Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

Yeah my husband told me he thought I was "superwoman" after having our daughter and I thought it was gross. Thousands of women did the same thing that day. (I didn't say that obviously)

OP if he wasn't in the room when you gave birth I understand your disappointment, but if you literally wanted him to watch the baby come out of your vagina I think that's a bit unreasonable. A lot of people don't want to see that.

DH found DCs birth quite traumatising (although hes not squeamish) as he felt helpless when my labour started to unravel (all well in the end though!). I was high on all the drugs they could give me, plus endorphins, so dont remember if either of us really congratulated each other as we were very much focussed on our DC and hugely relieved.
I'd be judging him more on how hands on he is with your child now.

Instabirths should be banned imo as comparisons at such a vulnerable and emotional time are the thief of happiness. If you're struggling I'd limit social media and speak to your health visitor.
If he's not a helpful hands on dad you need to sit down and discuss how he should be stepping up.

It would not occur to me to specifically say 'I'm proud of you' after birth, if I was a man.

You need to stop watching other people. You don't need to be comparing whether you got the perfect photo of him carrying the car seat out of the hospital, or the dress up pictures of baby.

Has he made you feel appreciated otherwise? Does he look after ds?

If your partner is now fully engaged and involved with you & your baby, I really wouldn’t worry. I’m another one who’d cringe at my DH telling me he’s proud of me for giving birth by the way.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

He could have been feeling overwhelmed and in shock. Did he fall in love with the baby and show his affection in other ways to you? Or are you saying he was uninterested and distant about the whole thing?

There's a massive difference in the two.

Seriously? My partner was definitely not present at either of the births of the kids. Neither would I have wanted him there.

No kissing or proud stuff either. Just got on with the business of having given birth and the exhaustion!

I’m sorry you didn’t feel appreciated. Birth is hard.

Social media has a hell of a lot to answer for.

Is he a present and involved father? That is what should matter.

I feel the same

DH didn’t tell me he was proud of me, I’d find that odd tbh, and he stayed at the top whilst they were pulling DS out with ventouse. He declined to cut the cord and didn't want to hold DS until after he was wiped clean and put in a babygrow by the midwife whilst the obstetrician sutured me up.

After 32 hours of sleeplessness whilst I was in labour, DH stayed long enough for me to have a shower then left me in the delivery suit and went home for a Kip. The poor HCA was left to push me and carry my bag up to the ward!

OP have you asked him how he felt about the birth? He may well have found it traumatic tbh.

I recently saw a TT a woman had posted of her husband retching whilst she was pushing, poor fella! Not everyone has the birth they, or their partners imagine, and that’s okay. If you are struggling with little things upsetting you then it would be best to have a chat to the Dr to discuss how you are feeling.

Congratulations on your DS

I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

genuine question - how many birthing videos have you watched? Is it normal for your friends to invite you over to watch them?

Is he usually super gushy with his words? If it’s not his style I think you’re just being emotional and over the top. If he’s a decent partner and dad you’re putting way too much thought into this. I can’t even remember what mine said / did after DD was born. I do remember she shit all down him when they were doing skin to skin as I was being stitched up

My midwife kissed me on my forehead and told me she was proud of me. No partner - just me and her.
There again she was an angel 👼

Do you think you may have a bit of PND?

This is not normal behaviour and it’s concerning why something so small and irrelevant is such a big deal to you.

I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

I can bet my bottom dollar every single one of these videos are fake to a certain extent! Every person knows the camera is on them, and acts accordingly! Social media is fake. Some people don't post videos of anything that makes them look anything less than perfect! Don't be fooled!

He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted.

Ok but what did he want? It can be quite traumatic for a lot of people, it's certainly not something I would like to watch! His choice surely? My DP was already told me he'll be staying up with me, he doesn't want to see anything going on down there. And as well as that, did you ever say to him that you wanted him to watch?

Unfortunately all of these things are in the past. You can sit and dwell and be disappointed or you can say to yourself "I gave birth to an amazing child that myself and DP created. I am so proud of us and my amazing body" and get on with it!

This.

Its perfectly normal to want to feel valued and appreciated by those you love and who love you. Giving birth is the most physically and mentally arduous thing that most women do, as well as one of the most risky. It is also the thing that changes their and their partner's lives forever. Its perfectly normal to want to feel acknowledged and appreciated after such a monumental event in your life, and one which was bloody hard too.

How has he been since OP? Has he shown appreciation since of your role in birthing your child, or your role in caring for your child ( as the burden falls particularly on mothers especially in the baby phase).

Social media has a hell of a lot to answer for.

That.

I don't remember anything much about those seconds. What I did discover quite a lot later, after my nephews birth, when my DH and BIL were talking about their experiences in the labour room, was just how traumatic my DH had found the whole thing. He'd never told me, because he knew he had to stay strong and that he was supposed to just be ecstatic about the baby's arrival.

I'd not seen it from that perspective before, so to be honest, I wouldn't be expecting Instagram video perfection from any new father at that point. Their heads must be all over the place.

Oh definitely! It goes without saying that OP isn’t unreasonable for having wanted to feel appreciated/valued and I fervently hope that the man in question did show her (and continues to show her) in other ways that she is valued and appreciated by him and that he understood how much she’s gone through to give life to this child. However that doesn’t necessarily translate to him having to have said specific words to her in that moment, nor to having to behave in a certain way. Especially if that expectation is based on tv/social media.

That is not an equivalence by any means, on any terms. FGS.

Shitty thing to say. This isn’t AIBU and you’re out of order.

My husband didn't kiss me or tell me he was proud of me. He was focussed on our baby first time and flat on his back having passed out second time me (new high bp medication and it bottomed out).
But I knew he was absolutely thrilled and delighted and couldn't stop smiling at me or the babies. I didn't need him to verbalise it.
How you partner is now with you and your child is important- not a kiss.

OP, my DH didn't say or do that either. But sometimes what is not said is more meaningful than what is said.

What is he like in general? Is he a good father?

I get it, I felt a bit 'let down' by my DH at the birth of both our children. He's not in anyway romantic and can actually be quite thoughtless, emotionless and clumsy with his social skills in general so it would have been weirder if he did suddenly kiss me or burst into tears etc. A hug would have been nice from my perspective at that point but I wouldn't normally want a hug either (I'm not a touchy feely person) so he wouldn't have thought to have done so. I think he actually patted me on the head like a dog

I think stepping away from birth videos and social media might be a good thing. These 'wonderful moments' people post up are not the norm and can make you feel really rubbish

Birth can be a pretty alarming, upsetting or distressing thing to witness. My DH faced resolutely away from the messy end and sat near me facing me. The labour scared him, the violence of the emergency section doubly so. (Things can get pretty alarming in a real emergency)

I don’t think he kissed me or showered me with praise, but my recollections are a bit fuzzy.

Even the calm and (for me) wonderfully healing experience of my third birth had him looking away and scared for me and the baby.

Insta-worthy moments aren’t real life, OP. As long as he loves and values you and the baby, let your social media FOMO go. It’s unhealthy.

You do realise that most of those videos you see are staged. Life isn’t like the films!
Why do you need so much validation? Does your partner generally make you feel insecure?