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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

432 replies

jenbird · 22/08/2012 23:51

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/08/2012 11:07

Often, "didn't have enough milk/they are a very hungry baby" means "I didn't get enough support to allow me to continue", whether the mother realises it or not. Which is sad. Often it is not a true choice but just where you ended up.

The proportion of breastfeeding mothers who display militant behaviour is probably equally balanced by the number of bottle feeding mothers who proclaim that bf-ing is disgusting. i.e. very small. [shrug]

gettingdesperatenow · 23/08/2012 11:08

And yes, I totally agree with what other posters have said about the overload of information about WHY you should breastfeed and very little about HOW you breastfeed.

WeekendsAreTooShort · 23/08/2012 11:08

I think too quick to tell people is not always true. I continued to try and feed until my son fell from 90th to 2nd centile. I fed 2 hrly, expressed, topped up, was taking domperidone and using feeding attachments with ng tube. I was at the hospital every 2 days for review. I had great support and I still eventually had to add in formula. No one has any idea what this is like unless they have gone through it.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:08

No is not nice to get catsbumfaces and comments about the way you feed, its horrible and unpleasant whichever way it goes.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:10

The proportion of breastfeeding mothers who display militant behaviour is probably equally balanced by the number of bottle feeding mothers who proclaim that bf-ing is disgusting. i.e. very small. [shrug]

I agree with this 100%. Neither is acceptable.

SirBoobAlot · 23/08/2012 11:11

Pickles yes, I am, don't worry. And it tends to be that they mention it a few times in a way which indicated they're not entirely sure about what happened last time round. I know its a sensative area, I'm incredibly cautious with it :)

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:14

Thats good sirboob and I agree its sensitive but good if the person is really keen to bf the next baby that you can have that conversation at the right time.

gettingdesperatenow · 23/08/2012 11:14

Pickles, I think the catsbum faces are not about the actual breastfeeding more about 'well, how come you can do it when I couldn't?' which is why I find myself saying I've been lucky, bla bla. It's because I dislike the thought of making people feel bad...but i'm just feeding my baby. It shouldn't make people feel bad.

WoollyWoolfe · 23/08/2012 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancerama · 23/08/2012 11:17

I hate these feeding debates. I breast fed, I was lucky, aside from a bout of mastitis, it was pretty easy for me. DS gained weight and I had no issues with pain. I also had support from my mother, and a health visitor who had breast fed successfully and who reassured me through wobbles.

Plenty of my friends really struggled and moved onto formula. It worked for them. Only one friend struggles emotionally with it as she wanted so badly to breast feed.

What's important is that all these babies ARE fed and nurtured.

MrsHelsBels74 · 23/08/2012 11:19

I tried breastfeeding but after 4 days my son was hospitalised with severe jaundice because he wasn't getting enough food. I also had severe PND. I persevered but would pump for an hour & produce 40ml of milk. I was relieved when my meds were changed for PND & was told I couldn't breastfeed any more.

steben · 23/08/2012 11:20

I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path

This is what I think has got most people backs up OP - no one is de valuing your efforts - but frankly FF mothers get enough judgement piled onto them without those who have genuine issues having 'contentious rants' like this foisted upon them - basically saying they were too lazy to give it a proper go. This is one area of motherhood that really gets my coat - like another poster said all roads do lead to rome, it is not a competition and maybe people feel forced to justify why they stopped because of breastfeeding nazis piling so much pressure onto new mothers.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:23

I can see what you mean.

The thing is when you have set your heart on breastfeeding, and it didnt work out, it can be very upsetting. But that shouldn't mean you have to undermine your own efforts to spare other peoples feelings?

gettingdesperatenow · 23/08/2012 11:23

I wish people would stop saying breastfeeding nazis. As soon as I say (when asked) that yes, I am still breastfeeding I can see other women thinking 'nazi'. I'm really not.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:26

In my area, you get catsbumsfaces for FF when your baby is small, but if you dare bf past one, then they come out for you.

No one is safe.

Its shit isnt it.

Tangointhenight · 23/08/2012 11:26

gettingdesperate I doubt they are saying nazi and comparing you to one of the most horrific murderers in history :o

EldritchCleavage · 23/08/2012 11:26

Why do flippant comments about milk supply devalue the effort you put in? It is almost as though you take it as a personal slight that some women formula feed. Why do you need validation from other people over persevering with breast-feeding? You know you did well to keep going.

I've no dog in this fight, done both FF and BF, so no axe to grind. I just don't understand the sense of affront coming across about other women's actions.

OP, if you think they failed or didn't try hard enough, surely that is a cause for sorrow and compassion (plus irritation at how little our society supports BF practically) rather than offence?

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 11:32

Well I didnt have enough milk and that is a fact. How dare you assume that I am talking nonsense? How arrogant to think you know more than HCPs when you never even met me. But then I dont give a toss what people like you think. Demand = supply is nonsense, my babies lost so much weight they ended up in hospital whereas my mate was getting wet feet in Sainsburys and was in agony if she didnt express. It was a truly horrible experience and led to pnd after my first. Your experience and knowledge is very limited.

Original poster
jenbird · 23/08/2012 11:35

I didn't want to post again but I will just to say that Steben I agree with you. Maybe that wasn't the best way to phrase things. I think the key word is flippant. I wasn't commenting on reasons/circumstances I was commenting on remarks. And it was these "flippant comments" that annoyed me. I posted late at night when I myself was feeling a bit vulnerable. The wording in my post was there to start a debate but in hindsight was maybe not the best way around it.
Pickles in my selfish pregnancy riddled state I really did not even think that others maybe having issues with this. It quite simply did not occur to me that it would be construed in this way.

There is a need for this debate but many parts of this thread are not rational and are far too personal (my OP included).

I have reported this post as I really would not want any new mother/mothertobe to read it and feel judged.

OP posts:
Londonmrss · 23/08/2012 11:37

Was about to post, but just realised I was going to say the same as Eldritch above. Seems like a fairly judgemental and unnecessary original post- perhaps you just worded it badly and meant 'there isn't enough support available to people who struggle to breastfeed'?
Hope so.

brettgirl2 · 23/08/2012 11:38

OH and I think you should have the guts to be upfront so your friend can see what you are really like.

NCForNow · 23/08/2012 11:39

Actually I DIDN'T have any milk. You're talking shite op.

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 23/08/2012 11:42

OK Jen, sounds like you have enough on your plate to be honest I would just forget about your friend for now if you are feeling stressed out and vulnerable and she seems happy with her choices, and concentrate on yourself your pregnancy and being well.

If you feel she might want to bf in the future and had rubbish help, I think its a conversation for another time perhaps.

EldritchCleavage · 23/08/2012 11:45

Fair enough, OP. I hope the thread hasn't left you feeling too upset.

ErikNorseman · 23/08/2012 11:46

I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path

Yeah, that's the bit which isn't ok. Genuine supply issues are rare. I have a genuine reason why I cannot produce enough milk. I have the condition that constitutes the 2-4% of genuine supply issue cases. I don't tell people this, it's personal. If anyone asks I say I mix fed for 4 months (true) and I had supply issues (true). They might doubt my story about not having enough milk but that doesn't mean I should feel obliged to tell anyone about my personal medical issues with my breasts.

Even those women who don't have a medical reason for their low supply may still have a low supply! Poor latch, flat/inverted nipples, tongue tie, etc can all lead to understimulation of perfectly functioning breasts which in turn leads to not enough milk. That becomes a vicious cycle by which the baby gets hungry and frustrated, feeds less, mum gets stressed and upset and it all gets worse. Not Your Business how the low supply came about, and not your place to say it's just an excuse.