Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

[jenbird]

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

All new mothers work bloody hard, it's not a competition.

Exactly, Pickles.

Bloody glad your not my friend Jenbird

I had no milk, you probably won't believe me, we were re-admitted to hospital and my ds was put on a drip. You might not believe that either. I had midwives squeezing my boobs, pumping my boobs and I produced nothing. It was humiliating and I am sure it added to massive PND. But that is probably a made up illness too.

I think your post is horrid and it shouldn't be in the pregnancy section. I won't even bother trying to breastfeed no 2. My decision, my body, my baby. Can't wait for the BF Police to start on at me again.

Of course it bloody isn't.
I am nearly 7 months pregnant. I have 3 Dc's under 7. I run my own business.
I am knackered and my hormones are everywhere.
I am allowed to feel vulnerable.
My feelings towards this may be slightly irrational but that's why I came on here. Not to judge anyone else just "rant" about my feelings and her comments in context to how it made me feel.
I am sorry if this was the wrong board to put this on

You see if you hadn't made the comment about devaluing your effort then I would have said you have a point, people shouldn't have to feel guilty about the choices they make, or the fact that they don't really have a choice. But it's the comment about devaluing your effort which have shown your true colours OP, you want recognition for breastfeeding, you want the massive well done you are all kinda of awesome for sticking at it, and you feel shortchanged because in real life you just don't get that type of recognition, no mother does to be fair but I don't come on here and say that I should get a huge congratulations for being a mum.

It's ok to be proud of yourself, but don't expect everyone else to revel in that especially on a public Internet forum.

Well haven't you got enough on your plate without letting your friend get to you for no reason?

Your experienced at bf, offer help if needed and leave it at that.

If your mate has just had a baby she will be feeling just as vulnerable and hormonal too.

What gives one mother the right to even comment on another mother's' parenting choices. Medical reasons or choice it's not any of your business unless the other mother is feeding YOUR baby! You are perfectly entitled to be proud of bf your child but you have no right what so ever to call ff mothers liars and lazy. Unless you think ff is abusive and in that case I suggest you call ss on your poor friend quick!

Biggestregret - I have made absolutely no comment on your circumstances whatsoever or of those of anyone but myself or my friend. Why all the generalisations?

She is right in that you are commenting in another mothers feeding choices and letting them devalue your own.

Well done Jenbird. You are brilliant for sticking at bf even though it was difficult. This makes you a better mum than your friend who clearly just couldn't be bothered to breast feed and is therefore completely devaluing all the hard work you put it. FF mothers should just admit it's usually about their inadequacies and acknowledge bf mums have done a better job.

Is that what you wanted...?

Many new mothers actually believe they do not have enough milk. I believed it as didnot do my research before going into hospital. I struggled to get my DTS to latch on night 1 and was advised to top up with formula by a MW, which I refused to do but by day 3 when he had lost more than the magic 10% I had the doctors, MW, DH and MIL all on my back telling me that I did not have enough milk and so I caved in. DTD was given formula through a nasal tube from day 1 as the doctors told me that she was too small and had too low blood sugars to just be fed by my colostrum. She was too small to latch at all. They refused to discharge us until they were both gaining weight and the only way to make this happen was to bottle feed with EBM and FF.

I wish I had a 'very close friend' who could have given me advice about this before I went into hospital. Or who I felt close enough to ask when things were going wrong. I wonder if your friend wishes the same.

If you truely believe that she is lying about her reasons, perhaps you should question why it is that your 'very close friend' doesn't feel able to tell the truth to you.

I am really struggling to understand why people so vindicated by this. As I have said I am not commenting on others choices just how certain things have made me feel.
Tango - I want no recognition for BF. I am proud of the fact that I stuck it out (it was a huge personal battle). I'm not allowed to say that though for fear of making others feel bad, as has been demonstrated on here. For some reason that seems to infer that the choices/situations others find themselves in were wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't have used my friend as the example but it was her comments that prompted the feelings of frustration in me.

So would you also rant and feel devalued maples if a friend said that to you?

And it's rare but not impossible. Let's hope the poor woman is lying and not at home crying and feeling like shit as she can't breastfeed.

If we're talking about equality and the rubbishing bottle feeders feel they receive from breastfeeding advocates, how about the other way around?

OPs point was that there is a horrible myth that you don't make enough milk. Its a utter misunderstanding in the majority of cases; tends to happen around a growth spurt or when your milk is settling down, so suddenly your breasts aren't leaking so much, OR that there is a a problem with the latch. Obviously there are exceptions, but that's how it is mostly.

Its so frustrating working within the breastfeeding area, facing this time and time again. And its not the individual mothers fault - it false information being spurted by ill-educated HCPs and "helpful" family members / friends.

And for what its worth... I have corrected people. The ones who said they didn't have enough milk, so wouldn't be breastfeeding 2nd time around, even though they wanted to. I sat down and discussed exactly what was going on, why they had felt that way, and show them that it was not their fault, they were just unfortunate to not have correct information available when they needed it. All of those women have gone on to happily breastfeed for various lengths of time.

So as much as its being said here that women shouldn't be made to feel guilty for formula feeding, other women also shouldn't be made to feel guilty for breastfeeding, and supporting others in the process. And yes - dispelling myths counts as supportive, if its done in the right way.

Surely its been for OP to rant on here, and get it off her chest, than take it up with her friend?

I think most of us and just totally bewildered as to how your friend thinking her milk hasnt come in has any bearing on you breastfeeding.

It's perfectly fine to say I felt that she had been given the wrong information, but then shouldn't you feel sorry for her rather than anything else?

I think people don't understand statistics. They think 1 to 2% = incredibly rare. Actually it means that most average sized maternity units will see a woman every week or so with serious underproduction problems. It means that you, dear reader, will meet one or two women at post natal classes or baby groups who have serious underproduction problems.

I was one of those women. I spent 5 days pumping like crazy to stimulate production after a C section, then 8 weeks BF exclusively, while DS dropped off the bottom of the weight charts and went into free fall. It was women like the OP who just don't believe underproduction can ever happen who guilt-tripped me into ignoring the evidence of my own eyes (scrawny, starved looking baby with a sheen of sweat on his skin, sunken eyes with black rings round them, so exhausted from hunger he no longer cried for food) - I honestly believed women like them when they banged on about "all women can feed their baby if they try hard enough". Thank god for my lovely mother shipping me off to her (very sensible) GP and him saying "you've given breast feeding a really good try, well done, but it's time to accept it just isn't working for you". In retrospect the thing I feel guilty about is not switching to formula earlier.

And guess what - not wanting to, bleeding nipples, exhaustion, wanting to be able to leave your baby with his/her father, grandparents, etc. are also perfectly fine reasons for choosing to FF. How about being genuinely pro-choice and minding your own business, OP?

Well I hope you knew for sure before you did correct someone boob. I really do!

I tire of hearing the 'didn't have enough milk' myth too, it's down to misinformation from HCP largely, which is just awful.
I was very lucky to have been clued up enough when DD1 was 2 days old to refuse formula to 'calm her down' so I could try again with feeding later, and to insist on cup feeding her expressed colostrum when she did need something extra.
I have been told many times that I'm obviously very lucky to have a lot of milk because I've fed my two for so long.
I nod and smile when people say that because getting into it seems pointless and I don't want to be labelled as a mad 'bfing nazi', but it is incredibly frustrating.

My friend wasn't lying as such she just justified her decision not to BF by saying she had no milk. I know the reason she did so and I don't blame her. She has just had her first baby. She feels vulnerable too. She has made a decision and it is not the time to talk about that decision with her as I know that she feels guilty about it and just needs help to feel confident about motherhood in general. She has reasons (which aren't really about milk supply) and that is fine.
I came on here because of my feelings of frustration about this issue. It does not reflect on how I feel about my friend or the level of support I offer her.

Nobody once tried to make OP feel guilty about breastfeeding, it's this attitude of wanting a big massive pat on the back for it that I feel is inappropriate really, but yes it's better that she says it here where she can make hundreds of women feel inadequate as opposed to just her friend and not expect to receive some sort of backlash

I didn't continue breastfeeding as I hated it.

I don't want or need any sympathy.