Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

My father said boarding school had that many bullies that you end up having to become a bully yourself.

My children loved their boarding schools

Parents who’ve sent their dc to such schools may well have vested interested in not telling the whole story.

My grandparents just saw boarding school as a good thing and didn't care how miserable their kids were.

Boarding school absolutely annihilated all my cousins who went.
all four of them are still in therapy in their thirties and forties.
SIL also still in therapy for her Complex PTSD related to boarding.
my sisters and I were day pupils for a bit, and you could pay extra to occasionally board and that was fun sometimes!
I later went to a selective state grammar and a very good comp (we went to a very catholic public school attached to our church an our family moved away from this) think i preferred the comp to be honest (although this might just have been because we could walk there in 7 minutes from the house without crossing the road and could roll our lazy bottoms out of bed at 8:15 if we wanted!

Of course it will change him. He will be influenced by people outside of his sphere - other boys and teachers. And he will go through puberty around these influences which naturally change a boy anyway. He will spend more time at school than with you and therefore will change beyond your family culture and values.

Nobody comes out of boarding school gentle… please do some research on UK boys boarding if you believe there’s a chance of this. Few teen boys stay gentle as it is at day school.

Yeah I’ll just need to accept that that’s the school he’s chosen. He’s very excited he has older cousins who are there some who are going to university this sept and they all speak fondly of their experiences. Everyone is different my son might hate it or even up thriving we just have to wait and see I guess

My dc board and love it. They are absolutely thriving and becoming confident and happy, well rounded individuals. I’m sure that given the right day school environment they would have done the same however due to their father’s military career they didn’t get the stability they needed. It was absolutely the right decision for us and I’m so proud of the people they are. They are independent and capable but still loving, thoughtful and happy. To say they all become bullies or imply they are all mentally disturbed is not representative at all of the dc I know.

Very odd that you’ve apparently taken an adult decision for your child’s wellbeing and education - but posted such an inflammatory thread on this board, @Hattieeagle.

You must have known it would attract the solemn warnings of posters’ parents and grandparents - none of whom will have attended a boarding school in 2026.

So I suspect you are not posting in good faith.

If you are - you may find this programme (Ep 3) helpful:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m00282gw

Sorry I’m confused ? What have I said that’s inflammatory. I don’t think I’ve said anything untoward to anyone. If I have I apologise.

These threads are difficult as those replying all have their own agendas. The replies I find hardest to know what to do with are usually from:

1. Some family member (usually older) had a dreadful time in a very old fashioned boarding school with no pastoral care and abusive staff members. Often some level of neglect from parents too, which is then difficult to pick apart from what happened at school.
2. Parents of current boarders who say their children are happy, even though children are very good at knowing what their parents want to hear even if they’re struggling.

Those who have recently left these schools are unlikely to be on Mumsnet to offer a more relevant opinion.

FWIW all of the Old Radleians that I know speak very highly of their school, apart from one who is now nearly 60 and never felt like he fitted in for a number of reasons and was very much just “sent away”. The younger ones (20s) seem to have a lovely group of friends from school and still holiday together and go to each others weddings etc.

I know far, far more people who were traumatised by their day schools (state and independent) but then I also know more people who went to those schools than boarded. Their parents don’t know what happened to them at school.

It sounds like your son will do well and as he has a concerned, loving parent, he is off to a great start. Why did he choose Radley in particular?

@Hattieeagle you have invited the entire internet to gather here to explain how boarding school destroyed their familial relationships and ruined their lives.

The question you are posing is one any normal responsible parent considers at the start of their journey towards choosing a school. Not on an open forum weeks before the child starts.

Thank you, this is a really thoughtful reply. I agree that these discussions are difficult because people are often coming from very different places, and it can be hard to disentangle the school experience itself from the circumstances around a child’s upbringing, the era they were at school, and their own personality and needs.

I also think both sides of the discussion have something valuable to say. A child saying they are happy is meaningful, but it’s also true that children can sometimes adapt to environments and tell parents what they think they want to hear. Equally, someone who had a very difficult experience many years ago may be describing something very real, even if the school they experienced is not necessarily the same one a child would experience today.

In our case, Radley appealed because his father went there so we already knew quite a bit about the school. As well as that our son has 3 cousins who attend the school currently and 1 who has recently left for university and has fiends extremely well. He went travelling now is ready to study economics and maths Durham. All of them speak very fondly of the school. We feel as though we know what the school is like now compared to the 90s as we can’t just rely on my husband’s experience. We also weren’t simply looking for an academically strong school. We were looking for a place where our son could grow into himself. A school where boys are encouraged to work hard, but also to throw themselves into sport, music, drama, leadership, outdoor activities and the wider life of the community.

We were also attracted to the fact that Radley seemed to have a strong tradition and identity, but without feeling like it was only looking backwards. That is one of the things our son mentioned even in his interview he wants to be a Radleian.

Ultimately, we chose it because we felt it matched who our son is and who we hope he will become. He loved the school, we considered other schools but it’s one he really really liked and is very excited for the opportunities and things he’ll get involved in. He has already planned what he wants to get involved in hopes to get better at lacrosse and wants to continue rowing. He is someone who enjoys being challenged, likes being part of a team, and we felt he would benefit from the structure, opportunities and community that boarding can provide. We are not expecting it to be perfect no school is but we felt it offered the right environment for him to flourish.

And I think the point you make about having a concerned and loving parent is probably the most important one. Boarding is a partnership between child, school and family, and our role is to stay close enough that he can tell us honestly how it’s going, whether the answer is “great” or “I’m struggling”. We will support him with any decision he makes if he dislikes it that’s fine too.

Well, if I'm remembering rightly, the OP also has another concurrent thread about suddenly regretting the decision to send her DS to a single-sex school, so I suspect you're right, as surely no averagely responsible parent makes all the decisions necessary to send their child to a boarding school and then suddenly starts having the kind of basic misgivings you would obviously address at the start of the process.

No normal parent basically posts 'Whoops, I'm accidentally sending my child to a single-sex boarding and I have cold feet at pretty much the point he's about to start packing'.

And you have another thread about this:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5559289-aibu-to-worry-an-all-boys-school-might-not-create-the-well-rounded-person-i-want-my-ds-to-be?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Is it against MN rules I didn’t know we couldn’t have multiple threads sorry.

I have had the thought from the start. Didn’t say I was a normal parent. We gave him all the options and this was the school he chose and at the end of the day it is his choice what school he goes to.

@Hattieeagle I think it's normal to have worries if you've made the right choice, especially when it feels huge and significant (and permanent).

I would encourage you to remember that you don't choose a school once - you re-choose every year, always evaluating how your DC is doing, whether the right school choice for the GCSE years is the right one for A-levels, etc.

So, if your DC is excited and wants to make a go of it, go for it - but keep it under review, just as you would with any decision. I hope that takes the weight out of it - it's not as seismic and final a choice as you think!

I worked as for 3 years as a teacher and a house mistress in a co-ed boarding school. I would not send my DCs to one.

Boarding school was Ok for one of my cousins and has fucked up the other one. Their relationship with thwir parents never has recovered.

I can't think of a single reason I would ever send my children to boarding school unless I was somehow forced into it a through war and it was the only safe option. I would hate to be away from them and would also not want to risk it being a bad experience for them. My 15 year old still needs to have chat with me now and again, but it can take them a while to build up to talking about the important stuff. If they were away during that time, I can't imagine how awful it would be.

A young lad can’t really make that decision though, as he has no prior experience. He will have been influenced by you and his father, not necessarily intentionally, but tone of voice, more enthusiasm when looking around differing schools, etc, etc.
for some young people boarding schools are brilliant, giving them the security they need, forge deep friendships, enable growth in sporting / musical / academic abilities. For others boarding schools have broken them, and they’ve been stuck in Dante’s circle of hell for potentially 7 long years (or 5 if they start at 13 and stay for sixth form). It’s impossible to say which way it will go for your son. So long as you have a strong relationship with great communication, so he can tell you if he’s struggling and you are prepared to move him if needs be, then see how he gets on. Just be aware it can be a bit trickier moving to some schools for years 10 and 11, as some of them start GCSE syllabus in year 9. So if he’s struggling by Christmas then look at moving for the summer term.

Radley is a great school and an excellent choice, whoever made it.
Your son sounds like a boy who will flourish as a boarder, because he has the qualities that will make him a good friend and housemate, that others will like to be around. I think the trope of beefy boys’ schools is an anachronism, albeit no doubt true for fathers and brothers of MNers. Boys’ schools pay close attention to decent behaviour and how to be a ‘good bloke’. My DSs left their similar school as lovely adult versions of the boys they were when they arrived. Grown in many ways but still themselves. They have amazing social skills that they honed living in their boarding house, getting along with all comers.
It’s natural to have a wobble now, as a 13YO starting in a 13-18 school seems much younger than when he was leaving his 8-13 prep. But he’ll find his feet and flourish at Radey

I was very happy boarding but then I came from an abusive home.

I have no vested interest in this, but the implication from the OP is that change is a bad thing! Surely not? If a child needs to develop more confidence, independence and resilience - and the school, of whatever type, is helping them achieve that - surely it's good news?
Children going through puberty and reaching adulthood will all be changed and influenced by their schools, for good or ill. And different children will benefit from different schools. That's all.

Most people will change between 13 and 18, and you don't keep a control clone of your child to see how the version you didn’t send away compares to the one you did. Plus no child is quite like another, so where one child will thrive, another won't.