Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

My husband was down the business end when our babies were born. He and the mw had a great old chat about the mechanics of it all. He thought it was the most amazing thing he’d ever witnessed. He was very excited to be able to tell me what sex our baby was, and to cut the cord. He isn’t a cryer generally but he had watery eyes when he told me I was ‘amazing’. I think he was surprised and impressed at how much strength and energy labour requires. There was nothing scripted or rehearsed about any of it and it was lovely. I felt very loved and valued by him in that moment.

Luckily he was also (and still is) a great and very involved dad. The support didn’t stop in the delivery room so I have continued to feel valued (mostly) in the many years since those birth days.

OP, your feelings are valid, but I don’t think your partner did anything wrong in not being emotional or gushing at the birth. As others have said, the important thing is how supported you feel now and as time goes on.

These comments 🫣 your partner most definitely should have told you how proud he was and kissed you! My partner definitely did, and covered the house in balloons/flowers etc. not for tik tok ... just because! Speak to him OP! and congratulations ❤️

I’m guessing that OP might not feel very supported now and that might be why she’s stuck in that moment and feeling this way. @Anonymous2022xx this is the sort of thing that often happens when PND is present - the mind latches on to things and gets stuck in a pattern of feeling stuck there. If you’re struggling with it daily then do mention it to someone so you can get some help with it. Are you okay otherwise in your daily life? I don’t think you’ve answered that but it is quite important.

Lots of people are trying to engage with your feelings and help though, by asking about things like how supportive he is generally and was the at the birth, and you aren't answering.

And most of the people who have mentioned the videos aren't judging, just trying to make you feel feel better by giving you an alternative perspective.
Believe me, I wouldn't judge anyone for their feelings around childbirth or having a newborn! I found it a very emotionally complex time and it is easy to get hung up on certain details when in fact your feelings are about bigger things or just how much change there is generally, or having found the birth a bit traumatic maybe. I think people are asking questions and making suggestions to try and help you reflect on this and think about if any of those might be the case, or if your dh is in the wrong, not because they are calling you crazy!

What were you hoping to gain by posting?

My DH was crap at the birth @Anonymous2022xx .
I'd had a whole week of labour, zero progression, eventually had everything under the sun to help move things along, nothing moved along, so an emergency section it was. Husband was great during the operation but shit once in the recovery ward. He looked miserable, acted miserable, not bothered about baby, didn't stay long but couldn't stay the night either as it was covid, I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a headache/migraine coming on... I felt sick listening to the couple coo over their baby in the next bay. I was so distraught.
He's much better now thankfully but it ruined my experience.

It didn't help I saw the best Dad run out ecstatic and telling the whole of triage how his wife was amazing and she'd done it the week or 2 before.

When I had my first baby I was on a ward with three other women. We had all had difficult births. When our families came in one of the women's mothers came up to her and said "I am so proud of you" and the rest of us burst into tears. Sometimes that's all you want to hear when you've been through a really difficult time.

I think it goes without saying that it’s not at all unreasonable of OP to have wanted to hear that he was proud of her. But being stuck there in that moment months later is not healthy and remaining stuck there indefinitely will be very bad for her. Validation of feelings can only go so far - after that it’s important to work through it and be free of it. Otherwise OP will continue to struggle.

You still haven’t really answered any of the questions about how he is as a partner or father in general.
Is he normally a person who is very verbal with their emotions and outwardly demonstrative?? If not why would be expecting it to be different in this scenario?
You cannot change the past. I think you need to find some way/help to deal with way you feel about this. And then IF he is a good father and partner then you need to try and forgive this and move on.
From what little you’ve told us it seems like you are obsessing over a very small thing that has the potential to ruin your first months with your baby and your relationship.

That's great that your DH did this things but I don't think "should' is helpful. It seems like OP was expecting her partner to follow up script he didn't even know existed and posts like these are why.

My dh was very supportive but in his case that took the form of using the time he had to sit with me an newborn dc in hospital as much as he could, getting some sleep in the only time he wasn't allowed in the hospital so we weren't both exhausted, and then when we came home running around doing the cooking bringing me drinks and snacks when breastfeeding, changing nappies, finding an emergency chemist on Xmas day when my stitches were infected, going out to buy me more pads etc. I'd us d Bern surprised if he'd taken time out of all that to go shopping for enough balloons am flowers to fill the house to be honest! There was enough stuff in the house as it was!

Im not saying there is anything wrong with showing his love and support in the ways you said, but they aren't the only ways so I'm wondering how OPs partner behaves generally and what he us like with the newborn etc.

That sounds like a massive waste of money to me. I don't want balloons and flowers with a new baby. I want a hot bath, a decent nights sleep and a Chinese takeaway.

My point was not to suggest you wanted to make your own social media videos, but to question why you had the expectation of a performative response from him in the first place other than by watching documentaries/social media?

I have never watched that stuff and it would not have occurred to me to expect my partner to react the way you think yours should have and therefore I could not have been disappointed he didn't.

Your feelings are your feelings but it is legitimate to reflect on what thought processes and expectations are driving them, because you can control the latter two.

As others have said, if he is generally loving and supportive then damaging your relationship because he didn't perform according to a fantasy you held is unwise. If he's not generally loving and supportive then this is symbolic of that and opens different considerations.

It's your choice whether to engage with people trying to offer you options of paths to explore that can take you forward (whether privately or by posting) or just to dig in with defensiveness and stay stuck. I wish you all the best either way.

She didn’t say she had a ‘script’ - she just wanted some appreciation and affection and for her DP to acknowledge what she’d done.

My DH was the same OP - he never said he was proud of me (3 babies, no pain relief) or that I was amazing etc. He’s my ex now.

YANBU

Can’t we have takeaways, replacement pads AND flowers? It’s not unreasonable to want a bit of fanfare and spoiling is it? From your own hubby after the birth of a baby?!

Am I supposed to be telling the women in my life that I'm "proud" of them for giving birth? I've never heard anyone talking that way about childbirth offline.

There is no "should" about expressions of "pride" .

Let alone "definitely should" . That's nonsense.

Some people evidently feel that way and verbalise that, which is fine - but it's not some universal rule that all new fathers must feel and express "pride" in the mother for labouring. Don't be ridiculous.

My DH was in shock with both of ours! DD was our first so obviously he wasn't prepared for all the emotions, and DS was a very traumatic birth so he was all over the place mentally, so I didn't get much affection from him either, doesn't mean they don't appreciate you! But everyone just thinks it's hard for the woman, no one stops to think about the mental toll men go through.
My DH also didn't want to watch it children 'being born' which I can completely understand! It's hardly pretty!

plus, let’s be honest, pretty much all births are ‘traumatic’ and a bit shocking to watch. As women we’re used to blood, undignified procedures etc, men aren’t - they don’t see it the same way we do I think. I think their main emotion is just relief it’s over and they can finally do something to help.

Of course in an ideal world. My point was only that different people show love differently and want to be shown love differently. I can think of lots of other things I would rather my dh had done in the time / money it would have taken to fill the house with balloons and flowers, other people would have loved it. And actually time isn't infinite so you can't always have everything. And also if I'd got the idea from the Internet or videos that the right way for act was to gush about how proud he was of me and then buy loads of balloons or flowers, I would have been disappointed because dh wouldn't have seen those things on the Internet and wouldn't know that's what I expected. As it is I know that wouldn't be my husbands personality, so I'd have been more surprised if he had done those things!

I suppose the issue is whether your ideas of showing each other love and appreciation are compatible. Op needs to consider if this is part of a bigger picture or not.

@Anonymous2022xx we need more context

DH didn't watch my twins being pulled out cos frankly he'd have passed out. He watched me. He held a baby

Was your DP playing on his phone, eyeing up the nurse, looking at you, staring out the window?

I have no idea what DH said afterwards. But I also didn't have a romantised idea in my head of him embracing me, smothering me in kisses and telling me I'd done him proud, pushing his heir out into the universe. It's unfair to berate your DP for not knowing you had an internalised script. However, what did he say? Wow, he's beautiful is v different to him huffing and walking off or declaring thank fuck you've shut up screaming etc

But then you have to deal with the dying flowers and keeping them away from the baby and allergies etc

I think flowers are shit gifts

I don’t think there is any ‘supposed to’ about it.

I’ve never told my female friends or relatives that I’m proud of them after they’ve given birth. I don’t really feel it’s my place to be ‘proud of’ other adults (except perhaps my DH, eg if he’s worked really hard at something or achieved something remarkable) but I will often say something like ‘well done’ or ‘that sounds really tough/hard work but you did it!’

Depends on the person but usually we know our friends and relatives well enough to know whether they are the sort of person who would enjoy having a bit of a fuss made of them or not. Some women (many?) just can’t imagine ourselves being able to give birth and are terrified about it. Once it’s happened, we say to ourselves ‘I can’t believe I did that!’ (And this applies whether a vaginal birth or C-Section; we might just be overwhelmed and stunned that we have managed to grow a human and bring them into existence) so we feel proud of that. Having that reflected back to us from our loved ones can be really lovely, though of course I accept it’s not what all women want.

Well, that’s you. I enjoyed having lovely flowers in the living room which smelled divine and made it feel like a sense of occasion! And for the record DH cleared them away 😉

And I got pissed off with flowers and bloody helium balloons. What is the point of helium balloons? Just seem like unnecessary waste to me, but I realise lots of people like them.

When I had my son, my ILs turned up with some ludicrously big balloons and a huge bouquet. We had a small house at the time and in my post-birth exhaustion, I just felt annoyed. Especially as the ILs just plonked themselves on the sofa and expected DH to make them hot drinks. I liked the kind of visitors who turned up with food, made everyone a cup of tea or popped some laundry on 😬

However, I recognise that my ILs are essentially nice people who show their love with material stuff. I don’t appreciate the stuff, but I do appreciate that there are genuine feelings behind the stuff.

I can only imagine the MN response if ‘MIL, without asking, started rummaging through my laundry’ 😄