High need baby support thread

[LittleWaveyLines]

Does this sound like your baby?

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Wont sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

If so - join the club! :)

I'm on 5/6 - thankfully ok with car seat and pram!!

Well my very wonderful but attention intensive DD has just woken up so quickly... I cope by cosleeping and slinging.... I have released my inner hippy!

How is everyone else doing?

"it does feel like I'm being judged - like I've made him this way by always picking him up etc" (from previous thread)

I personally think that this is the definition of a high needs baby!!!

When you get the judgements and the comments of "well if you only did this" or "don't you think he does it because you do that".

AND when people make these comments you can guarantee that they have NOT had a high needs baby!

Ooh 5/6 for me too...

Lucky us eh? ;)

You know you've got a high needs baby when...

• You become the local sling expert
• You go to bed at 7pm every night
• You just can't Do It Anymore. It's just horrible. Please, someone take this thing away. But you can't tell anyone because you have to also say, "but I DO love him SO much". Then you just feel like a terrible parent. :(

Nice to have a thread where the "but I do love him/her SO much" is a given. We all know we do. It's the rest of it that is tough!

(or is that just me? :) )

Ha ha- def not just u!! Oh I've also released an inner hippy!!! Never thought I'd learn to 'go with the flow' quite this much

Ditto! Although sometimes I still have to talk myself round to going with said flow.... ;)

It's all so easy to plan it out when you're pregnant eh? Oh how far from reality I was!! :D

DD1 was a high needs baby and is now a high needs toddler/pre-schooler. I have had a few comments about her, I think it's difficult for people to understand a HN baby/toddler unless they've had one. Dr Sears has lots of good advice on HN babies. I coped by getting a decent, comfy sling and co-sleeping. So yes, I am a sling expert and I still go to bed early most nights

hi. i had a high needs baby who is now a high need's 3 year old. if it offers some comfort ds2 who is 6 weeks is a breeze in comparison!

High needs toddler here.

Is this the place you can moan about lack of sleep without someone suggesting you try a bedtime routine?

Ha! I had an ultra easy one the first time round so I also had pre-conceived ideas of how wonderful a parent I am .

Still, it gives me patience with the "helpful" comments and advice as before DS2 I'd honestly not understood it. Being a mum seemed soooo easy!

To give you some idea, he slept through (with no feeds) from 7-7 from 3 months (EBF). His cot from 2 weeks. Fell asleep with every car journey. I went back to work when he was 3 weeks old and he came into the office with me - an hour's journey each way - slept the whole way and had 2 naps a day PLUS 12 hours at night. Naps at 10am and 3pm on the dot.

And yet - because he was undemanding he ended up in his own room/own cot and suffered from night terrors and nightmares, and is now (aged 7) very attached to teddies. Was a thumb sucker until 6 yrs. I didn't know about attachment parenting at the time and the risks of not keeping him close, even though he didn't demand it. I see the downsides of that now, albeit he's a great kid, and even though he didn't seem to need it at the time.

He's still undemanding - apparently - but gets unhappy when I don't give him enough attention (which is hard with his baby brother needing me so much). I try to have me and him time every day if possible which we both treasure.

What's a HN toddler looking like....
Could it be:

1. clingy and shy with strangers
2. incredibly fussy eater (to the point where I worry he has food phobia) and wants to be fed - he can but he won't feed himself
3. wakes up calling for mum once every night
4. atention seeking (can play by himself for up to 15 min but that's it)
5. slightly obssesive (has to have 5 objects - pens, blocks, cars etc - of different colour arranged in a certain order)
6. refusing potty training and refusing to dress himself

Does this ring any bells or is it just mine :(

OH no so sorry OP I just realised what I've done there - please evryone ignore me - I didn't mean to highjack the thread
I'll ask MNHQ to delete my post

MsBrian, this is my HN toddler-

1. clingy and shy with strangers- not really
2. incredibly fussy eater (to the point where I worry he has food phobia) and wants to be fed - he can but he won't feed himself- yep, she literally runs away screaming when offered some foods. But, still BF so not worried about her diet.
3. wakes up calling for mum once every night- once?! HA!!
4. atention seeking (can play by himself for up to 15 min but that's it)- she's very intensive and sociable, yes.
5. slightly obssesive (has to have 5 objects - pens, blocks, cars etc - of different colour arranged in a certain order)- not especially, maybe on a bad day if she's tired.
6. refusing potty training and refusing to dress himself- I'm leaving her to potty train herself. Lately though she's been holding in poo so I'm having to dose her with lactulose :(

I don't think you're hi-jacking, some of the HN baby people might like a heads-up Having a high-needs toddler can be tough sometimes but other times it's great, she notices everything and gets excited about the smallest things. Once you're in tune with them then you know what presses their buttons and you can avoid certain situations that might make them freak out.

This is a lovely book with lots of practical tips and supportive words for anyone with a high-needs child. I think they do improve as they get older but some quicker than others.

Thanks EauRouge that's very kind
Having looked at the description of that book I have to confess it doesn't sound like DS is a typical HN toddler as he is not terribly energetic or high spirited or overly excitable.
I think he may be just a spoiled brat!

Hijack over...

Hi mums of high need babies and tots,

this is a message from the future:
This will all pass... and it doesn't mean anything about your little baby's future personality.

I saw this thread in "most active", so stumbling in really.

I had a very high need baby (exclusively breastfed as he refused bottles, eventually weaned him to cup. He cried 3-4 hours a day . He did not want to be held, but neither did he want to be left alone. Always a fussy eater, even as a baby, constantly "angry" about things (like having to go in car seat)). I have cried a fair bit myself those days .

Anyway, he is now 9 and over the years he has become a very calm and happy child. I needed lots of patience, lots and lots and lots. He is almost not a fussy eater anymore (I am still pushing his boundaries in this, almost there).

Basically I needed regular breaks (it's very stressful and exhausting having a baby like this, and then THE GUILT! for feeling that way. pffffffff), lots of help whenever I could get it. And lots of patience. I started out pretending to be patient, then the real patience developed over time.

I remember doing one hour at the time, and if we had a meltdown, to just "give up" at some point (let him cry it out, and go and have a cup of tea, then return to the screaming infant).

Like I say, he is a very balanced and calm and happy sort of child now.

I still don't know what it was all about though, and I guess I never will. A big thing that helped me as well was acknowledgement from my MIL (of all people) and a friend that I did nothing wrong, but that my lovely DS was just a lot harder than most babies to deal with.

Courage everyone.

Yes, DS is HN! He's fine and happy as long as we do everything his way which is intensive playing, sling naps while I walk, instant nappy changes, not being confined to the high chair and going from happy and engaged to shrieking in 10s and woe betide mummy if she's having a wee and can't pick him up right away.

That list rings so many bells.

Waaaah. Can I join? Spent this afternoon sobbing, trying to get DS to sleep. Constantly feel judged by others because he will only sleep next to me. Feel like a total failure as a mother today. Have been visiting my parents for a week and it has become even more apparent that he is high needs. Am embarrassed at the lengths I have to go to to settle him. He doesn't seem to be improving. I don't know what to do. Help!

"going from happy and engaged to shrieking in 10s and woe betide mummy if she's having a wee and can't pick him up right away. "

Ha - I totally relate to this, it's amazing how quick they switch!

Welcome new ladies :)

I think feeling judged is a really common thing, but none of us are failures! We need to recognise that we understand our child's needs and we are fulfilling them where we can. That makes us good mothers, not bad ones.

Thanks OCC. I just worry so much. Think everyone else believes I'm 'indulging' him (rods, back etc). And I can't see how he'll ever get better. I like co-sleeping, but not going to bed at 6:30pm every night. But if I don't, he'll wake up every 20 minutes until I give up and go to bed. Then he wakes every 2 hours. Am exhausted but the thought of doing any sort of CC or CIO makes me want to cry. Someone please tell me it'll get easier and he will eventually learn to sleep by himself, just for a few hours!

Sorry for being whingey, by the way. Normally, I'm resigned and ok about everything. But being at my parents (and getting a few looks) has made me feel massively insecure.

how old QueenKong? Ds was like that - 20 to 40 mins in evening till about 6 months then he would usually sleep 3 then 4 hours in the evening and then loads more wakings all night. Except teething time.

So it will get better. Well not as bad.

Totally get what you mean about being embarrassed about the length to get them to sleep btw.