Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

My son is going into his last year at Radley. It is a truly exceptional school in our view, which has allowed him and the other children we know there to be fully themselves. It allows a range of skills and talents to be recognised, and has a massive emphasis on respect, politeness, working hard, excellence, trying your best, and acting as part of the community. He has truly blossomed there and is now achieving right at the top of the range in a way I don’t think anyone would have predicted for him at 13. I’m not saying there are no bullies and that everything has been ok - he’s had ups and downs, some staff are better than others and he has been so lucky with his housemaster and dame, as well as some of his teachers. Socials do differ in atmosphere, but the school is big enough that I’m sure your son will find his tribe, whether it’s in art, or rugby, or music, or drama, or rowing, or in social, or academically, doing partnership work, at CCF, or down at the countryside centre. One of my son’s good friends is going to do an apprenticeship, a couple will go to the US on rowing scholarships, a few are trying for Oxbridge, several for Russell group unis, one wants to go to RADA, one is going to focus on sport, Etc. They are all proud of each other.

I don’t know that boarding school has changed him more than any other school would have done. We do miss him, but he loves to come home, still sees his home friends when he is home as well as having his friends from school to stay, and we don’t live too far away. He’s got better at communicating as he’s got older. We are delighted that he’s really found his confidence and his sense of self, and seeing him a bit less to allow that to happen has been worth it - although the VAT on school fees has made this a lot more stretching than we had originally thought.

Happy to respond on private message if you like, if they are in the same social I’ll get my son to look out for yours.

It’s odd that people reply saying ‘oh my father said it was full of bullies’ - fhat May have been decades and decades ago! For what it’s worth I boarded in the 90s and didn’t like it at all, but have had two close family members go to Radley (now on early 20s) and they loved it, have emerged as super, chatty, bright, all round men. They seemed to come home often, v different from my day when I saw my parents once a term!

No, but it is relevant that I think that all the bad experiences are historical.

The friend of DS’s whom I’m watching shut down is doing so right now.

Ok. I don’t think you needed to be so directly rude to another poster who shared a traumatic personal experience to express that to the OP.

Are you sure you’d be able to identify bullying if you saw it?

How rude and short sighted.

Genuinely curious to understand WHY as a parent you would choose to send your child away if you don’t have to. I work in a profession that brings me into contact with people with mental health issues and I can usually tell an ex boarder, I haven’t met one who isn’t messed up by it (even if they parrot ‘it was the making of me’).

My DH was a kind sensitive boy who was sent to boarding school at 11. He’s 55 now and still has nightmares about it.

His mum is 80 and still reminisces fondly about the wonderful culture and status of the school snd she’s still friends with other parents from DH’s time. She just pooh-poohs him if he tries to say it wasn’t all good.

Maybe it isn’t parents of current boarders you need to be asking.

Boris Johnson went to Eton, didn’t he? I wonder if it shaped him in some way?

Tony Blair went to Fettes. I wonder if it shaped him in some way.

Isn’t the problem with the conversation no one is really listening (or reading) to each other. You’re either right or you’re wrong, and the answer is most people are neither completely right or wrong. The traumatic experiences were clearly really traumatic. The people who say they had a lovely time may well have had a lovely time. Humanity is complex, people have different needs, some schools have had really rough periods, not all recovered. Bullying happens in all (?most?) schools and at boarding school it can be harder to spot I imagine. It doesn’t’ necessarily follow that everyone is a bully nor that everyone has been bullied. Can we not allow each other and our friends and partners and family to have had their own experiences?

My father went to boarding school and it definitely damaged him but (i) he was SEVEN when he was sent away and (ii) neither of his parents were capable of showing love so was it the school or was it that? The school still exists, has had no scandals and he talks fondly about it now, he has never mentioned being bullied, it’s just that he was seven when he went. My kids have mostly had an amazing time, but within that have both seen bullying or been bullied, but in both cases the school has dealt with it well and they currently say they are glad they have experienced boarding. Who knows what they will say 10 years from now, but it’s hard to imagine my son having had a better experience at any other school.

reality is complex, I’m not sure why we need to be so absolutist about it.

To be honest ... it was probably better than staying at home to watch his father beat the crap out of his mother. It is very well documented that that sort of stuff went on chez johnson. Boarding school can be a good option.

Interesting that his dad was on EU commision and that it was the EU who paid his fees!

Sorry ... being cynical. I have absolutely no idea what sort of education they recieved, and i don't really care!

But you must know that many pupils who are not at boarding school have mental health problems. It is not only boarding that damages children.

Strange to be so childishly offensive about something you don't care about.

https://jadelevell.com/2023/03/12/on-stanley-johnsons-nomination-boris-as-a-child-survivor-and-the-role-of-charity-ambassadors/

Escaping this environment was probably a good thing!

Indeed!

Since there are objections both to commenters whose experience is too old and to those whose DC are too close to the boarding, maybe I can help. My DS finished boarding 4 years ago and I'm biased but he's wonderful. He was kind and sensitive before he boarded and still is. He had a good experience at school (despite pandemic disruption) and did well both there and afterwards; I've just spent the evening with him hearing about his new job. Boarding undoubtedly doesn't suit everyone and the school has to be a good fit for the child, but I am as sure as I can be that I have a counterexample to the idea that all children come out terribly damaged!

Friends who have gone to boarding schools, which was decades ago so things may have changed.

They hated it, the regime of education and enforced extra curricular activities, combined with the expected bullying from more senior students. It was brutal, terrifying, if you complained you would get laughed at or worse.

I'm sure this has changed with enforcement of legislation but if private they have their own rules, plus more ability for parents to check in.

Personally, I could never send DC off to boarding school at a young age. No way am I an overprotective mama, but this is something I wouldn't want to do.

That's a wonderfully uplifting story to hear

That’s spiteful! Aren’t people allowed to write positive stories about boarding school?

You are the one who's rude and cold on this thread. Really not good PR for boarding schools. Why did you have to slap down pp who shared something form their own experience that had hurt them? It's fine to disagree but fantastically tone deaf to tell them their post is "irrelevant". That's how bullies speak. One can hope that your sons have better manners and are kinder to people.

However, i came away with the feeling that underneath it all it was actually a far worse environment for children than it was in the 70s.
That's a fascinating experience, why did you end up feeling like it was a worse environment?