Breastfeeding - a contentious rant!

[jenbird]

I may get flamed for this post but here goes:

I am very pro choice when it comes to breastfeeding. I have breastfed all 3 of my babies and I plan on doing the same with this one. However I would never say just because that is my choice it is right for everyone. I understand that different people have different needs and that actually although nutritionally BF may be best if it is making the mother incredibly anxious or miserable then I believe it is not necessarily the best thing for that mother or baby.
What I do hate though is people who say "I just didn't have enough milk" when actually what they mean is "I tried breastfeeding for 2 days, I didn't like it, it didn't work for me and I have decided to bottle feed".
This has happened very recently in my life. A very good friend said she couldn't feed her baby as she didn't have any milk. The reality was that the baby was unsettled a lot and she wasn't sure what to do. Her mother said she "needed" a bottle so she went with that. Her baby is sleeping pretty well at night now and all is fine.
Breastfeeding your first can be really hard work. It hurts, it comes with a huge uncertainty and you seem to spend an inordinate amount of your time feeding but it does have it's rewards too and once you get going it is far easier.
I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path.

I obviously can't say this to my friend in RL so I bite my tongue.

Rant over. Hope I don't offend anyone. If I do blame it on crazy lady hormones!

Good maples. The same thing happened to me with my friend too, I'm glad she didn't need me to affirm her feeding choices though. That's what friends are for isn't it.

Having a new baby especially the first is hard enough without judging each other.

This is actually a very emotive subject for me. I only bf dd1 for 3 weeks because of stupid misguided comments from interfering well-meaning family members that she wasn't getting enough milk because she was doing what every damn newborn baby does constantly feeding, and therefore needed to be topped up with formula.

I was doing perfectly fine with feeding her and didn't feel that I had any problems, until someone went and bought formula and decided to feed her without saying a word to me because she was "so hungry!"

3 years on and I still get comments about not having enough milk and it makes me so damn angry just thinking about it.

Dd2 is 6mo and still bf btw!

The point is that you can't really make any comments as to why anyone stops bf, you don't know, it might not have even been their choice

my god that's awful helmondo

Well Jen the bit that has confused me is you calling it a contentious rant, then saying her saying that is devaluing her efforts.

LST that's totally fair enough.

jen you must know that for some people supply is an issue, and to be honest that post could really upset a person going through that.

This thread is getting ridiculous and I am not going to read or post anymore as I find it upsetting.
Tango I think your post is incredibly unfair. I had no intention of making anyone feel that way. And now as in real life I feel alienated for feeling how I do and am not actually able to discuss it.

Helmondo

That's awful. I had absolutely terrible support too. Its very upsetting I know.

Women do have medical reasons such as pcos that means the number of receptors in the breast are low. This means they CANNOT produce enough milk. They can be assisted in increasing the amount by taking drugs such as domperidone but usually will still need to feed, express and top up. Due to this they are doing more to help feed their baby than the others who only need to feed 4-6 hrly. It is exhausting but they will do it if it helps their baby. The judgemental looks and comments from others who know nothing about this, including some health professionals, is scandalous

I think if a mums wants a big pat on the back, for breast feeding, she should bloody well get it. It's a great achievement. Granted, she's only doing what her body and baby expect her to do, it's the "normal" way for a baby to feed, but still, I don't have any problems congratulating a mum
for her breast feeding acheivement. Especially if she persevered because it wasn't very easy to begin with. In this country, the odds are stacked against you if you choose to breast feed, UNLESS you arm yourself with info and are prepared to dismiss the crap that many HCPs throw at you.

I'd congratulate a mum for trying, I'd commiserate with a mum if it didn't work out how she wanted.

Congratulations and commiserations for those who really deserve it. Being a mum can be a thankless job sometimes.

There is a lot of bitterness on this thread. I wonder if mums in Nepal, Mongolia, and other parts of the undeveloped world spend their time hating on each other about their baby feeding choices?

In defence of breast feeders, how many times have formula feeders been characterised as "Nazis" or "The Mafia"?

Surely you aren't that surprised that you have upset a few people - posting a 'contentious rant' and starting your post with 'I may get flamed for this'....
Yes you were right about that

Its not the fact that you bf that has got you the flaming, its your 'me me me' attitude - your poor friend has just had a baby and she can't talk to you about her feelings because she obviously knows your thoughts about bf v ff.

Fwiw depsite my initial difficulties I am still bf my twins at 9mo and when I am told by new mums at twin group that they don't have enough milk I feel sympathetic towards them, not angry. Can't really understand you feeling so aggrieved.

Well OP I think your post, in a pregnancy forum, is unfair to be honest, unfair of you to your friend and anyone else who has had similar issues.

I didn't say what I did to hurt your feelings in any way, but you surely didn't expect to not get some sort of flaming for your post?

All the best with your pregnancy.

jen i really hope someone with REAL (as you believe that to be a lie from what i read) supply issues do not read this today and feel like a terrible mother.

bless your friend i hope she does not feel judged

If your friend is feeling guilty and vulnerable, why is it not the time to talk about "her decision"? Seems like a good time actually to reassure her that she's not doing anything wrong and whatever her reasons there's nothing wrong with FF, etc.

Because really, that's the only thing that should be said to a struggling mum. No reason not to say it now.

Who is being bitter? I don't know your personal story about feeding and you don't know mine.

I know some people breast feed as naturally as can be, and for some people it's a real struggle and they succeed and that's bloody commendable.

But it's not a competition, and what people are reacting to here is op letting her friend devalue her choices in her own mind. She shouldn't.

ceeveebee the reason why ff don't get called 'nazis' etc is because they don't try to push their way of feeding down everyone's throat or try to make them feel guilty for not choosing their way.

In my experience most breastfeeders don't either but the tiny minority who do are to blame for those overreactions.

I struggled and the effort I put is not recognised and yet I am not really allowed to say anything as to this effect as I may make others feel guilty for not doing it.

But why do you need 'recognition'? You know what you did.

Please have more compassion for people who didn't have your staying power.

With due respect OP, if you feel you can't discuss your feelings on this in real life OR on the internet without alienating people, that should make you stop and think.

Jenbird I haven't read all the replies, but I could have written your OP.

I breastfed all my DC until they were around 18 months. I think that all around you when you are pg there are leaflets and articles promoting breastfeeding, but when I finally had my baby and wanted to make BFing work, there was nobody to help me. The midwives, although lovely, seemed too busy or too inexperienced on the subject to help.

I think if I hadn't been lucky enough to have a friend who had BFed her DC I may have given up in fear of starving my baby! I came out of hospital within 24 hours of having my first, and my friend was on hand to help with latching on; to tell me that the discomfort (at first) was normal, that it would get better, and most importantly, to persevere. I was so glad I did. I have since helped friends and family members in the same way

I feel so sad when I hear people say they 'weren't able to breast feed' for the same reasons you describe. It's all very well promoting BFing in theory, but in RL the practical help doesn't seem to be there - unless you happen to have a friend or sister who has been there, done that

And comparing feeding mothers to nazis absolutely disgusts me so don't just assume that all ff see breastfeeding advocates as nazis!

I just hate those flippant comments about not having any milk when actually it is just about choice. Don't devalue the effort I put in just because you didn't want to go down that path

This is really the problem. This does not come across to me as worried about not enough support, or bad information, its just judgemental.

In essence, this post has sadly shown just how emotive a subject breastfeeding Vs formula feeding is...

I said it back on page 2 (or wherever - the post has gotten so long I've lost track!), and I'll say it again - my darling FF 5yr old is now at school and no-one would ever know (or care!) how he was fed as a baby! He appears in no worse or better health than his 3yo and 10mo BF baby sisters.

In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter how a baby is fed, and if you think forward to when your child will be 18yrs old, boozing beer down a pub, the 6 or 12 or more months of BF or FF will be so irrelevant.

I can fortunately only say this with the benefit of experience, and I totally appreciate the stress & trauma that 1st time mums are under with regards to BF. I've been there, got the t-shirt and have come out unscathed (relatively!) the other side!

Best wishes to all new mums expecting babies in the near future - don't stress about the feeding debate, have the confidence to do whatever you feel is best for both your baby AND yourself.

I also feel very strongly about this. Where I live breastfeeding rates are very low. Most of my friends insist that they could not breastfeed. I think they say this because either they feel guilty that they didn't like it and found it stressful, or they really believe this because they don't understand what is normal behaviour for a breastfeeding baby - that they do feed all the time, they will not go four hours between feeds, it's hard for the mother to be the only one who can do much at all for the baby.

I breastfed my first baby for 12 months and am currently feeding my five month old. It was not easy with either if them - cracked bleeding nipples with the first, the second was readmited to hospital at five days old as he had lost too much weight and I was said to have 'failed' to establish breastfeeding. I breastfeed because I think it is right for me and my children. I don't care how others feed their babies but I do care about the misinformation there is about. When my youngest had his six week check, I was asked how I was feeding him and the doctor refused to believe I was exclusively feeding him, and then grudgingly said 'well you will have to start topping him up eventually'

I find myself apologising for breastfeeding and saying 'well I have been really lucky...it's been quite easy' when i see people's catsbum faces when i say i am breastfeeding - when this isn't actually true. I worked hard to keep going with both of them - to correct a bad a v painful latch with DC1 and to just establish the while thing with DC2 who was slightly prem. Why should I apologise for that? Why is it not OK to say that I'm proud?

Find this OP quite upsetting as I am a mother who could not exclusively BF my DD, mainly because it was extremely painful. I have flat nipples and DD had a terrible latch from day 1. Being told by my MW that BF shouldn't hurt ever was less than helpful and made me feel useless. Subsequent visits from BF support workers still couldn't shed any light on why things weren't working out for us so after 2 weeks and lots of blood and tears I switched to mix feeding with formula and expressed breast milk. No-one told me that I would need to express nearly every 2 hours to be able to keep my supply up to anything like a decent amount for DD and eventually it did just dry up and I had to stop feeding at 6 weeks. This completely broke my heart, although my nipples had healed around the 3-4 week mark and I knew I could try BF again if I wanted to, I had such a mental block with the whole thing that I just couldn't bring myself to do it and it was starting to affect how I felt about DD - I resented her every time she cried for a feed.
I was diagnosed with PND and anxiety disorder when DD was 11mo and I genuinely think the guilt over our feeding issues had a lot to do with that.
I understand that what you feel is breast is best but you have to accept that it's not an option for everyone regardless of how much they want to do it. I'm sure you might argue that I should have just persevered, pain or not for the sake of my baby getting "the best possible start in life" but personally I feel that salvaging my sanity and improving the bond we had was more improtant than struggling to breast feed.
I'm all for breast feeding and will try again if I have another but I don't judge people who can't or won't.