High need baby support thread

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Does this sound like your baby?

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Wont sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

If so - join the club! :)

Hi all, I'm the proud owner of a HN baby too :) she is nearly 11 months. I recognise all of the traits mentioned; it's so nice to find others who are in the same situation, I can whole heartedly recognise the thinking that it's you not them, having to endure the 'helpful' advice and the envy of the content, passive, sleepy babies that other mums have!
My DD is starting with a childminder next week, do any of you have any experience of this? So far the settling sessions haven't gone well - is there any light at the end of the tunnel?
Also, to give you some positives, my DD was so much happier when she learnt to crawl, it's like she is in a huge rush not to be a baby. She already doesn't like me doing things for her so with each milestone I think things will get easier. Fingers crossed :)

Hi KittyBump I've got nursery to come yet - trying not to think about it!

Good to get positives too - and another one - my DD is sooo much more interesting and alert than the other less demanding babies in my little group..

I've thought quite a lot about childcare. I don't need to worry for another 8 months, but still, I seriously wonder how on earth I could get DS settled under someone else's care. Surely no one else could be expected to hold him all day and be pinned to the sofa while he naps! Of course he could be completely different by the time it comes round, but it has made me feel I have to consider not going back to work at the end of my ML, which wasn't something I thought would be on the cards. How in earth do other people find the right care for their high needs child?

Hmmm, after DD's settling session on Tuesday the CM said she was ok if she held her all the time but that this made it somewhat difficult making lunch for all the other children! she has got much better about not being constantly held by me at home now she is mobile and can explore and play but I think she feels unsettled at the CMs. CM seems to think she'll be ok in a few weeks, I'm keeping an open mind! I will let you know how we get on. I will be working M,T,W full days - and my salary is definitely not enough for a nanny so I will have to quit my job if the CM doesn't work out.
But YY to HN babies being more fun she is so sociable and alert and interested in everything!

DS2 loves nursery but it took him several months to settle in. I used to go to feed him 3 times a day so he wasn't without me too long. But now he goes a whole day and adores it. He gets to do stuff ALL day which he thinks is wonderful. He is such a happy little thing, very independent and a real lover of life. So different to how he was as a baby.

And for a baby who would never nap at home, they just rock him to sleep within minutes at nursery the little bugger.

spannerpants I'm sooo with you. I promise it gets better. It really does.

Several months!! I can feel the guilt already :( and I can't even go and feed her during the day. I'm going to be an emotional wreck (with huge boulder like boobs as I have been crap at consistently not feeding her during the day) arrggghhhhh

Would your childminder be up for wearing her in a sling when needed?

My lo 4 months is showing most (if not all) of the traits listed. And I agree with LWL, I think other babies are boring in comparison!!! Ha. My dh was exactly the same as ds as a baby.....so I blame him. Not that ds will let him help much though, mummies boy too! Mine started 1 day a week at CM last week to settle in ready for new year.....so far so good. But she says 'he likes a lot of cuddles doesn't he?!" and "he only got 30 minute naps today, is that usual?!". My thought was 'usual?? - that's bloody good! Took me months to get 30 mins!!!!' haha.

Oh god, am dreading nursery. Can just imagine the faces on the staff when I tell them he will nap during the day - you just have to lie next to him in a darkened room (no light or stimulation of any sort - even a blanket is too much fun) and let him chomp away at your nipples for an hour. Oh and when he is fast asleep, don't even think of sneaking away to do anything useful like shower or go to the toilet. HE WILL KNOW and you'll have to start the whole rigmarole again! Luckily, I have 10 months before he is due to start nursery.

kitty well, I think that me going also disrupted him and he'd probably have settled in faster if I'd not gone. But he needed the milk... It was also only 2 days a week so he had to get used to it again each time.

To be fair, although he did cry when I left he settled quickly and was really ok - honestly. They're a really responsive team and would carry him as needed. Now he just kicks to go down and run around :)

This all sounds very much like dd, although she was OK with car seat and pram. According to her, the only way to was sling/in arms, bf constantly and co-sleep. We quickly sucumbed! Anyway, take heart as she is now a gorgeous 8 year old. OK, so she's sensitive and a bit high maintenance but intelligent, very agreeable, funny and remarkably well-behaved. You really can take her anywhere and she'll attract positive remarks.

So do what you're doing. One day these high need babies will sleep through the night and grow into little people who make your heart sing.

That's lovely Always.
Ime babies are different with a cm!! It's mummy they want and will tolerate a lot more (or less!) from other people!! A cm is also more detached (with no boobie milk) and it can make it easier for cm to create a routine etc. So I wouldn't worry too much!

My goodness, how this thread has multiplied!!!
We Are Not Alone

Aaawww Thank you Always

Mampig - we are indeed in good company

Wow, this thread has moved on quickly.

I'm coping ok with the constant demands for attention - its the low weight gain that really sends me over the edge (but that's a whole other thread).

With regards to the car issue I have done the following, I have no idea which of these works but it has got better:

Repeat visits to a cranial osteopath (preferably one that treats lots of babies) DS had a lot of tension down one side (probably partly down to TT and partly down to a very very long 1st stage of labour and a very quick 2nd stage). The Osteo sessions mean that he will now lie on his back and doesn't scream as much.

I can't recommend a good Osteo highly enough actually. It's amazing how many things can be affected by just a bit of tension in their head.

I put a nursery rhyme CD on and I sing along (freres jacques seems to work well).

I've attached a flashing musical thing to the handle of his car seat for distraction purposes (not sure what's worse sometimes the screaming or the tinny, electronic rendition of william tell)

Long journeys undertaken only when he's full of food and very sleepy.

Hope you are all finding your own coping mechanisms.

(LOLing at tinny William Tell accompanied by crying )

When the screaming starts william tell has to stop - I can't cope with both.

Oh, gosh a year ago I would have been joining this thread. Maybe even 2 months ago. There is light at the end of the tunnel everyone!

Now where's the thread for stroppy, determined, high need toddlers?

OK I've read the thread and I think I'm eligible to join? DD is nearly 17 months.

My DS was a high need baby but DD is just something else. I went to stay with my parents for a few weeks when she was about 6 months old and they were convinced they were going to "sort her out". Well they succeeded in totally undermining my confidence in my own instincts for a while until I decided enough was enough. I got the Sears Baby Book out of the library and suddenly everything made sense. They were describing my DD to a tee! From then on it was feeding on demand and co-sleeping all the way - and I got my sanity back.

Whoever was wondering if it is inherited - I'm sure it is in our case. My mum is convinced my sins are being revisited on me. I used to scream all evening, every evening for months apparently. Not sure whether I was just left to get on with it or not. But I was most definitely a high need baby and child and DD (and DS) are clearly just the same.

But they are so worth the effort. Children like this are so rewarding. DS has such a lovely nature. He's mature, sensitive, he has real empathy for the feelings of others, he is so chatty and animated, gets on really well with adults (to their frequent confusion). But yes he can be an absolute nightmare on a bad day.

DD is turning into such a lovely little girl, but boy does she have a temper on her. She is determined beyond belief and is such a little character already. But again she has a lovely caring nature and she's bright as a button - same as DS. You know, I wouldn't have them any other way.

(She started sleeping through the night 6 weeks ago)

Oh the joy. Fell asleep at 9pm. Awake at 12, then 2am. Did 2 big poos (cutting our first tooth at the moment) then back to sleep at 3. Then awake at 5 to start the day. Why doesn't my baby need any sleep? It's all I can do to stop myself sobbing. Not a good way to start the day.

Wow - I've found my home on mumsnet! This thread has enticed me out of long time lurking! My baby ticks all the boxes and as I type is in the bed (not his side car cot) lying right next to me.

It's hard because he was quite chilled out until about 3 and a half months - he used to sleep in his cot, car seat and pram. Then suddenly he wouldn't sleep in his cot, stopped taking expressed milk, started screaming in his pram and car seat, started waking every one or two hours in the night and couldn't be put down in the evening even once he's been fed to sleep. But he is bright, engaged and interested in everything.

We're managing by co sleeping, taking the sling everywhere (invested in a boba ssc which is amazing) and avoiding the car if at all possible).

Glad to have found you all - it's so nice to know that it's not just us!

It's amazing seeing all the people joining this thread! Great to meet you all :-)

Slightly better night for us I guess. In bed at 6.30 (me too!) then mostly 2 hour stretches until 4.50 when the windy bum woke him for the day. He typically wakes at 5ish (was a much more respectable 6 until the damn clocks went back!).

Is early waking another typical feature of our DCs?

Morning. Dd2 fits the description. She's 17 months and really full on. Ds who is now 13 was the same. Dd1 was so different. We still co-sleep and have no routine. I'm exhausted. So is dh who is sahd. But at least having done it before I know this stage will end and having had a non-HN baby I know it hasn't occurred because I'm incompetent. I have found such comfort in that!

Feeling so low today girls. I really shouldn't, as DS has been sleeping marginally better than he normally does for the last 2 days. (2/12-3 hourly feeds rather than every 2 hours). But I do. I even said to DH that I wish I could go to work and he stay home in my place. I find myself daydreaming about going back to work and being able to take my time milling around the shops at lunch rather than going at the speed of light (if at all) because DS is howling at being in his pram.

I find myself wishing the time away and I really hate that - I know I'll regret it as I'll never have my first baby ever again. I try to stay positive, but today I just feel shit.

I know today will be exactly like every day. DS will feed and fall asleep on me for a nap. I'll be running down the battery on my iPhone because if I move, he wakes up and will not go back to sleep, either still on me, or anywhere else. I feel chained to the house - if I do go for a walk it is brief as he cries (although sometimes falls asleep for 30 mins). I have to hold him 90% of the time, and he is so finicky about slings that I generally just hold him.

Did I do this to him? When he was tiny, he wasn't always held, but was most of the time. I'm scared that between this and my continued breastfeeding issues, I'm not enjoying him as much as I should and want. I want to enjoy my baby. I'm not sure where I'm going with this really. DH has just left for work and I can't stop the tears.

I thought I'd be coping better than this at 4 months in. I've not left his side for the whole time, save for one afternoon that I went to a first aid course for him. I think I'm quite lonely, but suffer terribly with shyness and motivation. I know I should be going to baby groups and stuff, but with DS how he is, I can't bear the thought. I wish I was stronger so I could go.

This isn't how I imagined I'd be as a mum. I thought I'd be doing better than this.

Sorry for venting here. Just feeling it a bit today.

Hope you all are doing ok this morning x

tickleme63 Oh poor you! It's horrible to feel like that isn't it? Are there any groups you could get to if you really tried? I'm about to pluck up the courage to go to a breastfeeding support group as it's only 10mins drive away - and DD has actually been happily kicking on her playmat for about 10 mins without much interaction from me!

I don't think we "did" this to our babies. I am wracked with guilt now that I can't remember having skin on skin just after she was borm (was a bit out of it) so don't know if we did. I do know I felt sooo shaky for 4 days I was scared to hold her, so she didn't get much holding then - did that create it? No, I don't think it did - I think she is just how she is....

Which slings have you tried? I had to persevere but my DD is now happy in a stretchy wrap sling as long as she gets a break from it every hour...

Hope your day gets better,... is there anyone you could call to come round?

Hi tickle- sorry u are feeling so low today. Fwiw, I think we all have days like this, and everything is a problem. It's hard to see the bigger picture. My first child was hn ( only realizing this now btw) and I was same as u. Some days I wanted to 'give him back' as it was all so hard. You are coping with so much, including a hn baby, lifestyle change (major one at that), too much time on your own etc. You already know the answers to your q- you did not do this to your baby!! All young babies need held, just that your (ours) like it more! This is a time of transition and major change in any womans life, and it is not all sweetness and lite- it's bloody hard work!!! With my first, I know now that it took me ages to bond- something which happened immediately with my second ( 3rd and 4th!!!). Everything is new, and somedays you feel out of your depth- we've all been there . Dont worry, you'll feel different tomorrow, and the next day. I'm having a good day today, but yesterday I was having serious confidence issues- it's all about change, accepting who you are, accepting that your baby is not a robot, and that you are a wonderful mum- you will be fine- you've got all of us here anyway . I'd have been in a very different place with ds without mn!!!