not a great decision. No caring dad should be shunned at the birth.

WhoHidTheCoffee · 12/07/2023 09:40

I would definitely be interested to know what he was like last time. My guess is you’d like more support this time, in which case you either have your sister or he needs to step up. But you need to talk about it.

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