Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

[jenbird]

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

you should have sympathy for your friend.

SHe was boobytrapped. It's not her fault.

The moment someone suggested a bottle it set the process rolling to disrupt her supply. in my experience the boobytrapping usually begins in the maternity ward.

There is no way the number of people who tell me they didn't have enough milk really couldn't have bf, but the majority do believe it and it isn't their fault.

For the additional ones that have convinced themselves that this was the case, as they found it too difficult, well, it isn't their fault either!

Our culture, lifestyle, education, expectations and sleeping arrangements do make bfing incredibly difficult.

I don't see how it's devaluing your effort?

People make excuses usually as they fe guilty. Some people genuinely believe these things.

Obviously you are right to get it off your chest here rather than tell your friend.

I understand why you're frustrated, and think venting it on here is a good idea. I hear it a lot too, and it makes me sad, not just for the baby, but for the poor support these individuals have obviously received. Grr grr and grr.

jenbird,
I agree! I met a friend last week who gave up bfing after 6 weeks of mixed feeding, which started after 2 days post-partum because she didn't have enough milk and baby was always hungry. Of course, she couldn't make more milk if not stimulating her supply by topping baby up with formula. I kept my mouth shut though but I honestly think some women don't know how hard the first couple of months of bfng can be and then give up for the wrong reasons...

I had a very similar rant, privately amongst friends, the other day OP. I was also feeling very frustrated at the misinformation that gets bandied about on forums, particularly regarding the first few days after birth.

What I commonly see is this: "my milk
didn't come in for 4 days, so my baby needed to have formula so he/she wouldn't starve."

NO. You make a special something called COLOSTRUM for the first few days. Your baby's tummy is the size of a marble so only needs tiny amounts of this wonder-stuff to coat their tummy and gut and prepare it for the milk that develops in your breasts after a few days. They NEED to feed very often. Sometimes every hour. It's normal. It's not cos they're starving, it's biology. If you disrupt this by adding formula, not only is your baby missing out on the amazing benefits of colostrum, but you're disrupting your early supply. No wonder it took longer for your "milk to come in" (Hate that phrase. So misleading)

Not knowing this is sad, but it's not fair to feel frustrated simply because a mum didn't have the right information.

However, women who bandy misinformation around on forums because they found breast feeding difficult, are being even more unfair. It colours the experience of the next new mother looking for accurate information.

I wish knowledge about breast feeding and how to do it, was as ubiquitous as how to apply mascara correctly.

Worse still: most women by the time they're mature adults know how to give a blow job, or a hand job, and are happy to share accurate information on how they do that, but when it comes to breast feeding? Somehow our own bodies are a complete mystery.

I agree. It annoys me too! I usually hear "I wasn't filling them" bf is loads diff to bottle feeding in lots of ways not just the 'tools'

She is trying to justify her failure to herself - there seems to be a lot of emotion attached to breastfeeding.

It only devalues your success at breastfeeding if she says 'you were lucky, you had plenty of milk so it was easy for you'.

I breastfed my first for two and a half years and I thought exactly as you do then I had my second and struggled and struggled, she was unsettled and I did not make enough milk for her there was literally just not enough and she became to weak to suck, I was heartbroken and it started to affect our bond so I switched and it was happy ever after. It is the case for some people that they just don't make enough milk and its judgemental people like You that create the devastation and failure that I felt, other peoples choices are none of your business who are you to judge them

People feel judged for not breastfeeding, which is why some are not honest about why they stopped.

That's different to going around forums though and giving shit info out to other new mothers, who might believe it. That's not good.

I had a massively valid medical reason for stopping and still felt horrendously guilty.

Well, each to their own, but I do tend to agree OP. My own Mum tells me that she gave up breastfeeding me due to low production I tell her that if it had been now, she could have had a lot of support to continue. I actually feel deprived of a good start! my own Dc's had an excellent start, so I feel good about that :)

Many people say they did not have enough milk because saying 'I didn't want to BF' isn't often accepted as a valid reason.

I hated BFing, stopped after 3wks with DD1, and FF DD2 from birth. I was asked 'why' repeatedly by HCPs, and 'I don't want to' was not accepted as a valid reason. It was assumed that I didn't have enough knowledge or support- I had plenty of both, I just hated BFing.

A lot of women may use "I just didn't have enough milk" because they will feel looked down on for bottle feeding, and feel guilty for it not being the easiest, wonderful experience that is often bandied about. It is very rare you will have somebody tell you "It can be hard, it can be painful, it will take a while to achieve". Like a lot of things to do with pregnancy/childbirth, the tough stuff can be glossed over.

That being said, Badgerina, my boobs were absolutely useless to DS for 5 days. Emergency section meant my body didn't have a sooding clue what had happened and took that long to catch up :o

yabu. i have heard loads of these comments but they reasons are not quite what you think they are. the main reaosn for bf failing or any of this 'i didn't have enough milk' twaddle is SHIT ADVICE. there are thousands of misinformed or downright ignorant HCPs out there who will tell mums they need to top up etc and chip away at bf confidence until its gone.

there is also the fact that ff is so entrenched in western culture that we generally think ff is an inevitability rather than simply one option of a few.

furthermore the culture of being more comfortable with ff is also pushed on to new mums by their own dm/mil/peer group.

we are not taught to trust our own bodies wrt bf its v sad

and between me and mn.....im on a while list of bf pages on fb and even i feel opressed though dd never had any formula. im ashamed to say im starting to get whole bf mafia problem. i am a huge lactivist but bf does not make you a superior parent in eery way, neither does all the other stuff they yank on about...

havent had time to read all the posts jenbird, but I 'sort' of know what you mean, but I also know why your friend said what she did...

I unsuccessfully tried to BF my first born, failed dismally & gave up and switched to formula after 4 wks. I genuinely thought that I didnt have enough milk, so that is what I told everyone (DC1 was permanently hungry after each feed).

I then went on to successfully BF my 2nd & 3rd babies (still going strong with DC3 at 11months old) - and, with the beautiful benefit of hindsight, realise that of course I had enough bloody milk with DC1, he was just getting his latch all wrong, couldn't get enough milk out of me, my nipples hurt to buggery, bled everywhere etc etc, so I gave up.

It too slightly grates me when people say 'oh I didnt have enough milk', because i now know that virtually everyone has enough milk if you just keep feeding and feeding and feeding. But for first timers who get latch wrong, or ladies who have c-sections (I had a c-section with my third and found BF WAY harder to establish than with my 2nd), BF can be really bloody tough.

I always tell people don't worry if you can't do it with one baby - it certainly doesnt mean you wont be able to with subsequent babies.

BUt yes, i agree, the 'i don't have enough milk' comment is just, unfortunately, lack of knowledge / experience or poor education from HCPs.

Oh, and I would like to pen a book called "things they don't tell you about BF".... HCPs bang on about how great it is etc etc, but they fail to tell you that it usually bloody hurts for at least 2 weeks in the beginning, BF after c-sect is tough & different to BF after vaginal delivery, umm... no-one else can help feed you baby, you might feel claustrophobic having your little bundle permanently attached to you etc etc etc...the list goes on!!!

I desperately wanted to breastfeed, I chose to do it, but my body produced very little and my DD lost too much weight.

I think you are being judgemental on your friend, how do you know for sure she doesn't have issues with supply? It's none of your business really if it's the truth or she is using it as an excuse to try and soothe the guilt she feels.

Just get on with your own thing and leave her to hers.

On one hand, I understand your issue, but would blame the lack of support and advice rather than the women themselves.

On the other hand, I genuinely did not have enough milk to EBF as I AM one of that 1%, and it broke my heart. I was bullied into top ups when my daughter was 7 weeks and I was ashamed of every bottle I gave her. Thinking that I was being judged by someone for it would have devastated me.

I am though still BFing at 15 months. It has been very important to me.

What I always struggle with is that you don't correct them because they are your friend and don't want them to feel bad for listening to the bad advice so then they believe it and other people hear them and believe it and it perpetuates the myth.

Oh please. You are being completely judgemental and clearly are not in the slightest "pro-choice" re bf. you think the only excuse is severe mental distress. News flash : that's not a choice.

Your post comes across as very judgy and patronising , "oh, it's just very hard work and some people are just too lazy to put the effort in.". As someone who had medical reasons for not having enough milk I understand that I am in the minority and, according to my gp, it's very surprising that I was able to feed ds at all. But, I don't think that all those women who say they didn't produce enough milk are wrong even without medical reasons - they are right because the effort required was simply beyond them and therefore they didn't produce enough. Their bodies might have technically been able to but doesn't change fact that they couldn't.

Either be genuinely pro choice or be honest enough to admit you think everyone should bf.

How has your friend's experience devalued the effort you put in?

You've contradicted yourself by saying everyone has their own needs, then implying that your friend didn't try hard enough.

I feel the same as you about BF and I ebf all my babies but you cannot ever judge another mother for switching to formula at any stage. You just can't! You can't go back in time and BF for her to prove she could have 'had enough milk'. There's so much more to it than that - BF is about the mother AND the baby, they both have to learn how to BF and sometimes it's not just down to the mother.