Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

UPDATE:

I should of said in original post, I’m not just feeling this way due to videos I’ve seen on timeline, so im definitely not comparing to other people. I naturally feel this way but the videos like such trigger me so much I actually just scroll past. I should of said on post. Like obviously I see the persons response at start of video, then I scroll past cos it triggers memories of how I wished he was. This post is not about me wanting to be “social media attention/ TikTok worthy” I would never personally post my birth!! I just wanted baby’s dad to be a little more supportive after the time I had being pregnant, induced and in labour.

a lot of people on this post have got the impression I wanted him to be this way to post it for social media attention. Nope! I would never post something as intimidate as birth. This post is about my feelings, I guess seeing the birth videos makes it hit harder that’s all.

I wasn’t expecting to get this much “hate” I’d call it, at the end of the day every one has things they fine emotionally harder than others. Think before you judge.

It’s just passive? Wow. I guess women really are asking for too much expecting a bit of support for growing and pushing out a baby. What about recover time? Is that asking too much too since ‘you didn’t do anything’ after all?

fwiw, just getting through the pregnancy was not passive. It was not passive making myself get up nearly every day, get dressed, force down bits of food at regular intervals and hope some stayed down. It was not passive to get things sorted for the baby and go to work instead of just staying in bed. Actively monitoring health. And there was nothing passive about pushing out a baby.

I wonder if I should of just said I felt this way in general about how he was after I’d given birth, rather than have insinuated this was just due to how I’d seen other peoples partners react on social media. I do feel this way without seeing other births.

wonder what response I would of got.

Agree with @dworky

OP you are sensing that something is missing, something you want isn't forthcoming from your partner.

You're not being precious. You're not being self indulgent.

ExH left me in the hospital while I was still in the recovery room after DC4 was born. There was a distinct lack of care toward me and little DC4 that I felt deeply. I was right to feel it. He never had any welcome for 'that baby' as he called DC4. He had disengaged from our relationship on many fundamental levels at that time. My intuition was right that he was devaluing me.

I think a man who simply doesn't engage with the experience of childbirth at all has lost sight of the fact that being in a relationship involves sacrifice sometimes. In the case of childbirth that sacrifice may mean getting over yourself enough to be there at the delivery, if not at the bedside then ready to rush straight in afterwards with joy all over his face.

But it doesn't take much sacrifice to tell the woman you love that you value and appreciate what she has gone through to bring your child into the world.

Some men are game players. They withhold affection and loving gestures until you are pathetically grateful for any small crumbs they throw your way.

I honestly couldn’t tell you what DH said…

What has he been like since?

@timeisnotaline I didn't say kids say this. I said you say it to kids.

'I'm proud of you' specifically carries an implication that you are senior to the person you are talking to.

It's not the same as 'I admire you' or 'I respect you'.

I had a boss who used to say it to me, he was in other respects a great boss but it made me squirm every time.

Anyway it's not a big deal, OP has said she felt more generally unsupported.

The same probably.

My births were a long time ago now and I literally can't remember if my husband kissed me or not. Almost certainly didn't say he was proud of me.

The first time I was more preoccupied with the baby, who she looked like, my almost forceps delivery, that I couldn't feel anything from the waist down and the doctor stitching up my episiotomy.

What really matters is that he was there during a very drawn out and at times distressing first labour, that he was an involved and good father, a loving husband and that we are still happily married over 3 decades later.

Also you say he didn't kiss you or say he was proud, so what was he doing? Getting to know this brand new person that you had just given birth to, I assume. Not buggering off for a takeaway and a good night's sleep, I take it? Once again, it wasn't a movie and not everyone does the picture perfect moment. The best thing you can do is concentrate on the other, important things in your relationship.

My ex husband decided to go and get pissed with friends so I had to give birth alone. I have the love of my adult son now and he has nothing.

@Aria999 there are no connotations of superiority with proud. A family member worked up until he died inventing and refining chemical processes. I’m so proud of his achievements. His intellect and achievements are so superior to mine! I’m proud to have worked for companies that do good things. I’m not superior to them. This superior thing is because you feel proud is uncool I think. Genuine pride is an honest sentiment no one has to be ashamed of and I’d hope my husband is proud of me.

@timeisnotaline ok, it was more a linguistic point around the specific phrase 'I'm proud of you' rather than a general comment on feelings of pride.

I take the point that apparently not everyone sees the phrase as having that connotation.

Well if it helps my DH didn’t make any dramatic statements or sweep me into his arms after DD was born! If I remember rightly he was totally silent (gobsmacked, obviously, and in awe of my female prowess… lol). And he definitely didn’t watch the baby being born as it was a forceps delivery. Cant say it’s ever bothered me, he buttered my toast afterwards and changed baby’s first nappy so I was satisfied with his role.

I have three DC and honestly don't remember my DH saying he loved me or how amazing I was but he was there throughout all three births and very supportive. After DC3 I was taken straight into surgery and he was left holding the baby! Is he a supportive partner now, that is what really matters. Also I don't think I have every seen someone else's birth video but maybe that wasn't a thing when mine were born.

I understand it's not about you wanting to be social media perfect, but I do think you should bare in mind when being triggered by these videos that the majority of people do not post birth videos on tik tok or even video the birth / moments after necessarily, so those videos probably aren't representative of how most people's partners are either - if you know you're being filmed and that film is for social media, you probably act very differently and play a role more!

In real life some dps say and do things like that and some are too busy thinking about the baby, in shock etc. I can't even remember if mine did or said those things. I do know he didn't want to be ' down the business end' or cut the cord and that's fine with me - I wanted him to be comfortable and be there for me.

However, it's hard to say from the info you give whether this is part of a wider picture of not supporting or appreciating you so that's what you need to reflect on. Apart from this one example, do you feel like that at other times? I suspect you do and that why it bothers you. That's the important issue here. However, i would think about what those other examples are, because just using this one if you decide to talk to him, or anyone else, about it does sound easily dismissed or like you had an unrealistic idealised picture of birth.

Also I think ‘triggered’ is over the top.

The response would be the same. I haven't read many comments at all here that are saying you wanted to capture a video for your own social media, but the point still stands that your perception of what happens after birth was skewed by videos you saw on social media. It doesn't matter if they are "social media stars" or not... They all still know the camera is on them and act accordingly.

You cannot help your feelings but ultimately you cannot change what happened either so you can continue to dwell on it or focus on the positive parts and move on. Is he generally a good supportive person or was that the beginning of a lack of support you thought you'd get?

The response would be the same. I haven't read many comments at all here that are saying you wanted to capture a video for your own social media, but the point still stands that your perception of what happens after birth was skewed by videos you saw on social media. It doesn't matter if they are "social media stars" or not... They all still know the camera is on them and act accordingly.

Exactly. People who know they're on camera rarely want to show anything less than the very best side of themselves. It's a permanent record of how you will be remembered after all. You know someone is taking your picture, you smile. And if you don't, you're encouraged to. A man is on camera having witnessed his partner do what he could never do, ofc he's going to be effusive with praise and adoration. Or he's been told to be. I'm willing to bet a lot of those men didn't want to watch baby being born as well. But with a camera on them, they had to look. Got to be seen in a positive light after all.

OP you having watched these videos before birth with no experience of what... well the actual experience is like has influenced you. And unfortunately algorithms are going to algorithm, so you're going to keep getting them. A break from social media, or even making a new account to get away from these videos will do you the world of good.

It's hard to get past injustices, even if they're perceived (I should know), but time will fade the hurt. Hopefully your partner's present future actions will help as well. And if you have another child, make him very aware of what you expect ahead of time.

Social media has a lot to answer for...

I don't think my husband said he was proud of me after I gave birth either. He did make some daft jokes, the first time about the indignity of it all, and the second time about how I'd only had 2 paracetamol (not through choice, there wasn't time for anything else) so I must be hard as nails. 🤣

It never occurred to me to be monitoring what he did or didn't say. As others have said, he is a fully present and involved father. That is the bit that matters.

How is triggered over the top? It does trigger me and trigger negative emotions. It’s my emotions.

Nobody here can help you or understand you better if you constantly ignore the many people who have asked is he supportive now or is there an underlying issue? 😅

Was he actually present at the birth . I am not quite following why you are so upset . Sorry .

I know that, I’m just responding to this answer saying I wouldn’t say the word “triggered” is dramatic. To be honest seems most people on this thread are more bothered about judging or thinking I’m crazy than helping. Wish I hadn’t of bothered.

Does he usually speak like that? Like would he usually be all gooey for want of a better word? Me and dh wouldn't be all effusive like that so it would have been very out of character for dh to suddenly turn into a mushy sort of guy when I had given birth. My kids are teens now and I can't really remember the immediate aftermath and what was said but we probably laughed and cracked jokes because that's what we do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me and doesn't think that growing and pushing out a human is awesome. How your dh is treating you is the actual true test of how he feels, words are cheap.

Well done you! 🙄

I'm pretty sure DH didn't gush or tell me he loved me and was proud. Tbf, I was unconscious after having my first and unwell after my 2nd so wouldn't remember but there were certainly no hallmark moments.

But my dh is an equal partner in every respect, has always done 50/50 and is a considerate, respectful, thoughtful and committed partner.

I think it's normal to hang a lot of birth trauma on single inconsequential moments because otherwise, there's nowhere to "put it" iyswim. The reality and the expectation are usually poles apart. If he's otherwise a good partner and father, I'd have a look at how YOU feel about the birth. If he's not an otherwise a good partner and father, I'd have a look at how YOU feel about him.

You’ve had some very measured, sympathetic and helpful responses from people who are concerned about you and wanted to offer their support and quite considerable wisdom. There’s been very little engagement from you on those. Of course you’re not obligated to answer questions such as ‘is he a loving, supportive partner and a committed, present father day-to-day?’, but if you want to be able to feel differently it would be helpful to have some engagement at least so that people can tailor their advice and help you work through things to a solution.

Instead you talk about ‘hate’ (there’s really not been any hate here - people disagreeing with you, suggesting that your expectations might be skewed and trying to help, or even people being harsh, is not hate). Sometimes actual help requires hearing things you do not want to hear, because people patting you on the head and saying, oh hun, you’re right, poor you, ’ isn’t actually going to help you.

If you only wanted responses saying what you wanted to hear and validation of your feelings to the exclusion of all else then honestly, Mumsnet probably isn’t for you* - here we really value honest, realistic, sometimes even very difficult advice. There are some idiots who love putting the boot in too, but that’s life! It helps to build resilience.

*Stick around though - MN has a wealth of knowledge and expertise, lots of women willing to support and help and, despite its reputation as a vipers’ nest, has helped thousands and thousands of women through many very difficult times.