Page 24 | I don't want to live with my child anymore.

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 2023-06-16T14:44:37+00:00

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are. My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication. We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth. Ive called the police, Ive called social services. Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc. He comes into my room at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item. Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental strength yet. I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells. he's kicked off already today and probably will again later. 4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him? i don't want to live with him either. can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from UC? I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent? It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap. is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break? What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall. I've spoken to CAMHS Social services police school GP written to MP Head of children services other services besides I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

toosweaty · 22/06/2023 14:02

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 22/06/2023 11:58

First off, a punching bag.
So this will be a short term solution but in the living room so it's visual and close, with a taped off section (just a little tape on the floor) so the little one knows not to step into that area to keep him safe, but part of the plan would be that id remove him from the situation anyway, which is what we currently do.
Second of all, my husband leaves him to it as well.

DH has been "hanging around" him when he is erupting (we are now using that word instead of "kicking off" which is the phrase we were using at home) to make sure he is safe and prevent him doing more damage to the home.
I've told DH that he calms down quicker when he's left on his own. DS said exactly that yesterday. When he feels himself calming down, his dad will pop his head round the door and that instantly makes the anger come back.

So he kicked off again last night, shocker 🙄
And the eruptions were much shorter because DH walked away as well.

That's not to say damage didn't occur because it did. But it was shorter bursts.

Show quote history

I think that sounds really positive. I know it's early days, I know DS still erupted, but you found a coping mechanism that might make it more bearable over time.

Whilst I still imagine, from what I read, your son's behaviour is likely caused by neurodiversity - ADHD and autism - and therefore requires different approaches - you might find making consistent tweaks/changes across existing approaches makes a big difference.

Your DH will be acting out of love, checking in on your DS. But I know when I'm railing against the world, I just want to be left alone!

We do so many things out of love for our DC, but sometimes they're just not the right things, however well intentioned

drspouse · 22/06/2023 17:29

We have shifted our DS' afternoon meds top up dose much later (it was 12.30, yesterday we meant to do 3 but did 3.30) and had a MUCH calmer tea time. When you get meds, do try shifting the doses around in time as this can make a big difference.

Kate8700 · 29/10/2023 06:58

I'm going through the exact same thing.

My 12 year old has adhd and odd and is abusive.

He does all the things your son does.

I tried to get child services to take him but they won't.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 29/10/2023 14:58

@Kate8700 So sorry you are going through this. I hope that you get some support soon, it must be so stressful and difficult to cope.

BreathingDeep · 30/10/2023 16:25

OP, how are things going now? I've thought about you a lot over the past few months and wondered how things are going.

Have you had made any progress with help, support or medication?

Kate8700, I am so sorry you're experiencing it too. It must be the hardest thing imaginable. Are you in a position where you can get him assessed privately?

Towwanthustice · 01/11/2023 20:11

I've come close to calling the police and I threaten her often when she smashes things up (adhd and asd)
IT IS the polices remit.
Age 10 is the age of criminal responsibility (ex police).
I'd complain to their professional standards dept and make it official.
I have no other advice as my 12 Yr old daughter is becoming worse (no where near as bad) and she won't access school or any other help so I'm on my own dealing with this shit all day every day. I don't have younger kids though.
I have heard of temporary fostering though...

Poosiewoo · 19/11/2023 10:32

OMG, this sounds just like my 12 year old except mines a girl. Diagnosed ADHD, does what she wants, everyone walking on eggshells. I sometimes drive home and think I’d be able to escape this if someone smashed into me. Not a very healthy thought but you get ground down. She’s waiting to start medication, I’m praying it’s going to make a difference as not sure what we’ll do if not. I’d love to just take my passport and leave but it wouldn’t be fair to my husband to be left with this, we’re just existing and tbh I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with it.
Just know you’re not alone, it’s awful and it feels like no one else understands. Take care and hope things improve xx

tiredofitall99 · 05/01/2024 23:56

Hi I've only just seen your thread - hoping all is getting better.... I just wanted to ask when he was three, did the behaviours seem to come on quite quick? With the issues and worse in summer it sounds like PANS to me... my son has PANDAS which is an autoimmune neuro reaction to strep, but PANS can be mast cell issue, histamine issue etc. A lot of kids can be misdiagnosed with autism, when it's a brain inflammation issue. If you are still looking for answers it could be something to rule out ;-)

Original poster

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 06/01/2024 19:03

Well I have an update, and life is every different!

He has since be diagnosed with ADHD and tics by CAMHS and has been on 1mg of Guanfacine and life has changed considerably.

Instead of smashing the house up and threatening to stab us nightly, it’s never.
He will still slam a door and call us cunts, but I will take the wins where I can!

He isn’t in school now, despite him returning, medicated and calm in September and working his little butt off, the teachers were awful to him and were horrific bullies so I withdraw him and not the only parent to have experienced the same in that school, according the to the ed psych who assessed him for his EHCP recently.

Interesting about PANDAS given that he had constant chest infections from the age of three, to the point where he was on prophylactic antibiotics for about 5 years.

He had that many cultures and bloods done I’ve no doubt it would have been picked up
and treated.

Plus his older and brother both have tics and ADHD runs in the family, so he’s a chip off the old block!

OP posts:

toosweaty · 06/01/2024 19:09

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM Wow, I am so pleased for your son - and you all. I really am. I've thought of you both often, especially as I'm Brighton based. What progress! 😘

Original poster

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 06/01/2024 20:13

Interesting! We were looking at Varndean today as another school for him to attend.
Mixed reviews though.

He will go to plumpton College when he is 14 though for sure.

OP posts:

toosweaty · 06/01/2024 20:57

What were the mixed reviews about Varndean? They've got a really strong SEN provision

Original poster

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 07/01/2024 10:40

I work in Brighton among social workers and school nurses and children who have SEN and SW involvement who attend Varndean, staff from Varndean often attend the Child Protection conferences that im in and I hear a lot about it, and families experiences of Varndean.
Its not all great.

And they jump on fining parents for non-attendance quick smart, which in my sons previous school were very reluctant to do - thank God.

I hate the fact that they are so ready to fine socially and financially vulnerable families because the single mother can’t get her 6’2” 15 year old to school.

OP posts:

WilkinsonM · 07/01/2024 10:53

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 07/01/2024 10:40

I work in Brighton among social workers and school nurses and children who have SEN and SW involvement who attend Varndean, staff from Varndean often attend the Child Protection conferences that im in and I hear a lot about it, and families experiences of Varndean.
Its not all great.

And they jump on fining parents for non-attendance quick smart, which in my sons previous school were very reluctant to do - thank God.

I hate the fact that they are so ready to fine socially and financially vulnerable families because the single mother can’t get her 6’2” 15 year old to school.

Varndean serves the golden triangle area and likes to think it's very well to do. They aren't great with kids who have social work involvement I agree

toosweaty · 07/01/2024 19:40

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 07/01/2024 10:40

I work in Brighton among social workers and school nurses and children who have SEN and SW involvement who attend Varndean, staff from Varndean often attend the Child Protection conferences that im in and I hear a lot about it, and families experiences of Varndean.
Its not all great.

And they jump on fining parents for non-attendance quick smart, which in my sons previous school were very reluctant to do - thank God.

I hate the fact that they are so ready to fine socially and financially vulnerable families because the single mother can’t get her 6’2” 15 year old to school.

That's a real shame to hear. Very disappointing. My son goes there. I guess I'm in the golden triangle

Justwrong68 · 07/01/2024 21:13

I'm so very sorry for your pain. My son was hallucinating, visual and audible. Voices shouting at him to harm himself. We went through CAHMS for nearly 4 years and we finally got a diagnosis of adhd and some autism characteristics. I saw some violence, mainly aimed at himself, it was terrifying so I can't imagine how it's been for you. DS is not on drugs, seems to be growing out of it (now 12yrs), though there are moments and he won't sleep alone.
This isn't much practical help but might give you hope that it can pass.
I'd ask him what happens in his mind that makes him do bad things. Conversation helped us. Though that sounds tricky in your situation. Does he have an aunty or uncle he can talk to? Someone he can trust who doesn't live in the house with you.

AmberGoose · 25/02/2024 22:07

I am concerned my son will become this way he’s 6yrs old and he is so aggressive.
He hurts me, tries to blackmail me, screams, throws things, turns the house upside down when he gets angry. I am doing my very best to support him to cope with his emotions better but I am at my whits end! I’ve enrolled him onto boxing and performing arts classes outside of school so he finds a better way to express himself but so far no improvement.
dad is not around (going through court) I also have a younger daughter.
He is an ANGEL at school (I also work in his school) so I get to see close up.
I honestly feel like I am losing a grip of my boy and I don’t know how to pull him back in.
I can’t keep going through it with him, I really am starting to feel like I just don’t want him to live with me and his sister, but his dad is a train wreck and I also don’t want that for my sons life!!
I love him so unbelievably much, my heart aches at the thought of even having that feeling. I don’t know who to approach - the therapist that works within the school has said it may be unethical for her to work with him as we’re going through court proceedings with his dad, so what else am I to do? It’s literally like watching a full grown man become abusive when my son goes into one.
I am starting to think that there may be some neurological imbalance as he presents other things that would suggest that but I also don’t want to “label my child” and I certainly don’t want him dosed up on zombie medication…

If anyone has any suggestions, it would be helpful.
from one extremely exhausted mumma to another x

Trinity69 · 26/02/2024 05:43

AmberGoose · 25/02/2024 22:07

I am concerned my son will become this way he’s 6yrs old and he is so aggressive.
He hurts me, tries to blackmail me, screams, throws things, turns the house upside down when he gets angry. I am doing my very best to support him to cope with his emotions better but I am at my whits end! I’ve enrolled him onto boxing and performing arts classes outside of school so he finds a better way to express himself but so far no improvement.
dad is not around (going through court) I also have a younger daughter.
He is an ANGEL at school (I also work in his school) so I get to see close up.
I honestly feel like I am losing a grip of my boy and I don’t know how to pull him back in.
I can’t keep going through it with him, I really am starting to feel like I just don’t want him to live with me and his sister, but his dad is a train wreck and I also don’t want that for my sons life!!
I love him so unbelievably much, my heart aches at the thought of even having that feeling. I don’t know who to approach - the therapist that works within the school has said it may be unethical for her to work with him as we’re going through court proceedings with his dad, so what else am I to do? It’s literally like watching a full grown man become abusive when my son goes into one.
I am starting to think that there may be some neurological imbalance as he presents other things that would suggest that but I also don’t want to “label my child” and I certainly don’t want him dosed up on zombie medication…

If anyone has any suggestions, it would be helpful.
from one extremely exhausted mumma to another x

If you suspect he may be ND, you’d be doing him a favour by seeking help. It’s not a label, it’s a diagnosis and medications have moved on, it’s not zombie medication…it’s to help him cope in the world and reach his potential.

Frogger555 · 15/06/2024 17:58

My child went live with their dad. They was controlling and abusive. Not one person believed me. My ex was abusive and controling. I miss him but not behaviour. My oldest child is here with me
They are a different child
.polite etc. anyone relate