Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

Depends on the child, the era and the school.

I went to boarding school, and really loved it. However i am an only child so the main thing for me was constant company. I gained so much confidence and still think of it very fondly.

Both my children went to Boarding School and it’s been the making of them! It’s a brilliant way for them to learn how to make friends and stick to a gentle regime… wholeheartedly think it’s the best thing for them

OP I don't believe there is anything to gain from posting on an internet forum at this stage. You have first hand experience and knowledge from people you know and trust instead of a bunch of random people, most of whom will never have experienced boarding.

I think its natural for people who are choosing any school rather than going to the local school to have doubts, especially when its their first child. My child's name was down on a waiting list since birth. There was never any doubt where my child was going until the year before they started when al sorts of doubts sprang up. This is just a wobble You made decisions with the intentions of doing what you consider the best for your child. Stick with it and try to put the doubts out of your mind.

Have relatives currently at Radley and think it is wonderful. The boys are lovely. Having taught in similar schools myself, it is one I would have chosen for my own DC had my own circumstances been different.

Of course you know "far more" people traumatised by other schools. 99.3% (state or independent) are day pupils!

I went to boarding school. No matter what anyone tells you ... bullying is absolutely central to boarding school life. It is hard wired into the institution, and boarding schools simply cannot function without bullying. Children either learn to develop strategies that allow them to survive at the bottom of the food chain, or they develop strategies that allow them to rise up the food chain. Either be bullied or learn to be a bully. There is nothing else.

I was at School in the early 70s, and i know people will say things are different now. This is true in as much as the language and procedures have changed, but the core issue is absolutely still there. I actually think my former school is worse now than it was in the 70s, although it has outwardly changed a lot and presents itself to the world in a very different way. It is still a very strictly structured society in which everyone absolutely must learn their place.

The example i use is what happens if a child becomes upset and wants to go home? Short answer ... they can't. The way that this situation is dealt with may have changed. The language used may have changed, but the core issue is still there and still unchanged. No matter how upset a child is, they simply cannot go home - if they could then the school could not function. This is the reality of boarding school ... you take the most natural human desire, and then you deny it.

Yes ... some children like boarding school. Most of my classmates did. In fact, once i got past the age of 16 i started to like it too. In a way it would have been better for me if i had absolutely hated the place for all the time i was there. Once i started to adapt and fit in, it became very hard for me to cut the link with the place. I had become institutionalised and found it hard to leave the experience behind. That held me back for a long time.

It wasn't like my friends who went to local state schools. I think my experience could be best described as a trauma bond.

I've had kids on my office sofa in the evenings crying their eyes out, and all I can do is make sure the office door is open to protect myself and offer them a hug if they want it. They do, they are desperate for a cuddle, but they want it from their mum, not me.
And gradually they stop coming to see me in the evenings. They aren't better, they are just better at emotionally defending themselves and the walls are going up because they can't survive long term in that fight or flight mode.

It destroyed me
i am a male
spent 6 weeks pretty much living in a toilet cubicle
I was 13/14 (now 56) and have suffered with the consequences ever since
ama

Spoken with that degree of absolute certainty that is only avaible to those who are completely and utterly wrong!

Yes, I’ve watched one of DS’s friends do exactly that over the last two years. It’s very sad. He’s become deformed by spending five and a half days out of seven 24/7 with his peers, with nowhere to hide, no space for vulnerability.

I haven’t sent my kids to boarding school but I was raised by a father that went to boarding school. It did irreparable damage to him and affected every relationship he ever had. I genuinely think it’s just about the worst thing you can do if you want your children to be happy, healthy adults. (No hiding I have an agenda / it’s not a balanced view there I know!!)

I don’t think so. The fundamental experience of being sent away from your parents young and having live with your peers (with little space to be vulnerable) is the same, even if pastoral care has improved.

Have you never noticed kids getting home and the mask coming off and they seem younger and sillier and more playful or sometimes more vulnerable etc again than with their friends? Boarding school kids don’t get that.

also, they’ve been sent away by their parents!!!

You could argue that this is just growing resiliance! Positive notes for me were a very good education that was very imaginatively delivered. I also developed real interests that have stayed with me throughout my life. I also did develop a degree of resiliance and self reliance. I remember being utterly bewildered at my 1st year at university when i met 18 year olds who were struggling with home sickness. Completely unable to understand how anyone could experience home sickness at that age!!

Was that emotional resiliance, which is good, or was it just crass insensitivity typical of an ex boarding school pupil ... which is bad???

That's the problem with this sort of thing. It is often impossible to even agree what is good and what is bad!

I ended up working in the same city as my former school right at the end of my career. I visited the school a few time, gave a lecture to the 6th form science society (which i was president of). Had a few meals there... usual sort of stuff.

The way the place presented itself to the world was completely different. Now co educational so a big change. Lots more talk of pastoral care etc etc etc. Strangely enough, what the present pupils really wanted to hear was how brutal the place used to be. I kept the 6th form entertained and utterly horified by stories that were pretty standard experiences for me. They loved it and just couldn't get enough!

However, i came away with the feeling that underneath it all it was actually a far worse environment for children than it was in the 70s.

Crikey, there are some dark responses on this thread!
OP my kids went to boarding school and loved it. We have a great relationship and are very close. I was on a hair trigger in the early days for any unhappiness or wanting to come home but both settled in quickly and made a great cohort of friends. I think the younger one especially thrived, her confidence grew from shy to taking the world by storm.
Neither has lost their gentleness, become toughened or cried their eyes out without me, as has been suggested on this thread. They're fantastically well adjusted happy young women.
Having said all of that. If either had wanted to leave they only had to say the word as I missed them terribly and would have had them home in an instant!
Radley is a great school and if it fits your boy he'll have a great time. If it doesn't work, do something else. It's easy.

Whenever people defend boarding schools by telling me how well their children got on there, I always say the same thing. "That's really good to hear, getting away from their home was obviously a good for them".

At this point, people often become upset and defensive.

For any parent to tell the world that sending their young children away from the family home was actually a positive event in their lives is just an utterly bewildering thing for someone to say.

@JFlyte no, I am not wrong, the 1970's were definitely 50 years ago.

The only person we knew who took their own life because of bullying went to the same Grammar school as my husband. Do you think that all grammars should be banned?

I believe that prisons are crammed with people with mental health problems. Do you think that a high percentage of inmates went to boarding school?

Why are you trying to guilt trip the OP with historical scare stories?

I think it’s a pretty massive life choice to not expect some impact tbh. In some ways, in order to protect himself, becoming harder/less emotionally sensitive is going to be effective in coping and to be expected. You’re giving away a lot of time/influence to other teenage and older boys…which may or not may not be what you wish for. He sounds like such a lovely child and I would strongly suggest you are in touch frequently, spend 1-1 time with him when he is at home and make sure he sees you as someone he can confide in. Make sure he knows that he can come to you with anything and you’ll help him problem solve the issue. Try to identify someone safe for him at school.

Why are you picking a fight with someone who has just shared their own experience of boarding school trauma? Why don’t you just share your own experience with the OP?

@Hattieeagle your thread has been completely derailed by people trying to make themselves sound interesting because of things which may or may not have happened a long time ago.

For what it's worth my two sons were (recently) extremely happy at their old public school as boarders. We chose single sex because we wanted somewhere where it was OK to be a boy, and where they weren't constantly to!d that girls were cleverer than them. We felt when we looked at co ed schools that the girls had far better facilities which naturally as the parents of boys didn't sit well with us.I

They are both normal, happy and married (and extravagantly well paid)

The OP asked people to share their experiences, and they are generously doing so. Their experiences aren’t less true or less relevant because they don’t match up with your experience or what you want to hear.

I wouldn’t bother engaging. Considering the point they are attempting to make is that boarding school produces well adjusted psychologically stable people…..their posts are interesting and highlight OPs concerns.