Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

Do you feel let down by him generally?

You say he didn’t watch “my son” get born. It could just be a typo but if it wasn’t his then he’s unlikely to be as excited for it in a way an expected child of his own is. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you or isn’t happy but it could be a situation with it’s own emotional complexity for him

It was his son also being born not just yours. Having a child is a wonderful gift and everyone should feel proud of themselves, you shouldn’t need to be told this. You would of had the final say on your birth plan and if you wanted drugs to help or not so if you found things harder than you thought you can blame him for this. As for not seeing you give birth I don’t believe this is wrong I believe it’s a personal choice. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that he’s not proud of you. Congratulations on your baby

Was he in the room? My husband found it really traumatic and felt sick he'd 'put me through it' and said never again. Wondering if maybe it was a huge shock to him and he feels bad or anything like that. Have you talked to him about it and told him how you feel?
I wouldn't pay heed to videos online, they're done for an audience.

Also, my husband didn't want to see him being born either as in he stayed up with me, that's totally fine I think, it isn't for everybody.

What sort of dad is he now. If he's a good dad I don't think it matters tbh

Have you ever spoken about the birth since then?

Do you mean immediately after? My husband forgot I even existed as soon as he saw his baby haha! He buggered off with the baby while I was being stitched up from the C-section.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. How are you doing in general?

Was he in the room? If he was and you wanted him to actually watch your child physically coming out of you then that’s a bit much on your part. If you mean he chose not to be in the room at all then I can understand why you feel let down

I was shouted at for not getting a move on as DD1 arrived just as the pub had shut. I had a two hour labour.

I've had three DC and never once been thanked etc.

The father of DC3 did comment that I didn't scream as much as his ex wife. That was a back to back labour with just gas and air, so maybe it was a compliment?

The two dads are exes for obvious reasons. Sounds like yours may be before too long.

These are not normal healthy feelings, I think it would be healthy to step away from social media for a little bit until you feel more robust. Perhaps talk to your GP about any feelings that stem from fixating on minor issues from months ago - these things are stopping you enjoying your baby.

It isn't normal to have a planned script for how you want things to look, how you expect people to behave, to spend months going over decisions someone else made on the spur of the moment. Even the birth plan sets people up for disappointment, but your expectations are a whole other level, knowing what you wanted people to do and say.

Imagine he was still struggling with the fact it wasn't all TV level clean and quick? That's what this sounds like, a disconnect between reality and fiction and something I think it would benefit you to explore further before it damages any of your relationships or happiness.

I think I might be sick if DH told me he was proud of me. Patronizing! That's a thing you say to kids.

Did you tell HIM you were proud of him for making this child and being with you? Has it occurred to you that he was totally focussed on THE BABY?

Or, that people who make and share videos of their relationship are acting out scripted roles to impress the audience? Truly an affectation, not affection. Learn the difference.

What? You’ve never been proud of your husband? Mines told me he’s proud of me loads of times and vice versa.

I agree.
I also wonder how many of the people that are saying it in the videos that you are comparing your situation to are doing it for the benefit of the camera.

I told my 62 year old cousin today that I was proud of him.

@SecretSnake I am frequently proud of him but I would express it differently

Since when are after birth videos a thing… It sounds like attention seeking insta stuff, not genuine moments. Judge him what he’s like as a dad and partner every day, not over whether he was leaning around the midwife to get a good look up the business end or what he did/didn’t say in the immediate aftermath. Congratulations on the baby.

How is he generally? Does he support you? Is he an involved dad?

He didn't make it, he gave a gamete (during pleasure) while her body conceived, grew & gave birth. She alone went through the physical & emotional slog of pregnancy & labour.

I don't even remember what my husband said or did after DC was born. I was fueled with adrenaline and focused only on DC.

Interesting typo - ‘affectation’ where I presume you had meant to say ‘affection’.

Remember that so much of what you see on social media absolutely is an affectation and particularly on an individual level it isn’t necessarily an accurate representation of that person or that couple or their relationship.

Is he a decent and thoughtful partner to you in life and in the whole of your relationship? Is he a good, involved and committed father to your baby? Is he affectionate, appreciative and supportive of you when it actually counts and not just in a script you’ve set up from videos where a great proportion of people will be acting for the benefit of viewers anyway? If yes, focus on that and try to let go of your disappointment. Your delivery of your baby was magical and meaningful. You did it, you carried that baby and birthed him or her and you need to find that validation and that pride in yourself from within yourself! If no, well, then you have bigger problems than just that moment and you certainly need to think about whether this relationship is worth having.

Are you okay otherwise? The months leading up to and following delivery and having a new baby can be very difficult hormonally and psychologically. If you’re feeling this way a lot or in many aspects of your life please do speak to your health visitor/GP/another medical practitioner and ask for some help.

Some of these responses are a bit harsh imo

Op I think the question is whether you feel looked after and cherished by him at this time?

If the answer is otherwise yes, then you're probably just feeling a bit sensitive but if it's been business as usual then yanbu.

Did you want him with you at the birth? Did you ask him to be?

Slightly off track but since when was watching other people's birth videos a thing? You mean they post them on social media or on stuff like One born every minute, where they're well aware of the camera? Either way, Yeuch!

(I don't mean that in a nasty way, just that birth is painful, messy and very personal, I don't know why you'd want to share it with strangers or watch someone else's but I'm old and cynical so that's probably just me).

Stop watching them if it makes you upset

I can't even remember what, if anything, my partner said to me I was that knackered and pumped full of morphine.