I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

So frustrating to read this. SS are massively overwhelmed and underfunded. Makes me angry to read ''off their backsides'' - you think they sit around all day..or that they're quitting in their droves because of abuse for everyone , massive amounts of stress and lack of funding.

Self refer to social work and request respite care. Social work will initially ask you to explore family options - I.e can sibling temporarily go elsewhere or periodically so she can get a break. Or can son go elsewhere to give everyone a break.

Children only go into care for serious safeguarding reasons..and parents need to look at ALL the options of keeping children safe before requesting their child is in care. Being in care won't actually solve anything- other than give parents a break. And it won't be a long term or permanent solution unless parents are abandoning (criminally) their child and getting rid of their own parental rights and responsibilities.

My son was like yours OP. He has severe adhd and school got rid of him as they couldn’t cope either .
he was medicated via his paediatrician but I understand different areas of the county use camhs etc instead .

Unfortunatly parents will always get blamed first for their child’s behaviour- i did every parenting course , NVR course offered . Of course none of it made any difference to my sons medical problem ! But they have to rule out any parenting issues first .

The medication was trial and error to find the most suitable one - it helps but it isn’t a cure by any stretch.
Sadly the thing that helps the most is just to keep out of his way and leave him to his own devices as much as possible . Placing any perceived demands on him is like throwing a hand grenade at him.
The amount of things he has destroyed and damaged though has improved as he has got older . He no longer sets fire to things either .

School reported us to safeguarding saying my younger son was at risk - but social services just came round and checked the house was ok and then did nothing . Sent me a few leaflets .

It is a slow road. And a very challenging one .
Someone I knew in a similar position did give their child up to social services and was placed into care aged 12. That child never moved back home again.

In your shoes I would absolutely use the money towards a private psychiatrist to a) re diagnose the adhd and start on meds and b) consider any other conditions that may be present.

Meds have been an absolute gamechanger for many with ADHD, obviously no guarantees that they will be for you but they seem like the best chance
of helping everyone. Splitting the family doesn’t help with the underlying issue, I can very much understand why you want to just for some relief, but I would try the private medication route first.

Can you ring round other private ADHD clinics and see if any will accept the old diagnosis or at least use it to shorten the process. Is it possible to find out where the individual psychiatrist from Elysium now works? As they should accept their own diagnosis surely?

No advice,just a big hug,my heart goes out to you

The portland Street hospital london do assessment for ADHD. It may be as you already have a diagnosis you only need a couple of medication reviews. They can then write to your GP to prescribe. And yes because its private

You say you had assessment from SS, was it a child in need assessment and did they complete a risk assessment. If they did and you don't have a copy you need a copy, if they didn't they need to do it. You need a chronological list of everything your DC has done, highlight on that list everytime a person in that household, especially a child has come to harm. Collect any medical reports you have or any evidence of injury.

SS have a safeguarding responsibility to you and any children in the home. If there is sufficient evidence you can take this to judicial review. Whilst it have be done independently, if you can stretch to an advocate do so.

Laughs heartily at the idea you can turn up at SS offices at threaten to not leave until they do something.

Is your child at school? Are they showing these behaviours at school? If they are and you font have it, you need an EHCP. It should include therapy for OT and mental health.

she has answered. He is barely in school.
Given that she no longer has access to the previous psychiatrist and her original GP has shut down, it's now not a straightforward route to get him on medication - if she had put them on meds straight away then perhaps now things would be different, but it's a lot harder to access them now and the situation has escalated out of control.

I gained these answers by using my reading comprehension skills on the OP's posts. Stop trying to 'gotcha' her.

Not at all. She would be claiming as a single parent - which she can do even though she's married. Only her wages, her housing costs and her child who lives with her will be taken into consideration.

Providing finances are kept separate and not merged, this absolutely can be done.

So commit fraud? I’ve worked there, if they get a sniff it’s deliberate or they’re still a couple (living together or not) she’ll get handed an overpayment and forced to hand it all back at the very least.

If he has the diagnosis he doesn't need another assessment so can you book a child psychiatrist privately to prescribe medication? I had to do this with my daughter but live in Ireland so things may be different.

What are school doing? Are they supporting the EHCP? Have they offered DS counselling at school? Even if they are not accepting his ADHD diagnosis (assume private), he should meet the criteria for an EHCP for social, emotional and mental health.

Especially if he’s only at school part time. Who’s choice is that and why, schools or yours? Legally they have to provide full time education.

Have they referred to the School Nurse? Do they know about the situation at home and how you feel?

You need the EHCP to get a residential school with SEMH and ADHD support. Will still be a battle but could be a start for the long term.

Probably less detrimental to his mental health in the long run than his mum moving out which he will take as you abandoning him (not judging you for wanting to at all, I can understand your fear for your youngest).

No idea why some posters seem to be getting a kick out of kicking you when you're down, OP. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It sounds horrible and as if you've done everything right by both your kids.

I'd spend the money on getting the meds if I were you. They might make all the difference.
Please take care x

Sorry it's so tough. You definitely sound like you need more support. Do you have family you and the little one could stay with?
Going for another Assesment privately and getting onto meds ASAP sounds like the only plan.

💐💐💐 I'm sorry this is happening.

I know what it's like. My 22 year old son punched me in the head and gave me a concussion a few weeks back.

There aren't any easy answers and the fight is never ending.

If you can afford to maintain 2 homes in the short term then that may be the best thing. Your 4 year old needs to be out of this environment. You may well find that such a set up may help your older son too. Fewer triggers and 1:1 with alternating parents.

Re support - You have to be the biggest, loudest pain in the arse to be the one who gets help. Make them realise that not helping you will hit their budget far harder than helping you!

Medication can be a life saver and hopefully it won't be too long until he is prescribed something! When he was a child my son was on equasym which really helped. Later he was on anti psychotics and now he has anti depressants and diazapam.

It feels impossible I know. I wish I had some magic suggestion oh do this it'll solve everything but in all honesty there's not much help out there and it sounds like you are doing everything possible. I really hope you get the help your son needs soon.

Oh my goodness, please read the UC regulations before continuing to give incorrect advice.
Even if they're married, but have separate households and finances, the OP CAN claim UC as a single parent.

This is really good advise. Insist to the police that you are reporting a CRIME every single time and then CHASE UP for an outcome. This will help your son understand that there are real and serious legal consequences and also that the police is taking it seriously.
I fully empathize with you btw, I went through something similar with a close family member (not my child but living together) and it was absolute hell. SS basically told us that they can't do anything to put him in care (we were asking for a temporary break) and kept sending useless family workers. However from what PPs have said, sounds like you could put him in care if you officially state that your DH and you have been severely impacted. Use words like Breakdown, feeling suicidal (if that's the case) Fearing for our lives and most importantly, Fearing for younger DCs life. They must take this seriously.

I missed that he wasn't in school. Perfect. You need to push for an EHCP if you don't have it and call for an immediate change of placement if he does.

You need to check if you are entitled to legal aid. The whole process gets easier if you are

OP I believe you. I've known other parents in the same kind of situation. It's awful because there's shame, fear and helplessness because you can't get help.

I think he needs to be out of the home. You can't live like this. Yes he has unmet needs but other people are suffering, another child, and they matter to.

If you could I'd suggest getting a solicitor involved in the ehcp process. Make it clear you can't meet his needs at home and he needs a 24 hr placement that meets his send and social care needs. Take them to tribunal to get it. There are schools where his ADHD and other needs would be met by a team of specialist professionals. Best for him and for you all.

Meanwhile if you can, yes rent somewhere else so you and your youngest can be safe.

This would be further evidence to the LA that you cannot meet his needs at home and add strength to your demand for a residential send school placement.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, I don't think people who haven't seen it or experienced it can really imagine how some people are living in terror of their child.

OP I’m so sorry. The system has failed you.
You can tell you’re at the end of your tether and need support.

just a word to @HandsupSue youre coming across quite badly. Im
not sure why you’re so bent on having a go at the OP but it really doesn’t seem appropriate. Please Be kind.

You can't get housing on universal credit if you own property

Thank you.

what I definitely don't want to do is commit fraud. it's hard to sleep at night as it is, without worrying about that.

OP- sorry I don’t have any advice to help in terms of managing this, but I was a ‘naughty’ ‘disruptive’ ‘horrible’ child.
I was dropped off to social services age 11 by my uncle and dumped there. I remember it like it was yesterday- ‘find her somewhere else, we don’t want her back’
I was becoming too much for my maternal grandmother who I lived with.
I was an absolute shit bag and hard work. I was bullied in and out of school and took all my anger out on my poor Nan and he lovely home.

When I was taken into care I absolutely begged to go back home promised to be good and never be horrible again, anything to get back home- I let didn’t work- I stayed in care until I took myself out she 15/16.

Please please please, do not just take him there like some people have suggested and ‘dump him’… I know this must be really hard for you, but it will make him a million times worse. I still carry the rejection to this day and my ASB worsened for it. I had a criminal record for years until the law changed and they’re now classed as spent for stupid mistakes I made between the ages of 12-14. I am grateful for the law changing and being able to turn my life around. The police may also not be the answer here, they never scared me, only infuriated me more.

I was such an angry child (due to early childhood trauma and parental abuse) and I still struggle sometimes with my moods today. But I live a normal adult life now and with the right support my anger subsided. I still have ADHD, but I manage.
I’m a midwife and teacher nowadays, 2 degrees, have 2 lovely children and we live ‘normally’ in a house I own and life is as happy as it can be.
BUT, I still carry the foster care trauma, some of the things I experienced at the hands of foster carers, people wouldn’t believe if I listed it.

I hope you get external agency support, I would suggest private route- invest your money there, get him medicated to calm him down and perhaps figure out how to get some respite for yourself and family. Social care are worse than ever nowadays, even I shake my head with despair when working either them. The funding does not allow any form of adequecy.

best of luck to you and your family and I’m sorry it’s so so hard for you xx

Again, NOT true.

If the property the OP owns is being used by another to house a child - she absolutely can claim UC on a different rental property.

I dont read it that way at all.

Just more that there is MORE than ADHD going on WITH HIM. Not that this is on you, in any way! I cannot even imagine having to live with this, and like this!

I dont have any different advice. I honestly dont think the proposed living situation would be great either. Your husband would still be majorly at risk. Your 12 year old will continue to grow, so while your husband can now physically stop him, he might not be able to in a couple of years.

I would put money in private care, if you have it, as opposed to a new rent.