Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

Similar to what a few previous posters have said, the people I know who attended boarding schools are all struggling with their mental health well in to adulthood. They also say boarding school, and what they experienced there, was the root cause.

Your father probably went to boarding school quite a few years ago. They have changed.

And parents who haven't sent their dc to such schools don't have the experience of them to comment.

So mental health issues are uniquely suffered by those who went to boarding school?

Someone said earlier in this thread that parents will not share their experiences, that is so true. We never will because our son asked us not to He attended an all boys boarding school and was abused there not by teachers but fellow students. They school turned a blind eye , these schools are full of the most toxic bullies many have learned well from their fathers who attended before them .

Our son told us about the abuse shortly before he died of cancer in his early 20’s .
These schools should not exist in modern Britain, we have to live with the knowledge of what we did. After all nobody can say they are unaware of the toxic nature of these places, many will like we did tell themselves things are different now . They are not.

While your son's experiences are indeed tragic and I really sympathise with you ,you simply can't say that " these schools ". based on your experience of one awful school, should not exist. There are many wonderful boarding schools turning out happy, well rounded, and well educated young people. Who gave you the right to dictate to other people how they should educate their children?

Personally I think that the practice of putting tiny babies in full time nursery will have far more long term effects. They can't tell you what happens to them there, they just have to live with it. 13 year olds surely can tell you if they are unhappy at boarding school, and good parents will listen to them.

The reality is your DS will change and unfortunately you will not know if this is for better or worse until after the fact! I think a lot depends on the House they are in, the cohort etc. the only thing I would say from having DC at boarding school is that do not underestimate the impact the older years have both on the younger ones both positive and negative. Yes they are wonderful places but there are always risks especially if you do what the school wants and that's basically leave them to get on with it….however if you do that you will likely have a child who will just tell you what you want to hear. My DC are thriving but I also speak with them daily and see them every weekend taking them out for meals and their friends to make sure I know truly what’s happening. Some of the boarders are truly miserable and don’t want to be there but they never wanted to go in the first place but told they had too by pushy parents etc.

Hi @Hattieeagle I think you have answered your own concerns here and you have a plan.
Maintaining a loving communication so your son knows there is flexible and he can opt ro leave without feeling a failure - in spite of other family members attending - is key.

He sounds a lovely lad and I'm sure this is also mixed with your sadness of not seeing him as much x

IME of knowing lots of boarders, it’s a lottery.

Where is your steer in all this? Why present your DS with choices that you’re not completely happy with? Ultimately this is your decision as a parent - would you still support his choice if it was a poorly performing comprehensive?

It is completely normal to be worried. All I can say is that in my experience with dd it was brilliant. She is an only child and since she started she has gained loads of friends who are like sisters to her. I can't speak for boys schools, but it really isn't the same as it was in the 90's and prior. I remember feeling it was quite Victorian and staid when I went but it has completely changed into 1:1 and pastoral care and encouragement. I was quite amazed at how many merits she got in her first year as they used to be like hen's teeth when I was boarding and demerits far more usual!

He will find a group of like-minded boys and feel at home. A lot of boys there will have had similar upbringings and won't be Andrew Tate, knife toting gangsters.

I went to boarding school and loved it. Yes I’m female (!) but haven’t met a boy boarder who didn’t feel the same

On bullying: yes people fell out with each other, but compared to the day school I went to things resolved and moved on quickly. It has to when you’re all living together. I didn’t see any targeted and sustained bullying and exclusion the way I did in the day school

You’re with your friends all the time. It’s less tiring because there’s no commute and easier to study because the day is structured around it with set times for working etc.

Just keep checking in with him to make sure he’s doing ok

I’m sure he will have a blast xx

I agree with this. Your DS has chosen to go, so hopefully won't feel like he was 'sent away'. However (from another thread) this is his dad's old school, as well as his cousins' current school, so that could add pressure. I'd keep communication open so he knows you have his back 100% if he doesn't like it.

Boarding schools have changed from generations ago. I'd take all the opportunities to visit and stay involved in his world. I'd also accept he will change to a degree and make sure you listen and change with him e.g. recognising if he would rather do X and not assuming he still wants to do Y.

As a teacher, yes it changes them. The boarders are independent beyond their years, but in a way that means they have put up walls. They are fine (mostly), but as time goes on they don't turn to their parents when they have news (good or bad) the way day pupils do. And as adults they are guarded - polite, socially able and successful, but good at presenting the version of themselves that reflects a school report. And I work in a school that is well regarded for its pastoral care.

I have two sons and they both went to boarding school, one at Sherborne and one at Milton Abbey. The eldest at Sherborne hated it and really struggled with the toxic culture from the boys. He is clever and sensitive and found the culture very difficult. The younger one though had a very different experience at his school; he made lots of friends and enjoyed his time enormously. My advice is to speak with your son often and intervene if he is struggling.

Most of the Radley boys are lovely and not "tough" in the slightest. Apart from on the rugby pitch 😅
I would have thought sending a sensitive boy to the local comp would be a more guaranteed method to toughen them up.

Do explain. Is it something to do with contact with the working class?

I know plenty of lovely kind gentle boys who have returned from boarding school as men reflecting the boys that went.

I think you’ll always hear the horror stories - and of course there will be some - but I guess it’s a risk you take?

This is such snobbery: I would have thought sending a sensitive boy to the local comp would be a more guaranteed method to toughen them up.

My son is happy and thriving after boarding school - we have a good relationship and I’ve heard him tell people that he loved his time there. I think it is important to make sure the school matches your son. All of my son’s friends who boarded with him are lovely boys, great fun, kind and excited about life. Trauma can happen at home, at non boarding schools, state schools, home schooling - teens can have trauma from bullying, domestic violence, neglect, poverty- it isn’t just boarding school children that are open to trauma. If your son doesn’t like it after a while - is there a possibility he could swap to flexi or day? Good luck.

I left an all girls boarding school in 2018 so fairly recently. I’d say it definitely changed me but largely for the better as it definitely has given me more confidence in myself. I also think a lot of my issues with my schooling were more related to it being a highly academic all girls school so could be a big pressure cooker but having had friends who were day pupils they experienced that pretty equally. Don’t get me wrong I loved my schooling but that was probably the biggest negative. I had friends who were at Radley and they all liked it and they’re pretty nice people and never really talked about any bullying and I believe they would’ve mentioned it if it were bad. I’d have more concerns if you were sending him to harrow as certainly when I was at school there was a pretty embedded bullying culture that even extended to female staff and that friends of mine who were popular but not involved found hard to navigate and ended with them happy to leave.

I’d say as parents the most helpful thing you can do (other than trying to be around when they ring as much as feasibly possible) is make it clear to him that if at any time boardings not working for him then he can stop and you as his parents will sort it out. I found that very reassuring particularly when I found it a bit tricky to settle in at first (I was v shy at 13) as I knew if I found it too much I could just stop. He does have to believe and trust you though and it may have been easier for me as I knew my school took day girls (though I’d have either moved in with my aunt or my mum would’ve moved back to the uk). Also I talked to my parents a lot on the car on the way to and from school as it felt low pressure.

Hi I find it odd that you say this is the school he has chosen. You are the adult and have so many reservations but you still agreed to it

What were the alternatives?

Have you agreed a plan b?

X

@Hattieeagle

Sometimes we do funny things as parents, but why oh why are you sending a boy such as yours to an all boys boarding school? He sounds much like my dc at that age and the gentleness can be perceived as a huge weakness in any secondary let alone a boys only boarding school.

I'm afraid it sounds like a bad idea. He'll toughen up, he will have to, but may have developed more at his pace in a mixed school even boarding.

As a male who went to a boarding school (day pupil) I wouldn’t send my DC there. It was an environment where the teachers didn’t really get involved and very alpha. Throw in some kids who are entitled and arrogant and pretty toxic tbh. I imagine things have modernized but I know a lot of my friends from school feel the same. I should point out I was never bullied either but it did damage me a bit. I loved uni mind.

When I left I struggled in many social situations and I have had to work hard on myself. I also lacked empathy which looking back is not unusual when you are a teenager in survival mode in a boarding house environment.

Other impression I had was parents sent their kids their thinking it would open career doors for them, but not that it would make them well rounded people.

I do know people (including family) who loved it, however tbh my impression is that they can be quite entitled and arrogant at times. They also often only socialise with people like themselves. Just my opinions

Brother in law went to boarding school since 7. He is utterly charming, feckless and out for himself only.