Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

@Ilovewhippets that poster has been unspeakably rude to me as well, hated boarding school themselves yet tried to imply that they were in some way superior to me because he/she believes that I was state educated.

It's probably best to ignore them, they have no experience recent enough to be relevant.

Yes of course they are. I have many, many positive experiences at boarding school. If you read what I've said before you would see that. Overall the impact on my life was negative, but nothing is completely bad. All experiences have a good and a bad side. I enjoyed my last few years boarding.

If parents feel that sending their children to boarding school was a positive thing ... good for them.

But at the end of the day they decided to send their children away from home. If they feel that was a positive experience in their childs life ... fine. But that is what sending children do boarding school actually is.

But you're unlikely to come across the ex-boarders who don't have mental health problems.

Clearly it does fuck some people up, but not all, and whether it is likely to have that result on any particular individual will depend on the school, the child, the house, their teachers, their peers - which can all change even over the 5 years from 13 that someone is likely to be at a school. And I suspect no school keeps stats on ex-pupils now in therapy, who committed suicide, who ended up on drugs, has had a string of problematic relationships, etc. But I bet almost every school, state or independent, day or boarding would have those stats.

My son started at boarding school last September - a massive change from his state secondary, but he had an incredible opportunity. It was hard initially, but now he loves it. He is a confident, articulate 14 year old, but also kind and caring and still my son. I still speak to him most days (he calls me with up dates), but he so has lots of friends and good support structure from his Housemaster, Matron and other key support staff.

Yes, DS has just finished, having boarded for sixth form and been a day pupil at the same school before that.

He has loved it. Made strong friendships and became more independent and ready for university.

He is genuinely grateful that we let him board for sixth form so he 'didn't miss out.' (his words).

Our younger son is also keen to switch from day to boarding when he is older. He's there until 9pm most evenings anyway so not much would change. He loves his life at school.

I happen to work as a teacher in a full boarding school too, and pastoral care is such a huge element of the job compared to years gone by. Boarding doesn't suit every child, but most of those I know have thoroughly enjoyed their time at school. They are kept very busy and have all sorts of opportunities available to them. Stories of boarding school in years gone by are completely irrelevant by today's high standards, but the child does need to be keen to board.

And, to add, I went to a state comprehensive myself and taught in that sector for 15 years. Different issues, also not great for many! Ultimately, whatever is right for your child is the best decision.

There is always one who comes on with a nameless school they have worked at and would not send their own child there.

So we are meant to believe someone who has experience of one boarding school for 3 years is stupid enough to wipe out a whole sector of education as not suitable based on that tiny experience?

Ludicrous!

Op your son will be fine, like all schools there will be a selection of students to chose from to befriend.

I went to boarding school from 8 and loved it, my daughters Flexi board currently which was their choice we live nearby.

Of course there are transitions which are tricky but on the whole it's a superb experience, I still have friends from Radley all these years on.

There was at least a degree of honestly at boarding schools in the 70s. If you cried 'cos you were homesick you got told to pull yourself together and get on with it. If you couldn't ... well you were basically harrased until you learned to stop crying. That harrasment could be absolutely bruta

Even that statement is not really accurate. You were simply not allowed to express those emotions. Everyone knew where they stood.

The modern version of the school had all sorts of policies and procedures and trained pastoral staff. They used obtuse language and had all sorts of therapeutic ideas.

But at the end of the day the underlying issue was entirely unchanged, 12 - 13 year old children missing home are exactly the same now as they were then. In a way the modern incarnation of the school tried to address these issues in a supportive way, but i saw them as totally inneffective. In a way they gaslighted children into denying their emotions in order to fit in.

Children smothered their emotions in the same way, but there i saw a degree of utter dishonesty in their approach which i found really distastful.

@JFlyte really is horribly rude. The OP wanted experiences of boarding because their child is about to start. There is just no point in telling her how awful boarding was in the 1970's, I think that all the recent experiences recounted here have been positive. If all I have been to Flyte is cold then I think I've been a bit too restrained.

All i can say is good luck to her children. It may well be the right thing for them.

She wanted experiences of boarding school, that's what she got. I think sending young children to boarding school is child abuse, and that it should be illegal, certainly before the age of 12 or so. I think it is just as bad as using violence to discipline children.

So yes .. i think she is doing entirely the wrong thing and that very little good will ever come of it. If she is pleased ... good for her.

Her children may well benefit from the experience of being sent away from home at a young age.

That is what sending children to boarding school is.

It's so interesting to read so much about the bad experience boarders had and the good experience their parents think they are having!

Makes me wonder if parents are so blind that they do not see the issues with boarding schools. Thanks god we live in a society where this is not the only way to achieve successful career!

You’re right…. That IS the split on this thread isn’t it!

I never believe people who claim their children "love" boarding school. It's not a claim that is ever made about even the best day schools, and no-one is going to love every aspect of being circumscribed by the school rules and timetable, having to work, having to wear uncomfortable uniforms, never being alone etc rather than having the freedom of being at home.

I went to a boarding school: it was OK, it offered opportunities in terms of extra-curricular stuff I probably wouldn't have got elsewhere, but I know that none of my contemporaries would say that they loved it - including the most successful, popular extravert types.

But if you read the thread you'll find that the boarders who had bad experiences had them many years ago, some as many as 50 years ago. Many institutions have changed beyond recognition over 50 years. Think of the way that the world was for women 50 years ago, unrecognizable now.

The parents are parents of current pupils or very recent past parents. Their experience is of the way boarding schools are now.

Regardless of how good these schools are there's no getting around the fact that a young child is being separated from a parent and their home.

I do get it that in the past you had to do that to your child if you wanted them to succeed but there is no need for it now. It just sounds very cruel, sorry.

To be honest .... i did have positive experiences at school and, in particular, i did develop 2 big interests there that have stayed with me for my life. My friends / family at home had no interest in these things so that was something i gained. As i said before ... i also recieved a very good education. I did gain quite a lot.

The main problem is that you must learn to supress emotions. Many would saw this is a good thing.

My problem really stemmed from the fact that after the age of 15 or so i started to settle in and be happier. However, once i left my problem was that i struggled to move on. I very definitely had become attached to school life. Although i was never a flag waving supporter of the school and its values, it was my home for 5 years, and i found it difficult to really leave. In a way this doesn't matter if you move on to a world like finance / politics that are dominated by former public school pupils. Non of them have ever left that world properly.

That's why I'm very sceptical about parents who say how well their chikdren did. When i was 16 / 17 / 18 my own parents may well have said "it took him a couple of years to settle down but he's fine now".

In a way it was true .... i did settle down and i was fairly settled and happy. All that really meant was that the damage had been done.

Well the "young child" is usually 13 when they start boarding, comes home either every weekend or every other weekend, has parents who make the effort to go to watch matches on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and spends long holidays at home (much longer than state school holidays). They can and do keep in touch by phone too. With a job that involved long hours and weekends on call and time to commute my husband hardly saw them when they were at day school!

For me 13 is a bloody young age to permanently live without parents or at least one parent, not at home in a place full a lot of strangers.

To each their own, anyway.

OP asked if it would change her son. Yes of course it will. This is not just a historical issue. Or a matter of school culture, good or bad.

The very fact that he will have to look to his peers because he doesn’t have a parent on hand will mean the peer influence will dominate.

Read Hold on to your kids by Gabor Mate. It’s all about the importance of the parent/ child relationship. No matter how good the school, trying to replace this relationship (assuming it’s a good one) is detrimental.

Children need their parents.

Happily they still have their parents.

Wow. That says a lot.

I guess the question is how does boarding compare to day schools. Because boarding schools mightn't be perfect but holy cow, plenty of day schools are nightmares, too. Students go home to their parents in the evenings but plenty of them (yes, this includes the super-rich ones) have terrible home situations or just cold, uninterested parents and that results in those students often becoming bullies or wildly messed up in other ways.

Also, in day schools, many students have very long days with academics, drama, music, sports, etc. Then, they have to add a, say, 45-minute commute on either end of that - about a tenth of one's waking day on the tube, buses, walking, whatever. For some, being able to roll out of bed in the morning, and be in class half an hour later is a significant benefit.

DD2 was a weekly boarder. She seemed to enjoy it, is still in regular contact with her house parents and visits them regularly. She left 7 years ago. She tells us now that she used to cry every Sunday when she had to go back - she really didn’t, she went back quite cheerfully, and slept in the car or train on the way there, so I’m not sure where this comes from. DD1 was also a weekly boarder but would go back Monday morning, come home Wednesday lunch time as they had no school on Wednesday pm, back Thursday morning and home again Friday pm. DD1 didn’t enjoy boarding, but is still close friends with her room mate and others. I am not sure that DD1 would have enjoyed any school, as she didn’t much like her day school either. DD1 boarded from age 15 and DD2 from 13.

Why did you make her go back if she did not enjoy boarding?

Roald Dahl described his boarding schools in detail (in the 1920s, admittedly); corporal punishment, the cruel matron who dropped soap flakes into the mouth of a snoring boy, “fagging”, ie younger boys being enslaved to older “Boazers”, doing things like warming outdoor toilet seats in winter, boys in the dormitory inspecting each other’s cane marks.