I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

If you mean your husband and older son would remain living in your owned home (jointly owned by you?) and you would remain married but run two homes with UC paying for the second one, then no, you would not get help with that.

I'm not clear whether you won't consider foster care, or have already tried that route and been advised it is not possible?

My son has ADHD and I was worried as he got older he would be like your son is now, it scared me that much that we went private and got him diagnosed, he is also medicated now and it's such a relief, he is now calmer and easier to manage and he doesn't rule the house anymore with us all walking in egg shells, it's changed our lives and his.
I would 100% use the money to get him diagnosed and medicated, this is what it's made for. Maybe after that and he is calmer you can both work on your relationship and you can all be happy.

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this, it sounds really tough.
I would urge you contact all helplines possible and request help from your gp before he harms himself or any of you.
Do you have any family support who could take him temporarily to give you a break?
If the social services will not help with foster care nor the police help with your reports then file a complaint all around, they are failing your son by not offering the support you’re requesting.
As for the UC as far as I’m aware as you own a property and presumably have a mortgage you wouldn’t be eligible for help towards rent costs, however give them a quick call to double check.
I wish you the best in getting this solved

Some schools for SEN dc have boarding /respite care.. Does ds have a statement?

12 year olds can commit crimes in this country. Criminal age of responsibility is ten.

Have you tried this? It seems like the obvious solution. Reasons can be eg juvenile offending, parent having medical needs including mental illness that prevent them caring for the child

I can also recommend a clinic you can go to if you are in the North west.

You sound at the end of your tether, understandably.

But your child also remains your child. however problematic. What are your plans for him, after your move out with your younger child? Is the idea that he stays living in your family home with his father, and awaits CAMHs treatment and/or medication?

Oh I've tried it.
Believe me, I have tried it.

You absolutely 100% need to spend that extra money on your son, to get a help privately and get medication. You seem still to be doubtful about the meds- but it should never have gone this long without him being medicated. No guarantees but it might help a lot and you’ve absolutely got to give it a try- even to rule it out.

As others have said renting somewhere else does nothing to help your eldest- it’s fine to have a break but 2 separate families is not the long term answer.

You’ve tried to put your child into foster care? How and why did it not work?

Yes that would be my plan.

Yes he is my child but so is my innocent 4 year old and his delicate mental health and safety.

Just to support the OP here I have a good friend in a similar situation but with complete diagnosis (of ADHD) , meds and EOTAS package as he can't be at school. His parents have done everything they could, the effort to help him has been incredible. He is still very violent to his parents and his sibling and they've had to get rid of their pets. It's been almost impossible at every stage to get help.

I don't know what the posts saying this isn't just ADHD are implying really - inadequate parenting?

Are you trying to goad me?

Sorry I missed the bit where you said you would need UC to fund the second place. You'd need about £400-ish for an assessment with Psychiatry UK (they do them online so no need to travel anywhere) or about £180-£270 for a review if you already have a diagnosis, prescription fees are about £30 and the actual dispensing of the medication depends on the specific medication but mine was about another £30 (so £60 a month ongoing plus any reviews which are about every 6 months for me).
I'm just laying that out so you can weigh up if you can afford it or not as you really do sound at the end of your tether and on the distant off chance it might help.

Op, I am so sorry you are struggling. I’m not a benefits specialist but…

1. UC is for those without enough money to live on. If you and your partner don’t get it now, you won’t get it if you move.
2. moving is not the same as breaking up/being single- you would still be assessed as together, just with 2 houses.
3. you can force SS to take action, there are services for young people, supported lodgings, foster carers, if you want that.
4. have you considered residential school settings?

Yes, it feels like a suggestion that I haven't done enough or it's our parenting.

I listed the things I've tried, just for people to ask me if I have tried them.

It's making me feel worse, I never should have posted.

Sounds horrendous, OP.

But being rude towards people who are answering in good faith and trying to help you won’t be of any benefit.

I wasnt for a second suggesting it was a parenting issue, I don’t know enough about the situation to make any judgement. But I think by assuming this is all adhd related any other root cause could be missed. The issues obviously run very deeply.

The police won't charge a child that has a form of a disability.
If it was a case of having a consequence to poor behaviour then parents should be doing that - not police. I'm with the police on this - how will criminalising him help?

In regards to foster care..there are ko foster carers...especially ones that can offer a single child placement.

How does he behave at school- do their strategies work? What consequences and strategies are you currently using?

Can one parent and one child go elsewhere? Or younger child stay with a family member to keep her safe?

Have you read about ADHD and has he had a diagnosis

PP isn't trying to goad you - they're trying to understand why foster care isn't an option.

Would he take the medication though it it were prescribed? Mine refused and short of physically holding them down ( obviously you can’t do that) you cannot force them. Luckily we didn’t have other young children at home while he was at his worst so only his dad and I were targets. We did it differently, we stayed together because neither of us wanted to be living on our own with him. We took turns to go out for a bit of respite. My son did all that you listed and more and yes he was a nightmare at school as well. I think if we did have other young children at home we would have had to separate to protect the other child so I really get it. Just in case it’s any consolation at all he is now grown up and doing well and we are all close, but his life has been affected by poor choices he made as a teenager.

I am so so sorry.

I have a child with loads of issues. I have taken them to a&e when things escalated and they were admitted (but had health issues on top). And refuse to take him home unless you have some sort of plan/medication in place.. Have you tried that? You need to push the buttons of the of the system wherever you can. It is absolutely horrific how families like yours are treated.

And keep calling the police. If he is getting wild and you cannot get him into the car to a&e, ring 999. I did that once in utter desperation and the would have sent an ambulance (but DC agreed with the call handler to get into my car). He obviously needs very urgent support and you cannot wait months.