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Original poster

I don't want to live with my child anymore.

594 replies

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:44

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

OP posts:
Thread gallery
15
Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:46

I don't mean I don't want to live with younger DS, I do, I would take him with me that's the main point - protecting him

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 16/06/2023 15:48

It'd be a bit brutal but could you ask to put him in foster care for the safety of your younger child? Might not happen but could prompt them to look at better support.

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 15:49

I am guessing he’s not on meds?

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:50

cupofdecaf · 16/06/2023 15:48

It'd be a bit brutal but could you ask to put him in foster care for the safety of your younger child? Might not happen but could prompt them to look at better support.

Thats not an option unfortunately, just because it isn't that simple.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 16/06/2023 15:51

OP

He's 12. That's above the age of criminal responsibility.
Don't let the police get away with doing nothing - if needed go and complain through their various mechanism, including the ombudsman.

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 15:51

My son is same age and has ADHD

and what you describe goes way beyond him not being ND

has he been diagnosed?

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 15:51

What’s he like at school?

SchoolShenanigans · 16/06/2023 15:52

Your poor 4 yr old (and poor you).

Such a tough situation. If you've done everything you reasonably can, then I would call social services and ask how you arrange care for your son.

You mention living separately from your husband, each with 1 child. If this would work, can you sell the home and both rent?

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:53

HandsupSue · 16/06/2023 15:51

My son is same age and has ADHD

and what you describe goes way beyond him not being ND

has he been diagnosed?

Beyond him not being ND?

Are you saying because your child
does not do this, then ADHD isnt the cause of my child doing this?

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 16/06/2023 15:53

That sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry.

Have you any money to go private for medical help/therapy? I had an incredibly destructive and aggressive six year old and that was going to be our only option for him, GP and school didn't care and because he behaved well at school nobody would refer us anywhere. Thankfully he calmed down a bit and we are now able to manage but we would have gone private if that hadn't happened.

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:53

SchoolShenanigans · 16/06/2023 15:52

Your poor 4 yr old (and poor you).

Such a tough situation. If you've done everything you reasonably can, then I would call social services and ask how you arrange care for your son.

You mention living separately from your husband, each with 1 child. If this would work, can you sell the home and both rent?

We would never sell the house.

That would solve nothing and screw us over enormously. I can't even consider that for a second.

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 16/06/2023 15:54

No I think she's saying perhaps it's not only ADHD, perhaps there's other issues.
What's the likely timeline for medication?
Why can't you look at foster care?
Does he go to school?

ThinWomansBrain · 16/06/2023 15:54

my sympathies - I had a friend who was in this situation for years.
If it's any consolation, she did grow out of it in her 20s.

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:55

mistermagpie · 16/06/2023 15:53

That sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry.

Have you any money to go private for medical help/therapy? I had an incredibly destructive and aggressive six year old and that was going to be our only option for him, GP and school didn't care and because he behaved well at school nobody would refer us anywhere. Thankfully he calmed down a bit and we are now able to manage but we would have gone private if that hadn't happened.

I'm a nurse and next pay date getting the back payment of the 5% payrise.

Im torn as to whether to spend the extra money going private and getting meds (2k) or using it to put down a deposit.

CAMHS is close to giving us an appointment, within the next few months.

And meds don't guarantee it would
stop.

OP posts:
supersonicginandtonic · 16/06/2023 15:56

That sounds so stressful. My son has ADHD and he was offered medication straight away and we're not happy I wanted to try without.
I think he must have sone underlying issues too as this isn't normal. What the police say is right though, they can't do anything. It's not their remit. Have you thought of asking for a interim care order, section 20? You can voluntarily put your child into foster care if you feel you can no longer cope.
What have social care said?

Sirzy · 16/06/2023 15:56

Sounds s nightmare.

why isn’t he medicated yet?

it does sound like this is much more than just ADHD. What support has been given? What happens in school?

are you getting support for your mental health?

Heronwatcher · 16/06/2023 15:56

Firstly this sounds incredibly tough, sorry you’re all going through this.

What have social services said? Is there no way that they can expedite the medication? Have you asked if he can have a placement in residential/ psychological care until he receives the medication and improves? Is he under the care of an ADHD clinic- if not when was he referred? It sounds like medication is definitely necessary and I’m shocked that things have got so bad already.

It definitely does seem like you need a break though- could you and your 4YO spend a few days with family- leaving your DH with your eldest? I don’t think moving out is a long term solution and it may make things much worse for your eldest.

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:56

cupofdecaf · 16/06/2023 15:54

No I think she's saying perhaps it's not only ADHD, perhaps there's other issues.
What's the likely timeline for medication?
Why can't you look at foster care?
Does he go to school?

There are no other issues, he has two stable loving parents with full times jobs, he has lovely brothers, he has friends, we live in a large house in a nice area.

He's had bad tantrums since he was 3, the only difference now is the added hormones and strength and stamina he has behind him.

OP posts:
AmberGer · 16/06/2023 15:56

I would push and push and push SS with this. It is a major safeguarding concern. You're all at risk of harm with him in the house.
He also needs to get help. This isn't fair on any of you. Don't back down on this.

mistermagpie · 16/06/2023 15:57

I would spend the money, if you can, on getting him the right medication. It may or may not helps, I know, but if it does it could keep your family together. This must be all so confusing for your 4 year old and I totally understand your need to protect him, but he will also be harmed by you and his dad essentially splitting up.

PuffinsRocks · 16/06/2023 15:57

What is he so angry about? What is he fixating on at 11pm at night when there's no direct stimulus there to set him off? I have ADHD and know what hyperactive emotions can do to a person and if I'm angry it's directly because something has set me off. Can you work with him to identify the cause of the anger (with a view to working out how to manage it) or will he not engage with that?

Original poster
ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 16/06/2023 15:57

AmberGer · 16/06/2023 15:56

I would push and push and push SS with this. It is a major safeguarding concern. You're all at risk of harm with him in the house.
He also needs to get help. This isn't fair on any of you. Don't back down on this.

I have pushed and pushed and pushed.

this didn't occur yesterday.

it's been going on for years.

I really need advice on the living situation, not advise on what I have already done.

I feel so sick

OP posts:
PuffinsRocks · 16/06/2023 15:59

Also yes if you've got money for rent on a second place I strongly recommend you spend it on Psychiatry UK get an ADHD assessment (if you don't already have one) or send in your existing one and get a review appointment and they can do medication. Their waiting list for assessments is about 6 months and the waiting list for their titration team is about 18 weeks currently so much quicker than NHS and they can post the medication to you (although you have to pay full price for it).

NewNovember · 16/06/2023 15:59

Has he been assessed for asd too, having a dual diagnosis can make things more challenging and the strategies can be different.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 16/06/2023 16:00

Report his crimes to the police. And they are crimes. Damage to property, assault, endangering a child.

Tell SS your mental health means you cannot cope with looking after him and that you are at the point of mental breakdown. Speak to the GP about the damage he has done to your mental health to get medical proof. A reason fo have a child voluntarily put in care is if their parents cannot care for them for physical or mental health reasons.

Alternatively, could you afford for him to go to boarding school, or a state boarding school, so he was away from home most of the time and didn’t cause a threat to you or your youngest child?

It sounds so awful for you and your husband and especially your youngest who you just want to have a safe life. I’m so sorry.