SIL left her 5 wk old baby for 12 hrs without milk :S

[worriedwhocanadvise]

I have name changed for this.

Just after some advice really.

Quick background, SIL had first baby 5 weeks ago. She has (undiagnosed) SN and personally I was worried before she even had the baby as to how she was going to cope with one. MIL and FIL had to clear up their house 3 wks before baby was due because they were worried that SS would take the baby off their daughter. She is married to a total loser (another long long story), both SIL and BIL are on benefits (just saying so as to not dripfeed) but 'can't remember' what has happened to the £500 they got from the govt to help set them up. PIL's have so far provided all of the things for the baby (nursery, pram etc etc)

Anyway. Was on phone to MIL last night. She was really upset. Said that SIL wasn't supporting the baby's head correctly when she was holding him, and that she'd noticed he was looking very skinny/weak. She asked her daughter, how is he feeding, and SIL replied, he's not hungry so I don't give him any milk. Transpires he's had ONE feed in the last 12 hours.

From what we can gather, HV has commented that he's not gaining weight the way that he should be.

I don't have any children yet (due in 8 weeks), and I'm planning on BF'ing anyways. But my question is, how much FF milk should a baby be given during a 24 hr period? I'm really looking for some advice to give to MIL so that MIL is giving correct information to her daughter. MIL is concerned that SS are going to get involved and take her grandson away. Obviously, there are big issues going on here, but I'd just like some advice on how much milk a new baby should be getting.

[pumpkinsweetie]

What i meant by mil intervening-is that she should stay with sil until she gets used to parenting. If she will not do it i would report for the baby's saftey

[tiktok]

Totally correct posts here: this baby is in real danger and needs a medical check up ASAP. 5 week old babies do not look 'skinny and weak' unless there is something very wrong. Follow up on Monday with HV and social care services to make sure the SIL is supported to look after the baby properly.

(Water is absolutely NOT necessary for any baby, bf or ff, before weaning, and can even do harm....whatever people used to do, or used to be advised to do).

[Pajimjams]

You need to phone the emergency duty line for children's services and give them this information. Please do this now. Once the baby is safe you can talk through tHe issues with DHs family.

You have a moral obligation to do this. You may, in future, wish with all your heart that you took this obvious opportunity to help this little baby.

[SayersIsBetterThanGreggs]

Op, when my nephew wasn't waking for feeds at all my sisters HV called the doctor out to have a look. He was fine but it was a concern.

TBH i'd treat this pretty seriously, the difference between her and my sis is my sister was waking her baby up and offering feeds which he took, I imagine your sil is happy he's sleeping and effectively leaving him to starve.

[Rollersara]

Hope OP has gone to call MIL/ambulance, and also hoping something has been lost in translation and the poor baby has not been fed twice a day over a long period :(

[puds11]

update?

[IShallPracticeMyCurtsey]

Oh op please don't dick around any longer, do something please this is so serious

[MrsTomHardy]

Any update??

[notMarlene]

Surely no update is a good thing? One would hope the OP is too busy dealing with this atrocious situation to be feking about on MN...

[puds11]

True not but that doesn't stop us being concerned.

[TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed]

We shouldn't be asking for updates. We can hope that the op is doing something, but we can't expect her to come back and update if she doesn't want to, or is afraid of making things worse by posting on a public forum about it.

She is now aware of the seriousness of the situation and has said she will deal with it. Let her.

OP, I hope you are ok.

[Pozzled]

Op, I have been watching since you posted but didn't have anything useful to add. Now I just want to say that I hope the baby is ok. Previous posters were absolutely right to treat the situation very very seriously, but I am really hoping that it wasn't as dire as it seemed, and that either Mil or SIL were exaggerating the time between feeds.

[googietheegg]

Do not give cool boiled water. That advice is very wrong.

I'm in the south of France and DD was 5 weeks old in 35 degree heat and the Hv said cbw is not necessary unless going on a hot car journey and even then only 10 ml. Do not suggest cbw to you sil as she's likely to give too much and the situ will be even worse.
Cbw is very very very outdated advice

[BabylonPI]

Hope everything is ok op x

[WantAnOrange]

Hope everything is being sorted.

I get so cross when I see the attitude "I can't report to SS because she's family, they will the take the baby etc". What a load of bollox. Let go of that. SS will support your SIL to be the best parent she can be, not take her baby away, unless that is in the best interests of the child, in which case, you've still done the right thing.

If you have the choice to report to SS and get the help needed to keep a family together, and keep a baby healthy, or to not report and risk the baby dying, why on earth would you choose the latter?

[NeedlesCuties]

also SS aren't standing waiting to swoop in and take children away (as some people think), but they can help your SIL and BIL with parenting skills and put support in place.

[IShallPracticeMyCurtsey]

Let's just remember that the OP is pregnant herself with her first child (due in 8 weeks). I'm not sure how well I would have dealt with this very difficult situation before having a baby myself (and knowing about frequency of feeds etc). It's very difficult for her to be the one landed with taking the necessary urgent action.

[SarryB]

I've only just seen this thread.

I'm wondering how much baby is getting in one feed? Maybe SIL is making up a huge bottle (the Tommee Tippee ones hold 10oz), and forcing baby to take it all in one go? Although, I can't see such a small baby not puking it back up.

Also, only 1lb over 5 weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm sure if the HV was concerned about baby's weight, they'd have been sent to the hospital.

OP - hope everything is ok.

[mildred37]

I was hoping there would be an update .... OP hope all is okay.

[worriedwhocanadvise]

Update - sorry for the delay, I was spending time obviously trying to sort things out and then been at work myself.

Thank you all for your concern and advice/best wishes etc. Really has been very very helpful.

Right. This might be long - so sorry! But basically, I managed to get hold of the actual HV and told her directly my concerns. She wouldn't tell me that much as such, but did say that she was 'keeping a close eye' on things. I can only take that to mean that she also has concerns and that my SIL is definitely on her radar? MIL can't/won't confirm to me how the baby is feeding now. It wasn't a one- off - apparently SIL is just 'delighted' (her words) that the baby isn't 'demanding' (again, her words) and that she's not 'pestered' (again, HER words!) all the time for food. . All very worrying to me. Honestly, I think her parenting skills are zero and her mothering instincts not looking great right now. Personally, I didn't think she was emotionally ready for a baby, but I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. :(

wantanorange Don't worry - I've never had the attitude - can't report to SS because it's family. I actually am not close in the slightest to SIL. I am far more concerned about the baby. It's just all very very awkward because MIL in denial, and just keeps saying things like 'well wait til you have your baby and you'll see it's not that easy' etc etc. MIL upset enough to involve myself and DH but then doesn't really follow up when we ask for more info - or insist she gets involved more etc. Also agree SS much more likely to offer parenting help anyway, rather than just remove a child.

Re. feeds - we also found out that SIL is making up one bottle and basically just feeding that one bottle over goodness how many feeds until it's finished - ie. not making up fresh bottles. The bottle just sits there for hours on end. MIL has apparently 'bollocked' her for that, but we don't know if she's still doing that or not.

MIL said baby is quiet, but got colour in his cheeks. MIL is not there all the time - she goes over (or was going over!) every 3 days, but has now said she's going to visit every day. I don't know what happens when it's just the parents on their own - I have a horrid feeling that even at 5 weeks the baby knows that crying is pointless and has basically jst given up. When MIL arrived yesterday, his nappy needing changing, but he wasn't fussing - SIL just said 'well I'll do it after I've watched X on the tv he'll just have to bloody wait ' (in about an hours time!!!) MIL apparently insisted, no NOW..so she huffed somewhat, changed the nappy, didn't wash her hands (no2!) and then shoved a dummy in his mouth.

sigh Honestly. I feel really quite stressed out about all this. I'm angry that I'm related to somewhat who's such a shit mother, and can't even do the basics for their own baby. :(

Anyway. MIL has promised to keep a closer eye on things. She's obviously on the SS radar - and I WILL definitely ring SS myself if I think that things are not progressing, and that SIL is still having such a crap attitude towards parenting. I might just add that she's not depressed or anything (no PND) she just doesn't give a toss from what we can gather.

In terms of what SN she has - I don't know...I just have worked with ppl with SN and she shows the same signs..emotionally very young (she's nearly 30 but at times can come across like a not very mature 14 yr old), she's not bright at all (left school with zero qualifications) either academically OR just to have a conversation with, has never had a job in her life (not even a paper round or similar)..she has no life ambitions, no interests/hobbies, DH never recalls her even having one friend as a child/young adult. All very sad really.

Really do hope that HV wasn't just fobbing me off - I didn't get the impression that she was, just that she wasn't able to tell me anything because of confidentiality? if that makes sense.

Am just about to ring MIL now and find out an update from today.

[Badvoc]

Ring ss.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Dont be accepting this. You need to go further. SS definately.

[tiktok]

This baby is in danger, of dehydration (inadequate feeding), of starvation (ditto), of serious gastro-enteritis (using the same milk and bottle over hours), of nappy rash (lack of nappy changing), of emotional neglect (everything you have said). It sounds that the HV is aware and involved, and that's a relief. The HV will have documented your concerns and if she is any good at her job, she will ensure a visit asap.

You say " I have a horrid feeling that even at 5 weeks the baby knows that crying is pointless and has basically just given up" - yes, babies as young as this do this, and if they are underfed, they conserve calories by not crying or fussing. They don't have the energy to protest - it's not that they make a considered decision.

Poor baby...and poor mother as well, as she clearly has problems.

[InkleWinkle]

Sorry, you surely can't be happy to leave this as 'MIL popping over' and 'on HV's radar' ?
It could all be too late.

Please at least read TikTok's post she knows what she's talking about and then take some action which will result in immediate help.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I'm sorry, but family or not this situation needs to be reported the social services.
The baby is your family too, don't hesitate in reporting this.