Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

I can't remember if DH said he loved me after the birth of each of our 4 children but he did say thank you and that he was proud of me. He also cried each time, his parents thanked me each time too. Our last child was the most emotional for us both as we knew that would be the last one.

Those videos you're watching - the people in them know they are being filmed. So they are not acting totally naturally. I'd recommend you stop comparing yourself to things that are not necessarily real. What matters is how you feel your partner treats you generally - is he empathetic, kind, appreciative, loving? If yes, then none of this matters.

Birth is a momentous thing, and you never know what it's like or how you will experience it until it happens - that goes for birth partners too! I was in total shock after I gave birth, I could not tell you what I said, or what he said, or what we didn't say. We were both awestruck and in a state of pure feeling.

I totally agree. Giving birth is a bodily function that more or less happens to you regardless once you are pregnant for nine months! I can’t bear all this “ well done “ bollocks “ so proud”. It just seems so inappropriate some how. I think it’s fine to feel pride in your new born but proud of someone grunting puffing and panting and having a baby pop out their vag just makes me shudder. Worse is in the US shows where the whole family is in the birthing suite hooting and whooping!

I am appalled by the idea that people put this personal stuff on the internet at all. Even a video for your own private enjoyment would be a bridge too far.

OP, your fiancé isn't something from some stupid social media script - he is a real human being who can react, or not, in whatever way the spirit moves him.

I nearly died with I had DC1 (as did DC1). My then husband was too traumatised to say he was "proud of me" or any such crap. I think he was just beyond relieved that DC1 and I were alive. That doesn't make a very good video, but that is real life.

Get yourself off social media, stop comparing your partner to idealised versions of partners on the internet, and focus instead on your actual life. Is your partner a good, kind man who has your back, and who is doing his share with your child? Does he act as if he loves you? If so, it doesn't matter a jot whether he was there at the birth or not, or whether he kissed you at the appointed moment. It doesn't matter whether he fulfilled some random notion of "what a partner is supposed to be like in a video".

No DH didn’t tell me he was proud of me - he was too busy trying not to pass out. Come to think of it I never told him I was proud he pissed his kidney stone out so 🤷‍♀️
Many people don’t react that way at a time like that, and the vast majority in the internet that do, are doing it for the likes and attention. What matters is how he acts as a father and partner - does he support you and shoulder the load at home equally. This is what matters, not remembering to say he’s proud of you for giving birth.

My ex never either both times. He decided to stay at the other end holding my hand. I think he looked when the midwife said the head was coming out. But he never looked again until babies were out.

@ipswichwitch Did you not video him pissing out his kidney stone and put it on tiktok with some 'so proud of you, babe' comment? If not, why not?

@Anonymous2022xx does he feel like a let down in other ways? We all keep asking…

Random people put videos of the themselves post birth? Not the actual birth, surely?

If that is true then of course it's all lovey dovey and OTT. It's obviously for public consumption and they are well aware of that when they are recording.

It's not real life!

...and OP isn't obliged to answer.

There's no rule that making an OP means that you have to answer every question asked of you. Obviously it helps inform answers of the OP is asking something specific. But following them around saying "you haven't answered our question" is unreasonable and entitled behaviour.

ipswichwitch Did you not video him pissing out his kidney stone and put it on tiktok with some 'so proud of you, babe' comment? If not, why not?

@Awwhunny , maybe I wasn’t proud enough 😂. That said, I think I’ve done the world a favour sparing everyone that spectacle!!

Your feelings are valid op but those videos on social media are not real life.

I'd like to think if I had a baby with do that he would be pretty darn proud, what with me sacrificing my cooch to have a baby.

Depends what he is like with you on a normal basis. Does he say those kinds of things when you have made other achievements? Jobs etc?

My DP sent me a text after he had left the hospital gushing how I was his hero and he would love me and baby forever etc etc
He left me when baby was 3 for a friend of his.
How he is NOW is more important tbh xx

I don't remember DH saying he was proud of me but then I did need something 'else to manage the pain' so maybe he wasn't proud of me. Hope you never need additional assistance in labour, OP, it'll be even less TT worthy.

Are you genuinely equating the process of being pregnant and giving birth with having sex? Because believe it or not, the OP was actually there for the fun bit too, and she then gestated the baby for 9 months and gave birth. So yes, it would have been nice for her partner to have showed a bit of appreciation for what she went through.

Is he a good father? Does he look after you and his child?? Is he there when you need him to be?
Does he deal with a screaming baby, dirty nappies and share the sleepless nights?
Is he a good man, kind and generous?
If he’s all these things then, in the kindest way, you need to get over this.
Watching someone give birth can be shocking and traumatic. I’ve often thought the births of our 2 where at least as traumatic for my husband as for me. I had drugs and couldn’t see the business end!! I don’t remember most of it! I also have no memory of if my DH said anything at all to me immediately after our Dd were born!
If he’s a good father and partner cut him some slack!

I think the contrived insta / TikTok posts about stuff like this are absolute twaddle to be honest. Don't waste your actual life waiting for a TikTok moment to happen. Real life, in a traumatic event like a birth, just happens.

Focus on how he/you are as a couple/ family and don't compare to anyone else's highlight reel. X

My DH didn't tell me he was proud after ours were born.
He did help me into the shower after Dd's planned caesarean, ignored the massive wound on my stomach and the bloody sanitary pad I'd forgotten to hide from view.

He kicked up a fuss when I kept puking and looked pale after DS's forceps birth. I told him to stop fussing but turned out I'd had a pph but the epidural meant I hadn't noticed. His fussing possibly saved my life.

His love language isn't gushing or fussing. Social media in the past made me sad that he didn't say the stuff that so many other men apparently do say. But he is actually there for me when it matters. And comparison is absolutely the thief of joy

I think it’s fine to feel pride in your new born but proud of someone grunting puffing and panting and having a baby pop out their vag just makes me shudder.

I have a feeling if men gave birth, medals would be awarded for each baby.
Men exert themselves in sport - medals awarded (everyone gets a medal for running the London Marathon)
Men risk life and limb on the battlefield - medals awarded.
Men produce great works of art - prizes awarded
Men help create life - baby (traditionally) takes their surname.

Women help create life, risk their lives in childbirth (particularly before modern medicine) and spend hours of physical exertion in labour - well, silly little mothers for expecting a bit of verbal appreciation from their partners for 'puffing and panting and having a baby pop out of their vag.' Ugh. Lower your expectations, ladies, please!

And for the love of god, PLEASE don’t base your expectations on tik tok.

It’s just passive though isn’t it? The act of giving birth is out of our control. It happens to you. I just don’t think it’s comparable with fighting in a war and the huge risks, the atrocities witnessed in order to preserve the liberty of nations. Having a baby is wonderful of course and clearly bringing up moral good citizens in to this world is something to be proud of. I just don’t feel the act of giving birth requires any great accolades and fuss. It makes me feel uncomfortable . I also certainly didn’t like the PIL saying thank you because I felt like saying “ I’m not giving him to you!” But that was partly due to the history of overbearing behaviour from them, I was sensitive to it.

Men exert themselves in sport - medals awarded (everyone gets a medal for running the London Marathon)
Men risk life and limb on the battlefield - medals awarded.
Men produce great works of art - prizes awarded

Women do all those things and get awards for it, too.

I didn't need a medal for birthing my children. They WERE the reward.

Please don’t think this post and my feelings are about being “TikTok worthy”. The whole point of this post isn’t to be like the people I’ve seen, my feelings are about me, I should of made that more clear on post. I generally have these feelings about the birth but obviously seeing other peoples reactions triggers and worsens them.

Grown adults are allowed to feel emotions including pride. I’d say it’s a sign of being a mature adult, not of being a kid.