Upset partner didn’t kiss me or tell me he was proud after I give birtn

[Anonymous2022xx]

I gave birth in May. I’m really struggling with silly things upsetting me, it really upsets me that my fiancé didn’t kiss me after the birth or tell me I did amazing or that he’s proud. Feels like he didn’t appreciate me. I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation.

i understand it was a shock and busy time for him too, but I feel like it took the magic away from the moment. He didn’t watch my son be born either which I really wanted. Can’t help but feel so let down by his lack of pride in me after the birth :(

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

@Wouldloveanother I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t like it 😂 Actually, my MIL did spend ages folding a load of cloth nappies and sleepsuits that had just come out of the wash. I’d forgotten about that but I loved her for it.

Why fold? Impractical! Just shove in a drawer! 😁

She is the type of person who folds and irons everything 😬

I don’t iron anything but if you have limited storage space, you can fit more stuff in a drawer if it is folded.

Just realised I have absolutely no idea what my husband did or said in the minutes after DDs birth.

I was so focused on her and on having my stitches done and then back on her again that they could have driven a lorry convoy through the room and I don't think I would have noticed it.

Then it was time for me to shower and then to take DD up to the postnatal ward and DH went home. He might have given me a kiss and said something nice, he might omit, he might have sang a little ditty. I've no clue. When we got home the next day we were both just gaga for DD, I remember her sneezing, and doing that cute little mouth pout, I remember her crying for several hours solid until I gave up on trying to breastfeed and gave her one of the emergency bottles, I remember thinking watching her sleep was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen but DH could have come out with an earth shattering scientific discovery about the existence of aliens and I'd have just nodded I think.

I feel like writing' Get off Instagram' on every post on Mumsnet lately.

You do realise people are trying to outdo each other with photos/videos/announcements etc? It's not real, it's faked for show.

I have no idea if my DH said 'well done' or I'm proud or anything else. We were too busy smiling at newborn DD!

My husband may or may not have kissed me after giving birth - I have no idea. I definitely can’t remember anything he said!

The last thing I was thinking about when I'd just given birth was kissing my husband and getting it all on video to demonstrate to everyone what a perfect family we were. I really couldn't imagine someone saying how proud they were of me either - it wasn't like I had a choice, that baby was coming out whether I liked it or not! And if I wanted to scream like a banshee then I would (and did)! If you want someone to be proud of you though then why not be proud of yourself?

If you feel generally like he doesn't appreciate you then that is different, but focusing on one moment and being unhappy that is wasn't the fairy tale that other people have on their tictok then YABU. Why were you relying on him to provide the magic anyway? Surely it was all about your baby?

I didn’t mean I was relying on him to provide the magic, of course it was a magical experience and I was focused on my baby. I just expected a little more from him that’s all

Keeping flowers away from the baby? They aren't triffids! They don't move and neither does the baby!!!

@Gr33ngr33ngr4ss I meant more positioning them in the right place 😂

Pmsl

Men exert themselves in sport - medals awarded (everyone gets a medal for running the London Marathon)
Men risk life and limb on the battlefield - medals awarded.
Men produce great works of art - prizes awarded
Men help create life - baby (traditionally) takes their surname

Women get medals for those things too.

A little more than what? You haven't said what he DID do or what he is like now. It's impossible to judge your situation, apart from answering your question about kissing and professing pride. Most people have said that they literally can't remember or that their husband did neither of those things and they don't care one way or another. That doesn't reassure you?

No it doesn’t reassure me that they didn’t care or remember because that’s them, not me. Thankyou though x

You still haven't said what you meant by him not watching. Did you actually want him down, watching the baby come out? Because that's 100% the choice of whoever doesn't want it.

If mum doesn't want dad watching, he doesn't watch, even if he wants to.
If mum wants him to watch, but he doesn't, that's dad's choice, he is under no obligation.

Dad only watches if both parents agree. I find it disgusting if you were trying to force him to watch, so I hope you mean he wasn't in the room (in which case, why not?!)

I don't think my DH said he was proud or kissed me, although he could have told me he was the King of England and I wouldn't remember, but I can't fault him for that, as he's not that sort of "hallmark movie" person. Which is fair enough, he doesn't think of sweet things and I'd need to give him a shove if I needed anything like that.

Stop worrying about what people on Social Media put out there, most of the time it's not a true reality. You need to understand that this "dream" of the perfect delivery is just that. Not every delivery goes as planned and in that moment the way a person reacts cannot be choreographed into this expectation of the "perfect picture" you have in your head. Sometimes its messy as is life in general. You have a healthy child with the man you love and he was there for the whole thing. Don't dirty it with expectations that didn't turn out like other peoples photo's.

Tbf I was high on morphine both times after emergency C-sections so the Ex could have come in wearing a pro-Brexit t-shirt with a Boris wig on & I would’ve kissed him anyway.

Sorry I realise that’s not exactly applicable to your situation but you need to heed some of these wiser Vipers and step away from the socials, no one ever puts their mundane or average experiences on, it’s all a fallacy. Tbh what’s more concerning is that you don’t know that- ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ etc plus most online braggers are full of 💩.

I think alot of people have missed the point where I said I feel like this even without seeing the videos. My feelings aren’t influenced by what I’ve seen on social media, i already felt that way.

You still haven’t said whether or not he was present for the birth ?

Sorry OP I was going by your initial post where you said I feel so jealous when I see other peoples videos after birth their partner showing them so much affectation and appreciation

Could be worse though, my cousin fainted while his son was being born and was in no fit state to congratulate anyone for a good hour <lighthearted - or trying to be>

You feel let down. That's OK. Your expectations weren't met. That's nothing you can change. It'd be healthy to talk to him about it and move on. I felt let down but eventually got over it. Next time I'll leave instructions as to what I want to come home to I want the works!

A lot of dads are shell shocked and over whelmed during labour. My husband said to me once that he's never felt so useless, hated seeing me in pain, and was absolutely terrified the entire time. He certainly didn't want to watch the actual birth, a lot don't - unreasonable to be upset with him about that, that's entirely his choice to make.
Do you even remember your exact thoughts the second your baby arrived? I certainly wasn't thinking about my DH, I was shocked this baby had come out that was mine!
He was probably focused on the baby and his feelings around that.
I think being this triggered by videos in relation to him not acting how you wanted, isn't necessarily "normal", and might be a sign of underlying PND.
Think you're being a bit hard on him tbh.

They’re clearly being exacerbated by those videos though. You compared your situation directly to them in your OP and said that you feel so jealous when you see other dads being outwardly demonstrative after deliveries. It’s no good trying to say that it’s not relevant and that people are missing the point - it clearly is relevant - you mentioned it because it does matter to you and it’s affecting how you feel now, as you said yourself.

You say you feel let down at his lack of pride in you. Words are not the only way to let someone know that you’re proud of them and that you appreciate the monumental physical and psychological effort/demands they went through to carry and deliver a child. That’s what people are trying to say and that’s what you need to focus on in order to stop struggling with this. Because if your fiancé shows you every day that he values you, that he understands (to an extent, at least) what you went through and that he’s proud of you, then obsessing over the words he didn’t say at that moment is keeping you needlessly hurting and stopping you healing. On the other hand, if he’s not a decent man - if he doesn’t value you, doesn’t understand (to an extent, at least) what you went through, and doesn’t feel proud of you, and doesn’t show you that daily by his actions & interactions with you, then him saying some words to you at that moment would have meant absolutely nothing - it wouldn’t have made everything okay and it wouldn’t have made that moment any more magical.

Having said that, I agree with @Buddingbudlia - it’s understandable that you felt let down. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.

I think you do need to talk to him about it if you haven’t already. Sometimes talking it through honestly can help you to put it to bed. Your expectations weren’t met. And as pp said, it’s okay to feel let down by that. However you can’t change it now, so you have to make your peace with it. You really have to try not to hyper-focus on it because it won’t be healthy for you.

aww hun thats a man who know's what matters 😍❤️💜