I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Posted too soon. I suppose things may be very different now, so I apologise.

What I really dislike about the “he’s still your child” type of posts is the implied guilt. The idea that the parent doesn’t quite care enough. Most people making g those comments have no idea just how impossible it is. Sometimes, love doesn’t conquer all.

I'm thinking of how I turn into a frenzied ball of anxiety when the "30 seconds left" beeper goes off on the wash-it-yourself car wash or the supermarket makes the "this store will close in five minutes" announcement.

Yes me too! I hadn't thought of setting an alarm, I really appreciate that idea!

I hope it helps.

You know DS best, so you are the best judge of whether to suggest to him that he sets an alarm with a lead time of his choosing, or to do it for him.

I feel for you so much h, I understand what your going through. Its awful for parents in this situation there are no quick fixes, everything's a constant battle to get the he'll and support you need for your child and to top it off parents feel like they are being criticised for not being a good enough parent when actually their parenting is not to blame, in fact they are amazing parents going over and beyond to get the right help. I have some experience of this of there's any way of private messaging on here. X

The first option gives him control over the amount of warning he gets, whereas the second avoids him feeling pressured to make a decision.

OP it was lovely to read all the great things about your boy, sounds quite a bit like one of mine (who also struggles with emotional regulation)

It sounds like he maybe likes "heavy work" if he likes diy and gardening

You may know this from your assessment already but it can be very regulating for some kids, you could try to incorporate it daily, get him lifting some heavy loads or install a Gorilla Gym for dangling / pull ups etc.

https://www.understood.org/en/articles/heavy-work-activities

It's not about love or guilt, it's the law. 1989 Children Act. Parental responsibility. It's not an opt-in, it's absolute.

@SpidersAreShitheads I don’t mean to derail the thread, although it’s a similar point, but gosh really worried about you and your lack of sleep. That just sounds so tough. You seem to have some useful advice about parenting courses etc and low demand parenting - the ‘unintuitive’ approach I often feel, but which works often with some AN kids. Which is creating a very low stress environment, according to their needs. That is not something many services will help or give good advice on, but is often the key imho to help explosive behaviour in a kid who is not trying to get attention or some other need.

Yes, parental responsibility is an absolute, @Cherchezlafemme77 - but that shouldn’t mean that parents have to cope with absolutely everything on their own. If a child is suffering from cancer, we expect the NHS to give them the treatment they need - we wouldn’t expect the parents to do it all - and this is (or should be) no different. The OP has a child who has a diagnosed condition that causes him to become utterly overloaded and have violent melt-downs that put himself, his four year old siblings and his parents in real physical danger. The OP has done everything to try to deal with this, to help her child, whilst protecting herself and her other family members, but is reaching the end of her tether.

I firmly believe that the responsibility for helping this child and his family does not start and end with his parents - they need help from outside - the education system, social services, the NHS, CAMHS etc. They are the professionals who hopefully have the training and expertise to help her.

And I don’t blame the OP for looking at increasingly desperate measures to help her son and to protect her other child. I think she is venting, out of sheer desperation - but at the same time time this is a cry for help. Sadly, it seems that too many children with complex needs are falling through the cracks, and too many parents are feeling they have to fight tooth and nail, to get whatever inadequate help is available - this thread alone demonstrates that - and I think that this is something that society and the government should be deeply ashamed of.

He sounds lovely op and worth fighting for .

Take the bit that f advice here that could work .please don't give up on him and don't move out - that we'd be abandoning him and he will know

Please work on finding the RIGHT help
I'm wishing you so much luck x

I'm talking about the idiots suggesting that OP abandon her child at children's services or have him arrested or "put into care". All highly destructive and terrible ideas, and not in keeping with any kind of reality.

Well it doesn't work that we now ,there has very little available for struggling parents ,even in he most desperate of situations .

Apologies, @Cherchezlafemme77 - I misunderstood.

How are you doing? @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I've been thinking of you and DS these past few days, and hoping this thread helped you in some way

Thank you for asking thanks kind.

We have news - we got a CAMHS appointment with the psychiatrist through!!
We have also just had a meeting with a really nice key worker who came up with some good ideas to put in place.

I'm feeling slightly hopefully now 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I'm so pleased! That's progress. What sort of ideas?

Really pleased to hear that, OP.

That's good news, hopefully one step closer to help and support for you all

OP is that the LDAP keyworker team I suggested? Please look into them they support families with situations such as yours. Look up longterm plan NHS learning disability and autism partnership
(
should also cover adhd and suspected autism)

What is he like at school? Is he ok there or similar?
Does he have an ehcp?

They don't sit in offices they are out and about helping families.
The only person this will bother is the one on reception who won't let them through the doors without an appointment

First off, a punching bag.
So this will be a short term solution but in the living room so it's visual and close, with a taped off section (just a little tape on the floor) so the little one knows not to step into that area to keep him safe, but part of the plan would be that id remove him from the situation anyway, which is what we currently do.
Second of all, my husband leaves him to it as well.

DH has been "hanging around" him when he is erupting (we are now using that word instead of "kicking off" which is the phrase we were using at home) to make sure he is safe and prevent him doing more damage to the home.
I've told DH that he calms down quicker when he's left on his own. DS said exactly that yesterday. When he feels himself calming down, his dad will pop his head round the door and that instantly makes the anger come back.

So he kicked off again last night, shocker 🙄
And the eruptions were much shorter because DH walked away as well.

That's not to say damage didn't occur because it did. But it was shorter bursts.

That sounds like good progress, @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM - even little steps are good ones.