Did boarding school change your DCs?

[Hattieeagle]

I’d really appreciate hearing from parents whose children attend boarding school, as I’m feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves about our eldest starting in September.

DS is starting at Radley College and he is absolutely delighted. He cannot wait. He’s a very social, confident boy, loves sport, is intelligent and I think he will genuinely thrive in the environment.

My worries are probably more about me than him.

DS is just a really kind, loving boy. He’s affectionate, thoughtful, gets on well with people and has a lovely nature. He’s not a “tough” boy or someone who is constantly trying to prove himself, he’s very confident but also gentle, and that’s something I really love about him.

I think my fear is that boarding school, especially an all-boys environment, might change him in ways I don’t want. I don’t mean becoming more independent or resilient ,obviously those are positive things. I mean I worry about the culture of teenage boys living together and whether there is pressure to become harder, more competitive or less open emotionally.

I know this might sound silly because boarding schools have many wonderful, kind boys and I’m sure the school does a lot to support character development. I also know children naturally change as they grow up.
But I suppose I’m worried about him losing some of the qualities that make him who he is.

DS went to Eton. I'm sure it changed him, but he was going to change a lot between the ages of 13 and 18 in any case.

DCs face all sorts of challenges growing up and can be bullied (or turn into a bully) at any school. DS had very few problems but when they arose the school were very good at guiding him through it. He enjoyed his time there and had some amazing teaching and wonderful opportunities.

OP, i really feel for you in this thread. I truly feel for those that had terrible experiences at boarding schools, and don't doubt their pain. But it feels like many of the really negative comments on here are about father/uncles/cousins at school (presumably in the 50s-80s) who would have had very different experiences to those who went in the nineties/noughties, and again, those experiences will be different to those going now.

However, what i don't think any of the posters have said is that all children will change when they go to secondary school, whether that's boarding, indy day, grammar, or comprehensive. You won't lose the sweet, caring, kind child that you have - they just may disappear for a while as they try on new personalities with their peers.

I went to boarding school and was happy - I was bullied but never unhappy (genuinely didn't cry once out of homesickness). But I'm also pretty sure that I've have been bullied just as badly at a day school for the same reasons. My DP went to grammar school and he is far more emotionally repressed than me, and got bullied far worse.

I know many people at day schools who were bullied or miserable, and who ended up in therapy /depressed I think teenagers are just mean, and growing up is hard.

Well done to you also for letting your child have agency in their choices.

You're not "sending him away". You're trying to do the right thing and it comes across in your post that you're acting out of love, so ignore the haters!